Tangled Emotions

5 Hábitos Extraños

2006-01-26T15:21:00.000-04:00

Gracias, Popuuuuuu!

Instrucciones: el primer jugador inicia su mensaje con el título “5 extraños hábitos tuyos”. Las personas que son invitadas a escribir un mensaje en su respectivo blog a propósito de sus extraños hábitos, deben también indicar claramente este reglamento. Al final, se debe elegir 5 nuevas personas que lo continúen en su blog, así como dejarles un comentario en su blog con el aviso “Has sido elegido”.

Okei, let's see ...

1) Me gusta olerme las manos después de fumarme un cigarrillo. Sonará un poco nasty, pero el olor dela nicotina mezclado con el olor natural de mis manos (usualmente imperceptible para mí) me gusta, inclusive me tranquiiliza.

2) Jaja, aqui voy a vender un secreto mío: Me pongo en Busy en MSN casi siempre. Aunq no esté ocupada. Usualmente es para evitar que todo el mundo me caiga encima. El q me tenga q decir algo importante o el que me tenga confianza, me va a hablar eniweis. Para lo demás usualmente no tengo paciencia.
OJO: a veces SI estoy ocupada ... so nadie aqui tiene la excusa para irse en un rant en contra mía

3) Cuando estoy sola, no puedo comer sin leer algo, aunq sea el papel que ponen sobre las bandejas en los fast foods. Si no, no como bien, no sé, para mí es como si no hubiese comido. Fin del asunto.

4) Para que una canción me guste de verdad tengo q haber pasado por el proceso de que me gustara tanto q la pusiera en loop por lo menos dos veces. A veces las canciones que me gustan no las oigo más de una vez y aunque me gustan, no se van a quedar quemadas en mi memoria. Las que sí, tienen q pasar por el loop (y últimamente es tanto lo q oigo nuevo para mí, q es alarmante, tanta cosa q me gusta y me olvido )

5) Desde que se me pegó el "Qué mal!" hace casi dos años, no lo he soltado .... Maldicióooon a los de FA!

Jujú!

Mis escogidos para continuar este showwww de locuras y hábitos extraños:

Mika
Ezequiel
Alysha
Maricarmen
Mrs. Doe AKA Loudovika AKA Ileana

Another long-ass survey

2005-10-18T16:51:00.000-04:00

*Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)*
time started:	3:42PM
full name:	Diana M. C.
nickname(s):	Diani, Bebe, Di
birthday:	March 8, 1978
where were you born:	Hato Rey, Puerto Rico
zodiac sign:	Pisces
height:	5'4"
weight:	approx. 150 lbs
hair color:	brown
eye color:	brown
shoe size:	US 8
ring size:	middle finger = 7
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.):	pale, yellowish tones
blood type:	O+
grade:	College Graduate (BA)
GPA:	3.52
siblings:	2 younger (1 brother, 1 sister)
tattoos:	3 (neck, upper back, lower back)
piercings:	7 (including 2 plugs)
hobbies:	writing (blogging), reading, watching movies, taking photographs of everything I find interesting, surfing the internet, spending time with my loved ones
favorite
color:	purple, black, red
food:	prosciutto or serrano ham
candy:	dark chocolate
type of cheese:	Swiss
pizza topping:	pepperonni
salad dressing:	caesar
sandwich:	almost anything with bacon, hold the mustard and the pickles
cereal:	Honey Bunches of Oats (Post)
fruit:	granny apples (green, sour)
vegetable:	broccoli
berry:	maraschino cherries
cake:	chocolate
book:	Del Amor y Otros Demonios (Gabriel García Marquez)
movie:	Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
magazine:	Wired
newspaper:	I get my news on BBC.com, theguardian.co.uk or endi.com
tv show:	ALIAS
website:	http://www.preurbano.com/ (I spend too much time there)
radio station:	WRTU (wrtu.org for streaming)
font:	Century Gothic
cartoon character:	Woodstock (from Charles Schulz's Peanuts)
artist (painter):	Salvador Dali
actor:	Gary Oldman
actress:	Jodie Foster
cd:	Vespertine - Bjork
song:	"Triumph of a Heart" - Bjork
music group:	Bjork (duh!)
music type:	electronica/experimental
day of the week:	Friday
month:	March
season:	winter
holiday:	Halloween
shampoo:	Physique Straight Formula (discontinued)
conditioner:	Aussie
number:	13
phrase:	"¡Qué mal!"
store:	Marshalls
weather:	sunny/windy/dry
restaurant:	Ferrari Gourmet or Bistro Pizza
channel:	Comedy Central
teacher:	Mariyo (a teacher I had for some years when I was a little kid. She was awesome!)
weekend activity:	Vegging out by day, partying by night, getting to bed ridiculously late
hangout:	Wherever my loved ones are
house color:	yellow
sport to watch:	diving
sport to play:	swimming (which I do in the most mediocre manner)
animal:	dog
flower:	sunflower
guy's name:	Alejandro
girl's name:	Adriana
board game:	Risk / Life / Scrabble
party game:	Drinking Domino
story from childhood:	I always like to tell how I behaved with the household puppies
body part:	hands
have you ever
been on a train:	yes
been on a plane:	yes
been in a car accident:	yes (minor accident)
caused a car accident:	yes (minor accident)
run into a wall:	yes
burned a potato chip:	no
almost burned the house down:	I DID burn the house down
smoked:	yes
been drunk:	yes
been high:	yes
broken the law:	yes
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes):	yes
kissed someone of the opposite sex:	yes
kissed someone of the same sex:	yes
frenched an animal:	no
made out:	yes
had cyber sex:	yes
gotten engaged:	yes (and broken the engagement too)
had an online relationship:	yes (very short-lived)
been rejected by a crush:	yes
loved:	yes
made yourself cry to get out of trouble:	yes
cried in public:	yes
cried over a movie:	yes
fallen asleep in a movie theater:	no
given someone a bath:	yes
been to a boarding school:	no
been home-schooled:	no
lost a valuable item:	yes
bungee jumped:	no
skied:	no
met the president:	no
met a celebrity:	yes (Ricky Martin, pre-famous phase)
gotten a cavity:	yes
shopped at abercrombie & fitch:	no
made a prank call:	yes
skipped school:	yes
faked sick to get out of school:	yes
purchased something that you knew didn't fit:	no
climbed a tree:	yes
fallen from a tree:	no
broken a bone:	no
sprained anything:	no
passed out:	no
made yourself pass out:	yes
been to disney world:	yes
been to a theme park (not disney):	yes
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative):	yes
made a model volcano (working model):	no
made a clover leaf with your tounge:	no (but my sister can)
past
what did you do yesterday:	Work (and have a dreary day)
memory you miss the most:	Having my father neraby
memory you want to forget:	There's nothing I want to forget. All memories serve a purpose.
something you regretted after it was done:	... I can't tell (there is only one thing)
the last
song you heard:	"The Power of Orange Knickers" - Tori Amos
cd you bought:	it's been a long time since I spent money on an album
thing you said:	I was talking to my mom (can't remember, I guess it was "Bye")
time you cried:	last thursday
movie seen in a theater:	A History of Violence
thing you ate:	an oatmeal cookie
person who called:	Mom
nail polish shade worn:	pink (i think)
time you showered:	last night
person who complimented you:	Ezequiel
at this moment
what are you listening to:	silence
what are you wearing:	brown, stretchy bell-bottom pants ; burgundy, long-sleeved shirt
what are you thinking:	I want out! 45 mins to go!
what are you scared of most:	loneliness
how many people are on your buddy list:	30 something
future
occupation:	hopefully I'll be able to do freelance photography or jewelry design
marriage site:	Not getting married
honeymoon:	Not getting married
place to live:	Spain (wishful thinking?)
kids:	NO! Dogs dogs dogs!
car:	I hope I can someday ditch the car and start using massive transportation
what are you doing tomorrow:	Work again
do you think george bush will be reelected:	Hopefully never again (if that happens, the US will deserve a thousand Katrinas more)
will there be a wwIII:	yes, but not the way WWII was carried out
will politics ever be truthful:	not while capitalism is the system of power
will humanity snuff itself out:	most surely, we already started
can the gov. be changed:	yes
friends
best friend:	Ezequiel
funniest:	there are a few still fighting over this title
silliest:	Adolfo
loudest:	Mika
quietest:	Viviana
craziest:	Alysha
calmest:	Pepe
skinniest:	Marie
best secret keeper:	Ezequiel
worst secret keeper:	Alvin
the one you have but don't want:	this is one very un-PC question
smartest:	Kiwi
preppiest:	Felo
peppiest:	Alysha
most hyper:	Alysha
hottest:	Maricarmen
weirdest:	Popu
biggest pervert:	Leo
most annyoing:	un-PC
shyest:	Viviana
most religious:	I think I have no religious friends
do you believe in
heaven:	no
hell:	no
angels:	no
devil:	no
god:	no
buddha:	no
aliens:	yes
ghosts:	yes
spirit (soul):	yes
soulmates:	no
reincarnation:	yes
love at first sight:	no
karma:	yes
love in general:	yes
luck:	yes
yourself:	yes
crush
who and when was your first crush:	my first BIG crush was Jorge Esteban. I was 10.
any now:	yes, a few
a celebrity crush:	Jennifer Connelly (for years now)
who do you want to be with right now:	I am with who I want to be with
whos number do you want:	Not telling
who do you want to kiss:	A few people
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex:	I think I have an acceptable grasp on the male psyche.
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be:	Ezequiel will always be the perfect date
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you:	I don't know, it depends
first thing noticed about the opposite sex:	the eyes
what do you look for personality-wise:	wit, intelligence, a good sense of humor
biggest turn on:	like-minded people with strength enough to defend their standpoints
biggest turn off:	stupidity, sheep mindsets
something thay weat that turns you on:	a beautiful smile
something they wear that turns you off:	clean-cut, hyper-trendy clothes
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you:	Already did, can't get any better
the most romantic thing that has happened to you:	A half-drunken kiss ina friend's darkened room
what do you wear on a coffee date:	jeans, shirt, whatever
is it right to flirt if you're taken:	yes
is cyber cheating:	depends
are eyes the passegeway to the soul:	only if you're perceptive enough
who would you like to take to the prom:	prom passed 10 years ago, very underwhelming production
do you want to hug somebody right now:	yes
do you know what an aphrodisiac is:	yes
describe
mellow:	Sigur Ros in my headphones under a tree on a windy day
melancholy:	the top of a slide in a park next to the woods
the perfect date:	An outing in which your brain is exhilarated, not befuddled
the perfect mate:	one who is your equal and knows and respects that
how m&m's are made:	Little birds take a dump and then an elf pukes over the oval turds
why manhole covers are round:	because the pipes under the holes are round too
one or the other
coke/pepsi:	coke (only 'cuz water wasn't an option)
sprite/7-up:	Sprite (Zero)
boxers/briefs:	boxer-briefs (yummy! >-) )
gold/silver:	silver
vanilla/chocolate:	chocolate
flowers/candy:	candy
book/magazine:	if they're good, it's readable
tv/radio:	if it's good, any will do
glass half empty/half full:	half a glass
democrat/republican:	socialist/communist
colored pencils/markers:	colored pencils (GOOD quality)
coffee/tea:	both!
sun/moon:	moon
day/night:	sunset >> night
hot/cold:	cold
dog/cat:	dog
button/zipper:	button
cotton/feather pillow:	cotton
blue/purple:	purple
plumber/trashman:	trashman
jeans/shorts:	jeans
long distance relationship/none:	none
mechanical/regular pencil:	mechanical
matt/ben:	ben
that 70's show/simpsons:	simpsons
kelso/eric:	Kelso
donna/jackie:	Donna
bart/lisa:	Bart
romeo/juliet:	both were total idiots
romantic comedy/thriller:	thriller
nsync/bsb:	NONE
peanut butter/jelly:	peanut butter
waffles/pancakes:	pancakes
letter/email:	email
florida/california:	Don't know (only visited FL)
pizza/burgers:	pizza
hat/visor:	hat
football/rugby:	same to me
iceskating/blading:	ice skating
movie at home/in theater:	in theatre
first thing you think of when you hear
yellow:	sun
red lipstick:	creamy
socks:	wool
cowtipping:	college
moulin rouge:	Nicole Kidman
greenland:	the shape of Greenland
iceland:	Bjork
harry potter:	cute! ^_^
red:	puzzle piece
blackberry:	drink
rose:	stinky flower
rooster:	breakfast
taxes:	death
bill clinton:	good times at USA
whipped cream:	sex
george w. bush:	AGHHHH!
lollipops:	Colombia
dreams:	clouds
love:	that warm fuzzy feeling
guys:	fun
south park:	cartman
boy bands:	"oh jeez!"
pengiuns:	Linux
girls:	pink skirts
thong:	ass
death:	taxes
spoons:	badger
junk mail:	email
dairy:	cow milk
panties:	skid mark
your father:	i miss him
pizza:	melted cheese
britney spears:	green costume
vitamin:	little clear pills
are you
happy:	yes
sad:	some days
religious:	no
bitchy:	only when I'm PMS-ing
crazy:	a bit
messy:	some may say that
mad:	We're all mad in here
slacker:	some days
nerd:	yeah
bookworm:	definitely
jock:	nope
preppy:	I dont think so
selfish:	unfortunately
giving:	when I want to
obsessive:	depends on the subject
violent:	I can be
calm:	most of the time
peaceful:	that's my goal
mellow:	yeah, right now, I am
eccentric:	you could say that
caring:	to most people surrounding me
untrustworthy:	no, I can keep a secret (and I try to keep my promises)
loyal:	yes
patriotic:	no
perverted:	>-)
colorful:	yes!
artistic:	yes
miscellanoues
what color is your jacket:	green
do you shave:	yes
where:	legs, armpits, bikini zone
what color is your razor:	aqua
what size is your bed:	queen
what color crayon would you be:	forest green
what are the last four digits of you phone number:	2224
feelings on abortion:	very mixed, i think women have the right to choose, but I wouldn't do it because I believe there is a second life involved
how lond does it take you to shower:	10 - 30 minutes
what does your screenname mean:	my name + goddes (in hindu, i think)
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general:	they're blonde and the can't sing/act/write worth shit (but that applies to most pop stars anyways)
who so you trust the most:	Ezequel
is cussing a necessity in life:	yes
how about coffee:	YES
is the world screwed:	yes and it's humanity's fault
what something you cant live without:	air, water, food, love
what time did you fall asleep:	usually at about 12 or 1AM
know what 69 means:	YES
how about 143:	no :-S
can you live without a microwave:	yes
what do think about death:	it's a natural process
where and when do you want to be married:	no
do you want to drop out of school:	i never did, and i want to go back
why is the sky blue:	it's light refracting through the oxygen in the ozone layer
what is a good trait about yourself:	i'm open-minded
what do you always think about:	what's coming up next? what's worth looking forward to?
what is wrong with your school:	nothing was except for infrastructure issues
what is right with your school:	i think some education issues should be re-evaluated in the whole system
how do you react to change:	i try to adapt, but it takes some time for me
do you talk to yourself:	sometimes
what is your opinion on love:	it's a chemical reaction, or maybe a bond formed by time and habit, but it still feels beautiful and terrible at the same time
can you afford to lose weight:	OH YES PLEASE!
what color would you dye your hair:	ANY color! even BLUE, I'd love to try!
best thing anyones told you:	That my smile lights up everything around me
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot:	i blush and refuse to accept it, i don't think i'm hot
does being psycho appeal to you:	no
if you wrote a book, what would it be about:	my life
what would you change your name to:	Adriana
longest crush lasted how long:	Where does the crush end and the love begin?
tme finished:	4:50PM
Take this survey \| Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

2005-10-08T17:56:00.000-04:00

... well... maybe you've noticed the lack of posts here in lieu of a certain amount of attention transferred to another place. Maybe not (I still don't know how many people read my blog, still I like to explain myself to most when it comes to a change in blogging behavior).

First I discovered: http://www.43things.com. It's a page in which you develop your profile according to the things you want to do with your life. Then the page indexes your goals and you can see other people who want to do the same things as you (plus make comments on them or "Cheer" their goals, etc etc etc). I find the concept wonderful, although the place hasn't been much of a time-waster (except for the initial posts). The site also includes an easy link to http://www.43places.com/ (here you can profile the places you've been and the places you want to go).

You may see my profile at http://www.43things.com/person/dianadhevi. :-D

Then came a big hit, a site I swore to never sign into. My Space. A site into which I'd say a whole fuckload of dipshits are registering with a myriad of objectives in mind: finding a number of booty calls (or finding the one [bootycall], specially delusional young women with Hello Kitty/flowery/butterfly/color stars backgrounds and a menagerie of pop stars in their Music section). Another **commendable** objective is stating their popularity status (this should be more obvious once you know where these idiots are coming from... Pulsorock.com is a community filled with such idiots). And so on and so forth... then there are the people registering to plug their bands/products/films/writings. These, to me, are much less irritating than the first types. As a matter of fact, I find it makes the place interesting and lively, bustling with more neurons in one single band page (if it's a good one) than the whole of personal "popularity/matchmaking/friend-seeking" profiles can muster together.

I just got hooked into the compartmentalized feel to the profile, and the app that runs the blog reminds me of ujournal.org, back in the days before some biggo company absorbed the site and sent the original users packing. I might be camping there more than I'm camping here, so here I am, extending the invitatioin to YOU (yeah, you, whoever you are, I really doubt you're more than ... 4 ... in total .... if you're more, kudos to my blog for getting more audience than me) to drop into my profile (and perhaps registering in? Just keep away from gothy-lolita/cutesy backgrounds, please ... they are annoying as HELL!)

http://myspace.com/dianadhevi

Thank you!

... ditz mode ... sorry ...

2005-10-05T16:23:00.000-04:00

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you're unique: There's nothing about you that isn't unique

Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick... and you can pull it off

What this color says about you: "I'm a trendsetter and don't care what anyone else is doing!"

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

2005-09-30T10:14:00.000-04:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Diana
Birthday:	March 8, 1978
Birthplace:	Hato Rey, Puerto Rico
Current Location:	Santurce, Puerto Rico
Eye Color:	brown
Hair Color:	brown (w/gray hairs)
Height:	5'4"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right handed
Your Heritage:	Mixbreed (Puerto Rican + German + Colombian + Spanish)
The Shoes You Wore Today:	brown mary-jane-style shoes (big, bulky)
Your Weakness:	anything Blythe
Your Fears:	loneliness, oblivion, routine
Your Perfect Pizza:	pepperonni + extra cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	begin my studies again (in art or languages)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"¬_¬"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	snooze!/i wanna sleep more!/i overslept!
Your Best Physical Feature:	hair
Your Bedtime:	11PM - 1AM
Your Most Missed Memory:	being 6 years old
Pepsi or Coke:	none, i don't do soda
MacDonalds or Burger King:	none, i try to avoid junk food
Single or Group Dates:	depends on the mood
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	they all taste too similar for me to discern
Chocolate or Vanilla:	both + strawberry (Neapolitan! YUM!)
Cappuccino or Coffee:	coffee
Do you Smoke:	yes
Do you Swear:	on occasion
Do you Sing:	only when I'm pretty much alone
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	i've been there, a trip back would be very welcome
Do you want to get Married:	not necessary
Do you belive in yourself:	yes (but it's not easy)
Do you get Motion Sickness:	rarely
Do you think you are Attractive:	no
Are you a Health Freak:	not really (I SMOKE, for gossakes!)
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes (i try, but my mom is not easy)
Do you like Thunderstorms:	YES!
Do you play an Instrument:	i wish!
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	some
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	i WISH!
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	unfortunately
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	NO!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	YUCK!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	thankfully, no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	not that i remember
Ever been Drunk:	yes (to the point of passing out)
Ever been called a Tease:	yes (but he's wrong)
Ever been Beaten up:	never
Ever Shoplifted:	does a button count?
How do you want to Die:	either quick and violently (just a flash of blinding light) or slow and painless (while listening to Sigur Ros)
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	an artist ^_^ (........ oh, wait, I think I am already grown up... bummer!)
What country would you most like to Visit:	Spain
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	brown/black
Favourite Hair Color:	brown/black/ um.... BLUE!
Short or Long Hair:	short
Height:	doesn't matter much
Weight:	doesn't matter either
Best Clothing Style:	relaxed (i really feel uncomfortable around fussy guys that dress better than I do)
Number of Drugs I have taken:	2
Number of CDs I own:	too many to count
Number of Piercings:	doesn't matter
Number of Tattoos:	doesn't matter either
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	none to 1 ... I like someone who can see that our past makes us who we are.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Mi rant personal

2005-09-21T14:08:00.000-04:00

Sobre desastres naturales y aquellos relacionados a lo metereológico...

A seguir la cronología:

1) Eze fue a New York hace años ya. Algunos meses después sucedió el ataque terrorista al WTC (9/11)

2) Eze viajó a España no hace mucho ... al año más o menos sucedió el ataque terrorista en la estación de tren (4/11)

3) Eze viajó a New Orleans justo antes de ir a España (de hecho, New Orleans fue la escala donde se mantuvo por par de días por cuestiones de trabajo, antes de salir a Madrid) ... New Orleans se jodió ...

4) Eze está en Missouri ...

I fear for that very boring place ...

Estaré enamorada del Anticristo será, q anda dejando un trail de destrucción en cada sitio q toca?

September 7, 1999

2005-09-07T10:36:00.000-04:00

FINISHED!!!

_{... if there were something to regret...}

I will never be able to visit...

2005-09-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

New Orleans

In the aftermath, a few days after the actual event, I realize ... how close it hit to home... how this should humble the "world's greates economic power" (the U.S.)... how it doesn't...

"It's devastating. It's got to be doubly devastating on the ground."
_{(Scott McClellan quotes the president as saying after the low-altitude tour in Air Force One of stricken areas of the southern Gulf Coast states of Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama.)}

No SHIT, man! Dubya, you must be a GENIUS!

There's this article, very interesting considering the date it was written on (and very scary, considering the third shoe to drop hasn't dropped yet):

(Link)

New Orleans faces doomsday scenario
_{Houston Chronicle ^ | December 1, 2001 | ERIC BERGER
Posted on 12/01/2001 8:17:03 AM PST by Dog Gone}

KEEPING ITS HEAD ABOVE WATER
New Orleans faces doomsday scenario

New Orleans is sinking.

And its main buffer from a hurricane, the protective Mississippi River delta, is quickly eroding away, leaving the historic city perilously close to disaster.

So vulnerable, in fact, that earlier this year the Federal Emergency Management Agency ranked the potential damage to New Orleans as among the three likeliest, most castastrophic disasters facing this country.

The other two? A massive earthquake in San Francisco, and, almost prophetically, a terrorist attack on New York City.

The New Orleans hurricane scenario may be the deadliest of all.

In the face of an approaching storm, scientists say, the city's less-than-adequate evacuation routes would strand 250,000 people or more, and probably kill one of 10 left behind as the city drowned under 20 feet of water. Thousands of refugees could land in Houston.

Economically, the toll would be shattering.

Southern Louisiana produces one-third of the country's seafood, one-fifth of its oil and one-quarter of its natural gas. The city's tourism, lifeblood of the French Quarter, would cease to exist. The Big Easy might never recover.

And, given New Orleans' precarious perch, some academics wonder if it should be rebuilt at all.

It's been 36 years since Hurricane Betsy buried New Orleans 8 feet deep. Since then a deteriorating ecosystem and increased development have left the city in an ever more precarious position. Yet the problem went unaddressed for decades by a laissez-faire government, experts said.

"To some extent, I think we've been lulled to sleep," said Marc Levitan, director of Louisiana State University's hurricane center.

Hurricane season ended Friday, and for the second straight year no hurricanes hit the United States. But the season nonetheless continued a long-term trend of more active seasons, forecasters said. Tropical Storm Allison became this country's most destructive tropical storm ever.

Yet despite the damage Allison wrought upon Houston, dropping more than 3 feet of water in some areas, a few days later much of the city returned to normal as bloated bayous drained into the Gulf of Mexico.

The same storm dumped a mere 5 inches on New Orleans, nearly overwhelming the city's pump system. If an Allison-type storm were to strike New Orleans, or a Category 3 storm or greater with at least 111 mph winds, the results would be cataclysmic, New Orleans planners said.

"Any significant water that comes into this city is a dangerous threat," Walter Maestri, Jefferson Parish emergency management director, told Scientific American for an October article.

"Even though I have to plan for it, I don't even want to think about the loss of life a huge hurricane would cause."

New Orleans is essentially a bowl ringed by levees that protect the city from the Mississippi River to its south and Lake Pontchartrain to the north. The bottom of the bowl is 14 feet below sea level, and efforts to keep it dry are only digging a deeper hole.

During routine rainfalls the city's dozens of pumps push water uphill into the lake. This, in turn, draws water from the ground, further drying the ground and sinking it deeper, a problem known as subsidence.

This problem also faces Houston as water wells have sucked the ground dry. Houston's solution is a plan to convert to surface drinking water. For New Orleans, eliminating pumping during a rainfall is not an option, so the city continues to sink.

A big storm, scientists said, would likely block four of five evacuation routes long before it hit. Those left behind would have no power or transportation, and little food or medicine, and no prospects for a return to normal any time soon.

"The bowl would be full," Levitan said. "There's simply no place for the water to drain."

Estimates for pumping the city dry after a huge storm vary from six to 16 weeks. Hundreds of thousands would be homeless, their residences destroyed.

The only solution, scientists, politicians and other Louisiana officials agree, is to take large-scale steps to minimize the risks, such as rebuilding the protective delta.

Every two miles of marsh between New Orleans and the Gulf reduces a storm surge -- which in some cases is 20 feet or higher -- by half a foot.

In 1990, the Breaux Act, named for its author, Sen. John Breaux, D-La., created a task force of several federal agencies to address the severe wetlands loss in coastal Louisiana. The act has brought about $40 million a year for wetland restoration projects, but it hasn't been enough.

"It's kind of been like trying to give aspirin to a cancer patient," said Len Bahr, director of Louisiana Gov. Mike Foster's coastal activities office.

The state loses about 25 square miles of land a year, the equivalent of about one football field every 15 minutes. The fishing industry, without marshes, swamps and fertile wetlands, could lose a projected $37 billion by the year 2050.

University of New Orleans researchers studied the impact of Breaux Act projects on the vanishing wetlands and estimated that only 2 percent of the loss has been averted. Clearly, Bahr said, there is a need for something much bigger. There is some evidence this finally may be happening.

A consortium of local, state and federal agencies is studying a $2 billion to $3 billion plan to divert sediment from the Mississippi River back into the delta. Because the river is leveed all the way to the Gulf, where sediment is dumped into deep water, nothing is left to replenish the receding delta.

Other possible projects include restoration of barrier reefs and perhaps a large gate to prevent Lake Pontchartrain from overflowing and drowning the city.

All are multibillion-dollar projects. A plan to restore the Florida Everglades attracted $4 billion in federal funding, but the state had to match it dollar for dollar. In Louisiana, so far, there's only been a willingness to match 15 or 25 cents.

"Our state still looks for a 100 percent federal bailout, but that's just not going to happen," said University of New Orleans geologist Shea Penland, a delta expert.

"We have an image and credibility problem. We have to convince our country that they need to take us seriously, that they can trust us to do a science-based restoration program."

San Francisco, beware! :-(

Spamming

2005-08-23T13:50:00.000-04:00

Just a bit pissed off. I appreciate that people I don't know read this blog, I wouldn't have thought it possible, and maybe it's not entirely true, but the possibility doesn't bother me. However, it DOES piss me off that out of the blue people come into my blogs (this one and Anais's Travels) and use the comment section like an ad forum. I don't do this to anyone, not even to plug my own blogs, much less to plug websites or whatever else it is that people like YOU ( dominque19kalyn and someone else whose user got erased from my registry as soon as I deleted his/her comment) are trying to plug. News and ads do not interest me, or at least I do not appreciate my blog being used as a tableau for commercial/public expression. If I want to see ads or read news, I will log onto the appropriate sites. This is not one of them. Please do not use my blog to plug your shit anymore. Besides, this doesn't get many hits. Go get a popular blog and leave mine well alone.

Moving day is at hand. Prepare to move your very, very odd family.

2005-08-15T15:27:00.000-04:00

^{"They put our burrow on the fourth floor!"}

Viernes, segun sali, fue para hacer unas diligencias con mi hermano (creo yo) ... tiene que haber sido asi, casi no recuerdo el viernes en la noche, solo se q mi adorada media toronja esa noche no durmio, sino que se quedo dormido en las escaleras del nuevo apartamento tratando de subir el sof (que eventualmente termino botandose pq no habia forma de hacerlo caber ni por las escaleras ni por el balcon)

El sabado me levante relativamente temprano (9:30AM) para llevar a mi mama a donde la estilista pq se le antojo que el recorte del fin de semana anterior se lo habian hecho mal. (OJO: A esa hora que sali fue que desayune, como a las 10AM). Luego de estar una hora y pico alla, la lleve a Sam's a hacer compras (ya ahi eran como las 12 del mediodia). Saliendo de Sam's, zacate! una pelea con Chichi (mi hermana) y su condenao telefono-apendice. Eniweis, eso fue llegar a casa con la compra, para cambiarme, montar las cajas de la mudanza mia que ya tenia listas al baul de mi carro y arrancar para Santurce para empezar las labores de mudanza. No me acuerdo ya ni que hora era cuando sali de casa de mi madre.

El sabado fue cuestion de subir al cuarto piso puros bloques de cemento (estos son parte integral de los tablilleros de Eze y Fonso, 22 bloques en total). Aparte de eso, muchas otras cosas mas se subieron por esas escaleras, aparte de la nevera y la estufa, que la subieron los se~ores que las trajeron, pero igual, es tremendo trabajito. A fin de cuentas salimos de alli como a las 7:30 embalaos, sin ba~arnos, sudados, apestosos, hambrientos (pq nunca nos detuvimos a comer) hacia la estacion (incluida yo, pq el sabado fue mi debut como colaboradora de Frecuencias Alternas wiiii ). Eso fue caer en casa, recoger una muda de ropa para arrancar para la estacion, y alla tienen un ba~ito (SIN calentador, esa agua sale como de freezer) y alli me pude venir a ba~ar como a las 10PM y con un dolor de cabeza encojonao, que se me exacerbo con el frio excesivo, y olvidate ... sin comer tampoco desde las 10AM (por doce horas) me sentia digna de un flushazo ... Me tuve que recostar en el piso de uno de los salones sin usar, no pude cumplir con mis tareas de archivista oficial del programa esa noche y para el colmo al acostarme el dolor de cabeza se fue in crescendo... Vinimos a comer a las 2AM, despues de salir del programa. Y ya mi dolor de cabeza convertido en migra~a estaba tan fuerte, q me dio nauseas y no pude comer tampoco. Una Advil y pa'la cama a eso de las 2:30AM.

El domingo nos levantamos al mediodia, me comi las sobras mias de la noche anterior, y asi mismo le meti las manos a la cocina, para empacar todo todo todo lo que habia alli. A eso de las 4:30 o 5PM salimos al apt nuevo (ya los muchachos habian hecho par de rondas con la ayuda del papa y el hermano de Eze)... lo mismo ... no comimos de nuevo sino hasta las 7:30 ... sali del meollo como a las 10PM, muerta de cansancio, sudada ... pa mi casa, donde igual, nadie nunca se entero del trabajo horrible que pase (si, lo resiento, pq Eze tenia a su hermano y a su papa ayudandonos, Fonso tenia a su papa y a su amigo ayudandonos ... yo no tenia a nadie, mi hermano me salio con el issue de que estaba enfermo y listo, mi mama y mi hermana no me iban a ayudar... y mi papa en Florida ... ... q era el quien siempre me ayudaba con esas cosas ... ayyy, pa!

Eniweis, ya hoy los chicos entregan su apt viejo, aun faltaban par de cosas, pero creo q sacamos el grueso del trabajo alante en el fin de semana, con el unico gran detalle de que ninguno de nosotros descanso un carajo ... pero creo q valio la pena la movida ... ahora solo falta lo mio

Get Happy

2005-08-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

... on the tragic qualities of human nature, or how we lose childhood's brilliance little by little until all is left is a gray, dry, empty husk.

Self Note:

Remember: "Elegia" by New Order

Stumbleine

2005-08-10T15:27:00.000-04:00

Many things have come down since last time I wrote. I did have my one-week vacation, which was spent mostly apartment-hunting with Eze and Fonso. I had time to rest, to fool around, to stay up very very late... my last day, I went to a wake, though, something that shook the core of my small group of friends. M.'s mother died, and although I didn't know the lady, when Eze told me, it hit me like a stone to the face.

Strangely enough, even if my mother came to mind, it hurt most because of M., because I know how much this must hurt her. What else could I say at a moment like this? These are probably the kind of moments in which silence is perfection.

...

The move will start on Friday most possibly. Our new landlord's name is Edwin ("Hi! My name is Edwin! I will be your landlord today!" <-- yes, I could easily picture this rosy-cheeked person saying that) and the apartment is, for lack of better words, almost perfect:
3 spacy rooms
ample common space (living room/dining room)
a killer view (this is almost in the heart of our capital city, and you can see as far as the mountains, even on a hazy day)
very nice ventilation (a breeze runs through it, YES!)

The only deal that concerns me a bit is the Luna(dog)/Chivita(cat) interaction possibilities:
Worst case scenario: Cat & Dog will hate each other to death, or at least to the point of trying to kill each other, and Luna will have to spend weekdays, 8AM - 5PM, inside our room, destroying everything in sight out of pure boredom or desperation to get out.
Best case scenario: They will ignore each other, in which case it would be fine and dandy, I could let Luna roam the place freely during the day.

Another option would be to leave Luna at Mom's during the week, and then have a divorced-parent-like deal in which I could pick her up on Friday and return her Sunday night. But I still have heavy doubts, even about that arrangement, which would mean possible feelings of unstability and anxiety for Luna. Plus Monday was Ex-Pet Day too...

Yeah, Ex-Pet Day: Aeris's owner asked me to take care of her for a few weeks, while Copito (their other dog, one cute, little, white puff who has allegedly been a wonderful playmate for Aeris)recovers from an acute heart condition. Mom said "yes" on our following phone call (she even went as far as to say "How could I say no, if you're taking me to Dianita's on saturday?" (Dianita is our hairstylist, she lives a 30-minutes drive away, and while to me that is a reasonable distance, Mom refuses to drive beyond the San Juan-Rio Piedras borders, even Guaynabo is a bit too far and to me that is just plain lazy)... then, later on I got a call from my brother, ranting about all that was wrong about putting together Hyper-jumper Luna with Uber-crazy Aeris... then when I got home, Mom went ahead and against all my wishes that she would hold true to her word, she changed her mind. Unfortunately, I'm not the vengeful type. I'm still taking her to Dianita's. But I just wish that for once she started doing things for herself. It's not even the gas expenses, I can live with that. Last known time she drove to a place more than 20 minutes away was to go to Palmas del Mar to meet up with the prick that was her lover at the time. If she could place just half the effort to do things for herself instead of doing things to please men ... **sigh**

Well, that same night, after the whole hair-rising scene that ensued out of mom's chickenshit back-out, I received a call from an unknown number. Somebody had found Cleo (my second cat, and Aeris's second playmate, being Nina - Mom's dog - her first). Now, I started wondering why the hell were they calling me. It has been more than a year since I moved out of Martha's house, handing Vero (one of my stepsisters, the oldest) the cat, a cat that was born into the family when I was 21 and working my private life away in Cabo Rojo for Unisys. I figured Vero would take good care of Cleo, I mean, this cat is family. Well, later on, long after the fact, I realized Vero had given the cat away. It didn't exactly surprise me, since she married into a family intolerant of cats (and with a combined IQ insufficient to understand that black cats are not bad luck). I trusted her, though, to had chosen an appropriate place for her, a place she would be loved and taken care of, as I did (while under my care, Cleo was spayed, tagged and got over her fear of small dogs). Surprised may I be to find that the idiot that adopted her didn't even bother to change the tag so it would display THEIR phone number! IT MAKES ME REALLY MAD!

... since life is telling me "This is what you get for giving pets away.", I'm not leaving anyone behind from now on. Luna stays with me, no matter what. Apparently you can't trust anyone, not even family, to give importance to the things you care about, much less care themsleves.

Going down the drain

2005-07-22T13:59:00.000-04:00

Well, since I arrived (7/12) things haven't been exactly the same for me. During my 6-day trip to see my dad I realized how attached I've become to Eze, not in the sense of "oh-I-can't-live-without-you", but ... let's say it can be summed up in the following instance:

While I was there, most of the places I went to were malls. That's what Florida appears to be - a huge strip-mall without air conditioner. One of the malls I went to was in Naples. In there we visited stores in a whimsical manner: jewelry shops, pet turtle stands with ample tanks in the center, gag stores in which we whiled away the time and worries (and the money too)... we visited a bookstore, too. Not a huge bookstore, mind you, but organized and pretty enough to vaguely remind me of Border's in Escorial Plaza (one of our main hang-out places). I don't remember what we were looking at, but I suddenly got this thought in my mind "Well, this is nice! Nice place! And tonight I get to see Eze, which makes it even bet-" ... that's when I realized: I might not need Eze around all the time, but I do like to have him close by in my life... I have come to associate him with feeling comfortable and contented with my life in general.

Nonetheless, I had a good time in Florida. There are pictures still trapped inside the mem card in my camera, but the batteries I brought along with me pulled the plug in one of the worst moments, and what's worse: I never was able to take a picture of myself with my father. But there are pictures of my father and his wife and lots of other things ... which I might share later on... as soon as I get over my rage with the batteries and decide to put them into the camera again ... or as soon as I decide to replace them with new ones.

I got here, as I said, 7/12 ... to start working right away the next day. I was so lost. Our division (IT) had moved area again. It turned out for the best, though: I got a bigger desk, with an overhead bin and drawers to boot! It looks much more organized (and it is much more organized). So at work everything is cool, plus apparently everyone decided to go on vacation next week, so those of us left have to take the week off 'cuz they're shutting down anyway. Next week is off! Weeeeee ^_^

As a matter of fact, "next week is off" is a good one for me. Eze and I have our anniversary coming up (tomorrow!) and having the whole week off, both of us, is the best unplanned program ever. But our economic situation won't let us get as "away" as we would have liked, plus now the whole dispatch of gas has been paralized by the truck-drivers' union. (Yesh, shitty island, I know) I guess next week I will get to know the public transport system a whole lot better.

My sister bought the new installment on the Harry Potter book series:

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I started reading on Sunday or Monday, I think. I'm not even half way through the book and already some halfwit at this totally unrelated site placed the biggest spoiler right on the front page. DO NOT ENTER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW! At least I was REALLY put off by this. I might as well erase the link from my bookmarks and never peek into the site again. Other than that, the book is coming along pretty nicely (I know Eze would not agree, but then again, he hasn't read through a single HP book and seems to think that it's an either/or situation when it comes to Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings).

On Tuesday I sat Chichi down to watch Spirited Away. This would be the third time I've watched this movie, and I've noticed my reactions are as varied as my PMS moods.

This scene in particular, when they're riding the train across the "lake", gave me such a sensation of loneliness ... the same sensation I felt when I took the planes to and from Florida. Same lonely sensation, specially coming back. An empty gut feeling, like the mood in a hospital hall when you have some family member sick and dying... lonely, empty, silent ...

And that is pretty much what my dreams have been like since I arrived. I don't know where the fear of being left behind came from, but it has been exacerbated since I returned, to the point of dreaming that Eze had moved to the US (an improbability, far more impossible than getting some sense into Tom Cruise in these past few weeks)...

Well ... so this has been it for now. Pictures soon, depending on my mood and state of affairs with my batteries ...

BTW: put up a new blog, quite limited in theme, but hey! it's my space, and I think an open space for the subject of "pets" was long overdue anyways. I placed my first adoptee as first post, but I don't know why it won't play on the main window, like Mika's does! HELP?

From the Plane.. tha plane!

2005-07-07T09:03:00.000-04:00

yes, from the plane... I may post this later on, but at least here, now, as I write this, i'm on board. And it's more meek, lame, mild, blah than I remember. These seats are as uncomfortable as having your dentist ask you to please remove your clothes from the waist down. This is savage: we get crammed in a barely adequate space for six people side by side, and there are eight of us here. Four on the aisle and two and two by the windows. Thankfully I got a window seat... well, does it really matter? I'm getting bored anyway, it's not like the view has anything to offer: blue blue blue blue... oh, and white and blue again. (although i just looked out the window, and there IS a zen-like appeal to the whole electric blue view .... with white little rain-sheep speckled all over... clouds are cleaner on this side).

The anxiety over meeting Dad has subsided a bit (only a bit) to be replaced by my immediate attention to the fact that my back and my neck hurt - was it the backpack? or these cruelly uncomfortable seats?

Oh, and one other little detail: I didn't know garbage traveled with us. They play VH1 on airplanes, particularly "reality" TV shows like Ashlee "Hoppity-Hop-while-the-tape-deck-plays" Simpson's. That and these people don't offer in-flight food (anymore?). At least not for free. Then again, who in their right mind woud pay $5 for airplane food? I would, only if I were flying by ACES (Colombian airline, I think it might be deceased). In any other case, they can stick their funny-tasting sandwiches up their ass. I'll have some water with 2 drops of coffee (that which gringos call coffee per se) and that granola bar you're shoving down our throats, I'm sure it tastes better than the shit you're selling, and it's for free. (Either all that makes sense, or I'm just subconsciously bitter about not getting breakfast).

But hey, this is just a few hours, after that, from what I gather, I'm getting pampered for a few days, and best of all: I get to see Dad! ^_^ (oh and another tiny plus on the side- I got a carton of Benson Menthol Light cigarettes for just $20 :-D … AND I saved a bunch of money with Geico!)

Lamaze for the Un-Pregnant.

2005-07-05T15:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, tengo que sentarme y respirar hondo. La ansiedad va in crescendo. Me doy cuenta q lo que faltan son dos dias na mas, de hecho, un solo dia laboral de por medio, el resto es, como diria mi padre, ca~i~a'e mono. Pero me voy dando cuenta de que el prospecto de montarme en un avion, aunque no menos atractivo, tambien me aterra ... es una de esas sensaciones entre placer y panico (que cosas no? las dos p)

No es porque me de miedo que se caiga el avion, explote o en general pase una desgracia que me deje sin extremidades o en ultimo caso, sin vida. Esas cosas bien podrian pasar, pero ahi yo no puedo hacer nada. En todo caso montamos balsa y nos tiramos a la Habana y hacemos Lost 2: Latino Edition cha cha cha! con maracas y todo.

Lo que me provoca ansiedad es el prospecto del viaje mismo, y no se si es miedo o simple ansiedad de que llegue ya ese dia. En todo caso, bien podria ser ansiedad por ver a mi padre, pero tambien es esas cosquillitas que se me salen cada vez q voy a viajar (no es muy a menudo, desafortunadamente). Todo ese proceso de esperar en una sala con mas ventanas que las recomendables (no creo q aquellos q sufren de un autentico miedo a volar deban ver como el vuelo con hora de llegada a 30 minutos del despegue del suyo se estrella contra las vallas de la pista y explota, dejando huesos y craneos esparcidos como si hubiese explotado una pi~ata), hacer la filita toda civilizada para montarse en el avion, ver el pasillito con todo y complejo de acordeon (lo que suena es el lamento de los que le tienen fobia a volar, no es un acordeon de verdad, mi gente), sentarse en esa butaquita que a duras penas acomoda el trasero bien alimentado de una ... todo eso ... y mirar por la ventana pa fuera y obsesionarse de modo enfermizo por dos horas con los motores o las helices ... si, es una delicia. De hecho, creo que para combatir la obsesividad voy a llevar mi laptop y par de peliculas que me interesa ver. A ver si en el mejor de los casos se le acaba la bateria justo antes de aterrizar ... el peor de los casos ni lo menciono. Una cosa es llamar al diablo, otra cosa es verlo venirse en tu cara.

Sexaaaaay!

A toda esa expectativa de experiencia, le sumamos la ansiedad por ver a mi padre, que no lo veo hace mas de un a~o... una se imagina (o trata de imaginarse) la cara de el cuando me vea... pero mas comico va a ser ver la temblequera q voy a tener, probablemente si me colocan dentro de un modulo de estudio de movimientos, puedo servir de modelo para el proximo vibrador que lancen al mercado. Nada mas de imaginarme la escena, me estremezco de la felicidad... y la ansiedad.

Deberia viajar mas a menudo, a lo mejor estas pelotudeces no me ocurririan tan violentamente. Bueno, ahi Eze esta considerando unos precios para pasaje a Espa~a en Navidad. De ser ese el caso, la ansiedad va a ser doble: 1) Viaje mas largo, 2) Visita a un lugar nunca antes visto. Me anima mucho el prospecto y soy capaz de dejar mis ahorros ahi, es una experiencia unica (aunq esperaria que fuera un poco mas comun, pero para eso hace falta lo que los cristianos le llaman un "milagrito", y yo le llamo "situacion providencial" ... si, todo suena a que la virgen maria - en minusculas, pq mas comun el nombre no podia ser - de todos modos va a meter la cuchara, me guste o no)

Es diminuta pero esta ahi, la cuchara...

De todos modos, desde alla posiblemente postee algo en este blog, o a lo mejor no, hay que ver que ritmo de vida han adoptado mi padre y mi madrastra. Se que tienen cable modem (o al menos broadband: same shit, different provider) pero segun me cuenta Martha, papi llega a la casa es a conectarse al internet y empezar a bajar musica y etc etc por ahi pa'bajo ... sounds familiar?

It always does ...

Getting Closer

2005-06-30T14:11:00.000-04:00

... No se si es la ansiedad o que, pero ultimamente he estado teniendo sue~os muy vividos. Me acuerdo de tres, de los cuales dos tienen que ver con mi familia de parte de papi (a quien muy pronto estare visitando, claro, sin conocimiento de el).

El primero que tuve fue bastante obvio: la ansiedad con el viaje por avion en si. So~e que estaba dando el viaje, pero en vez de estar dentro del avion, estaba sentada en una sillita puesta afuera, sobre el ala ... sin cinturon de seguridad ni nada ... de mas esta decir que el sue~o entero estuve haciendome un ocho tratando de mantenerme sobre la silla. Un susto.

El segundo sue~o tuvo de escenario una casa bastante similar a la ultima casa en la cual papi vivio aqui en PR. Estabamos todos reunidos (todos siendo yo, mis hermanos, mis hermanastros, mi madrastra y mi papa) ... no recuerdo pormenores del sue~o... ya no, q jodienda! A mi se me suele olvidar con facilidad esos detalles.

El de anoche fue mas vivido aun (o al menos esta bien fresquecito en mi mente, aparte de q fue bastante largo... se me pego la sabana y todo). Soñe con tres hombres. Ninguno es mi pareja actual. Pero con todos estaba involucrada (lo cual me parece una puteria de mi parte, pero total: no tengo control sobre lo que sue~o).
Uno de ellos era jovencito, probablemente no mayor de 22 o 23 a~os de edad, palido, bien delgado, de ojos azul electrico(unos ojos muy bonitos, por cierto, y eso que no soy devota de los ojos claros) y pelo rizado, negro. Ese era mi "admirador" fiel, perrito faldero, lo q quieran llamarle. Lindo como el sol, pero con una personalidad sosa por mas decir. Sin embargo en el sue~o me vi en un momento enjorqueta con el... a varios niveles, para ser honesta. Besandolo y abrazandolo con unas ganas incandescentes ... :-S ... y lo peor: considerandolo como pareja en mi mente, aun cuando sabia que dejaba mucho que desear en cuanto a fuerza de personalidad.
El segundo era feo como el rayetes, feo a nivel de este cabron:

... pero menos amarillento. Lo problematico del asunto es que no importa que tan feo y desagradable era, desataba en mi un deseo sexual irreprimible.
El tercero ... H.. No se qué hace H. en mis sue~os, pero bueno, es su problema, no el mio. Lo curioso es que a el era a quien le confesaba toda la verdad ... pq supuestamente era con el con quien yo estaba a nivel formal. Bueno ... un despingue ...

La noche fabulosa q tuve tiene que haberme jamaqueado el cerebro, de seguro. Eso o los Butter Toffee Peanuts dan pesadillas o sue~os extra~os.

2005-06-22T09:48:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the weirdest experience yet. I stayed over at Eze's apartment. All normal in the course of things. We had dinner, some beers, we had Pepe over for a visit, a nice time, some fun, it was good. I went to sleep, and Eze followed shortly after (although I barely noticed when he came in, I think I was sound asleep).

Later on, I wake up. Eze was talking in his sleep, almost shouting. Obviously, a nightmare, so I woke him up. I asked him what his dream was, he told me he dreamt of being lost in a forest, which strikes me as funny 'cuz he had woken me up from a dream in which I was walking through a forest with him (not so lost, though). I tell him this and say "Next time look for me, you weren't that lost after all" as if it were the most natural thing (at 2 or 3 AM anything makes sense). Then I went back to sleep. However, it surprises me a bit that I still remember this. I usually forget about dreams and things that happen to me when I'm half asleep. They're usually a blur under my consciousness.

Well, not this time. Seems like Eze and I actually shared a walk through the forest.

2005-06-15T16:06:00.000-04:00

Feeling it more acutely. This is going to be a problem. I am fairly regular in my hormonal cycles, which means I might be having this same sensation a month from now ... which means I will be feeling like this just as I return to PR from that long expected vacation at my Dad's. I'm gonna be a mushy pile of shit.

Eze called me this morning: some motherfucking IDIOT smashed his window... apparently with no particular interest, since the only thing removed from the car was a jack hidden under the seat.

My mother has been in a bitchy mood (apparently) since yesterday. When confronted about said mood today she became prim-Miss-Rosie and suddenly ... oh! what have I been talking about? She? a bitch? NEVER! Oh dear, how dare I accuse her of that?! I am the bitch usually and will always be ... shuar!

Anyways, yesterday I had the most funny phone-run-in with my Dad. He was apparently at a loss trying to download some music and he thought it was supposed to be delivered at his e-mail acocunt. But the only thing in his inbox was a message filled with what he described as "binary code" (which I suppose is in truth just a bunch of random letters, numbers and characters). After a desperate call to Eze and some read-over at the site, I realize he needs (well, not so much needs, but that would ease the process) a client to download the mp3s. So I tell him, I download a copy of the exe file over here to guide him along, etc etc ... funny thing is he tells me he had downloaded the program. I tell him to try it again, to uninstall the old one and install the newest version. As soon as he opens his exe file he realizes: he had downloaded de exe file but hadn't run it ever ... he thought that was the way programs work ...

enditoooooo! ^_^ That's my Dad! (the same guy who wrote "Backap" instead of "back up")

Love ya, Dad!

2005-06-13T10:38:00.000-04:00

_{(feeling blue, out of sorts, vulnerable, depressed ... looking for an answer deep inside what I know to be true)}

LA ERA ESTA PARIENDO UN CORAZON

Le he preguntado
a mi sombra
a ver como ando
para reirme
mientras el llanto
con voz de templo
rompe en la sala
regando el tiempo.

Mi sombra dice
que reirse
es ver los llantos
como mi llanto
y me he callado
desesperado
y escucho entonces
la tierra llora.

La era esta pariendo
un corazon
no puede mas
se muere de dolor
y hay que acudir corriendo
pues se cae el porvenir.
En cualquier selva del mundo
en cualquier calle.

Debo dejar la casa
y el sillon
la madre vive hasta que muere el sol
y hay que quemar el cielo
si es preciso por vivir
Por cualquier hombre del mundo
por cualquier casa.

2005-06-08T10:56:00.000-04:00

Well, haven't posted in a bit and a few changes have gone underway, but all good.

1) I cut my hair, and my stars were good with me this time. My brother liked it, which says a LOT, since he's very nitpicky and extremely honest when it comes to my general appearance. My boyfriend loved it (well, that's what he said, plus his face spoke by itself, so I don't doubt it). And most importantly: I liked it. A lot. It changes my overall look considerably, which I love. So this is a keeper for the moment being. Will post pics later on ('cuz I haven't taken any)

2) Mari broke my ears' hymen! Tee hee ^_^ I got gauge 8 tapers through my earlobes now. They are sore, but getting better ... s l o w l y... Thanx, Mari!

3) This week I started doing my exercise routine with Eze (I had been doing it alone or with my mother). He has given me new drive: he pushes me to jog (or run, I don't know, I am so slow that my sprints could be mistaken for brisk jogs), and yesterday he introduced me to the running track in the UPR, Río Piedras campus. Beautiful, big, spacy, I LOVE it! :D

Tonight we're going to the premiere gala of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Nice one!

2005-05-31T10:10:00.000-04:00

My latest craze: "3D text". I found this website by sheer chance and I haven't let it go much. That's why you see the odd banners in the last few posts. If you wanna spice up your text too (just a bit, nothing fancy, this is not the epitome of graphic design).

Click on the banner up there, in any case I put up the link on my link list at the right. Enjoy! ^_^

2005-05-30T23:43:00.000-04:00

The iPod died Saturday night. Today I went to CompUSA to exchange it, expecting an unpleasant time and unsatisfying outcome. The result?

iPod Photo 60Gigabytes

... had to pay no difference, only spent $40 more on an extension on the warranty. Now I see it pays off.

It gave me a bit of a twitch to the heart, to leave an iPod that's been with me for ... hey, for how long? half a year? well, but it had gone through some rough times with me ... I almost felt like crying ... however, new iPod (no name yet)... welcome home.

^_^

2005-05-30T12:52:00.000-04:00

It had to happen. After 3 consecutive weekends of spending hours to no end (pleasant and not-so-pleasant) with my family, I had to escape.

Friday night - Eze complied with my whim to go to El Hipopótamo, a Spanish-owned (I think) small restaurant. I had this craving for Serrano ham and some beer, and I got it. Some quality time with Eze, followed by a nice hang-out at El Jíbaro (Río Piedras) with him and Cristina and Syndia (is that what the name is spelled like?). A few beers, too much rain for my taste, and some music. The night ended early. I had to wake up early.

Saturday started early, at about 7:30AM. Eze surprised me by getting up and joining me in my quest for: 1) the dashboard centeriece that was missing for my car, 2) my car's license, 3) my brother's birthday gift. Then I took him to the supermarket. The idea was to get some water (I think). He ended up making some full-fledged grocery shopping. Dropped him off at his apartment and headed home. Whatever happenned that afternoon is blurry. I know I helped some with the laundry, and I know I did some exercise. But it's blurry to me. The day started again when I headed out to the radio station with my sister. A mellow evening of music and gossiping a bit with friends. Then to drop my sister and her girlfriend off. Stopped by the 7-11 to wait a bit for Eze. Had a nice time there (who knew a convenience store would make such a comfy place to talk about whatever, just like in El Cojo, but without the alcohol?). Then I followed Eze home.

Sunday started off with Hotel Rwanda, the telling of a genocide in Rwanda in 1994. Suffice it to say this movie makes you ashamed of being alive. I cried much less than I felt like crying. It broke my heart and I was unable to follow the plan of watching Dogville after that. We dawdled a little after that and then Eze surprised me yet again, and decided to join me to Border's Cafe in Escorial. Mari was supposed to bring some plugs. I have it in mind to get a 4 gauge on each earlobe. She wasn't able to get the plugs she wanted to give me, so it will have to wait a bit longer. However, she and Pepe got me the following belated birthday presents:

A black T-shirt with this design on it:

Another gray shirt with a design of Alice (in Wonderland? Through the Looking Glass? who knows ... ^_^ ) with the Cheshire Cat. It reads something to the effect of "I am not all there" ... these shirts were in my Wishful Thinking list since I saw them. Mari and Pepe are the best! Thanx, guys!

Plus Mari went and gave me something unexpected:

Miyuki-chan in Wonderland

A Japanese anime adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. Quirky. Sexy. Over the top. ^_^ Good thing to really start a collection of Alice in Wonderland stuff (plus I bought the actual books on Saturday, to read them through for real - not the adapted-for-children stuff I read years and years ago).

The night ended too early, I'd say. But then again, this morning I woke up with some difficulty. Sometimes thing work out for the better.

Just for the sake of writing

2005-05-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

I find myself being less tolerant of others lately. Some cynism might have found its way into my system ... may be the water. Still feeling like I don't know exactly what I'm waiting for ... my upcoming trip to FLA? moving out of my mom's spare room? dropping those 20+ extra pounds which make me look hideous? cutting my hair into a more manageable/kooky/trendy style?

It's like suddenly I stopped living in the future, none of my "plans" excite me into ecstasy anymore. There are a few things (like all of those mentioned above) which I want to do, some I am doing already (like the diet, which is going ok, considering that half my pot-belly is gone and my mother says the weight loss is noticeable around the hips ... or the hairstyle change, which I made an appointment for in a week).

But my usual pasttime, my favorite, daydreaming, doesn't happen all that easily anymore. :-( Something is missing in me: the child-like illusion that "tomorrow holds a better surprise yet". I don't know what took that away from me. It makes me sad that somehow, at a certain point or juncture, I lost the ability to dream.

Is this what "being an adult" feels like? If this is it, even though it's not terribly disgusting, I wish I could go back to the extreme ups and downs, the emotional outlook on life. The extreme happiness combined with the depressing down-times. I don't want a gray life. I want my vivid-colors filter back. :-(

Whoever took it: please return said item.

2005-05-23T13:49:00.000-04:00

Well, finally the dreaded weekend came and passed, but not without leaving a few stories behind to tell.

Thursday, after work, I rushed home to get out of my work pants and into a pair of jeans, to coax my sister into my car (she does need coaxing... if we were to move at her pace, the world would be a sloth bear waiting for the sun to spin around it). The plan was to make it to Escorial by 6PM and hold places for Eze, Popu, David, Alfonso, Iohann, Crappy, Cheo, Pepe ... did I forget anyone? sorry if I did **blush** Got there in time to make second place (btw: the movie was Star Wars: Episode 3) and waited for Eze to arrive so he could hold place in my stead (I was quite hungry, hadn't had dinner). Well, during the whole wait 'til 9PM, we were able to eat dinner, argue with the ushers, argue with some fellow line-holders, have a nice conversation with Pepe and later with Alfonso, and eventually get irritated at the heat, the line, the world in general... oh, and see an ankle biter of less than 3' of height wearing a Darth Vader helmet. Yep ... fun fun fun at the movies, specially when it's second day of showing a movie that brings too many people to the theatres.

I didn't worry much about the time we got home. Friday was my sister's high school graduation. Not worrying was a mistake. I woke up much more tired than I went to bed. But "show must go on", or so said Fred Mercury. I expected the graduation to be a long pain in the ass. It was actually short and sweet, to the point. No use in prolonging a painful experience. I was able to take a few charming snapshots. No crying was involved in this particular ceremony. Weird. It's almost as if these kids held no nostalgia for the school they were graduating from. I'd say they were glad to be out of there. Very bland, indeed. Usually these events are characterized by hordes of weeping, hugging, reminiscing teenagers. Not this time around. Either the school is that fucked up (I don't doubt it) or the generation in question is not as emotional as ours was (I don't doubt it either, but the school is fucked up).

After the graduation (which was attended to by my mother, my sister's girlfriend, and myself) the proverbial "celebration lunch" had to be held (yes, I guess it's a cultural thing: after a graduation, you HAVE to eat). And of course, the place to head to is usually Graduates Haven: Dennys. This time was no exception (I remember: my graduation finished at midnight, 10 years ago ... we headed to Dennys, nonetheless). I called Eze to invite him (Dennys is pretty close to his workplace) so he popped up! ^_^ so cute of him to join.

The lunch was uneventful, however everyone insisted the service was terrible. Could I be so absent-minded that I didn't notice this? Either that or reading the Waiter Rant Blog has given me a different outlook on what a waiter has to go through. I think I said a few cue things to help them understand it's not easy working at an under-staffed restaurant filled with a crowd of mainly students and families flocking in from a graduation ceremony 10 blocks away. We left the minimum tip. Sorry. :-/

We headed home immediately. The idea for me was to head right out to Xtreme Auto Body (a workshop where I ordered the dashboard piece missing in my car) and then to work. But I fell asleep. Profoundly asleep. 'Til almost 5. It felt like I had passed out. Then, I woke up feeling sick (the usual lately: allergies, sinus congestion, etc). I had promised to take Vivi (my sis's gf) to her house. I did (I did, right?) and then I picked Eze up to go for a brief dinner. The craving? Serrano Ham @ El Hipopótamo. What we did? Churrasco steak & tostones @ Dos Pinos. I still owe myself that Serrano ham with a nice, cold beer. Went home early enough to pump myself full of meds and go to sleep right away.

Saturday started out earlier than I would have liked: 9AM ... to be in time for an appointment at 12PM. My mom is a bit of an overkill at times. But this once around I think it worked well. Time enough to run to the post office and to the drug store to get a few bottles of water and soda for the road (I keep forgetting my mom sees any trip longer than 15 minutes as an expedition) . We got there in time. And it didn't take more than 3 hours: my sister, my mother and me - hairstyles and plus. My sister got a beautiful hairdo, like a crisscross of hair forming a net falling to the back of her hair, very pretty and dainty. Plus, seeing her with straight hair is a treat that won't be repeated for a loooong time. My mom got the layered haircut she always wanted, but had never gotten due to ... I'd say incompetent, untalented hair salon workers --- no, those are NOT stylists. Then she got her hair straightened out and styled with a blower. I think she might trade stylists. ;-) I got a high updo, quite 50's or 60's style. And a trim. And got an appointment for the fortweekend. I really need a change.

Well, after 2'45", we were ready, so we rushed home to get ready. It was 3PM and we had to be at the hotel at 6PM for the family photo shoot (oh, how I hate that!). So rush rush, prim prim, clack clack, we were out the door by 5:45 PM. We got there quite on time: the photographer was setting up when we arrived. The whole photographer and wait ordeal was stupid, boring, prolonged...

People apparently get airs of superiority when they dress up. Proms are an excuse for young girls to learn how to do this (and how to teeter-totter in high heels, set themselves in uncontrollably vapid banter, and lose their virginity - if they haven't yet). The whole group filed in and profiles were read for each grad student: Name, who was walking in with them (mom, dad ... there was a poor soul who was marching in with her boyfriend's father, makes me wonder), any characteristic which might have stood out enough for the popular pricks to notice and jot down into that little, silk-clad, beaded notebook of theirs (poor nerds, they were probably "friendly and sociable", even if they were never invited to the populars' table), and where & what they were going to study (as if it were written in stone! there was this one girl I truly admire, who braved having her profile declare she was admitted to General Studies ... yes, she's headed to try it all and arrive to an informed decision on what to do with her life ... loser **insert rolleye smiley here**). Most kids had these very important-sounding future careers and studies plans jotted down on their profile. I guess they haven't realized that sometimes life doesn't work out like a planner book. Let's see how many of these teen sluts become pregnant by age 22.

The rest of it was a joke: mediocre food, and flocks of people rushing the buffet tables, because apparently they didn't eat all day to make space for the "delicious hotel food" they were gonna eat

... excuse me? The chicken was fucking overcooked, dry and bland.

Then the music, cranked up to ear-piercing volume -- and bad music at it, nothing I could actually enjoy, plus I might be wrong, but nowadays they play merengue, and almost no one goes to the dance floor like they used to. Kids these days are disconnected from their parents' tropical eagerness. But then play some reggaetón and all hell breaks loose. I tried finding my sister in that human knot that immediately took shape in the front. Mission: Impossible.

I decided to kill time by walking back and forth throughout the hotel with my brother (long talks ensued) and my mother (beer-drinking from a foam container in the trunk of my car ensued). We enjoyed a bit of classical music being played at the wedding reception being held in the space accross the hall (in juxtaposition to the horrendous cookie-cutter beats blasting from my sister's prom). We saw a girl sitting on a wheelchair, with an ice bag held to her head, later learned that a light bulb had fallen on her head in the bathroom (that must be a real bummer: having a lightbulb crash on your head in your prom night ... nearest thing to Carrie you can get in this island). We had the chance to have a silent argument over table spaces with this bitch sitting accross us (supposedly, a reporter; to me? a cheap $4/hour whore, dressed up in Kress Formalwear) Well, my sister makes me proud: she bailed at 11PM. Short and sweet. Thanks, Chichi! Kiwi and I will always thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Got home, ditched the poppy skirt for a pair of jeans, the flat, black pumps for some nice, comfy slippers ... called Eze, jumped in his car, headed to oblivion... well. actually to his parents' in Toa Baja, but good enough for me. Yesterday was as relaxed as could have been. Thanx, Eze! ^_^ Now...

back to reality. THANKFULLY!

Intellect for the "less-than-masses" ... one ... TO GO!

2005-05-16T14:35:00.000-04:00

I'm sleepy, not in the best of moods... I don't know where this one came from, but all touchy-feely tendencies are far gone ... right now I'm sleepier than most days at this godforsaken time (nearing 3PM) and I wanna sleep far away from everyone and everything. Just pop into a bubble and float far away. At least until next sunrise.

My apologies to everyone involved. I guess I will feel better in time.

You scored as One Intelectual Individual. You're a thinker. You see
things from a very different prospective than the rest of the world, and
probably find release and self-expression in music, painting, sculpting, or
any other form of art. People see you as a deep person, full of knowledge
that they don't understand. People are attracted to that, but there's a
good chance you don't care.

One Intelectual Individual

100%

New Age Hippie

75%

Earth-Child

75%

Original Hippie

63%

Pothead

38%

Not a Hippie

25%

What type of hippie are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

It's been intense...

2005-05-12T13:52:00.000-04:00

Few instances of what's been happenning to me have popped up in this blog. I'm talking about only a week, maybe less, of things happenning in my life. However, they're many and intense, and all interrelated.

#1 - I got this brilliant idea for Father's Day. Given it that Mother's Day was at best ho-hum, at worst totally dreadful, I decided to give myself and my Dad the best possible gift. Out of the blues and without asking all too many people, I bought a plane ticket to Fort Myers, FLA. Obviously round-trip (for those who fear for either my mental sanity or my tendencies to flight ... or both, yes, it can happen). For five days ... however, I forgot one little detail: work. Now it's all up to Mr. Dreyfous's humanity to see if I can go on the appointed date. Otherwise it's another wad of $$$ out of my pocket to fix that little mixup.

#2 - All the while, I am getting these flight spasms (you know I had to get them somehow) ... what I mean is --- I want out of my mother's house. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having no space (either physical or emotional) and no peace. Things with mom are getting a bit out of hand. The peace truce is over, it's time for me to move. A good friend tells me she's about to buy a house... so let's see what happens, but I offered at least a year of help and company. I think we could help each other a lot that way.

#3 - Issues with Eze. Yeah, but that is not for me to discuss here.

#4 - Big issues with my mom - cuz she totally deserves another point for herself, all alone.

I just hope I can get to see my Dad ... and move out of home. Bide my time, yes ... I know...

An image

2005-05-04T10:29:00.000-04:00

... speaks in a million voices what the heart won't say.

Funny how we already seemed comfortable with each other, even if we weren't even a couple yet. We've come a long way since then, but it still feels brand new.

un cuestionario

2005-05-02T13:23:00.000-04:00

Sacado de Pulsorock.com (hacía tiempo q estaba buscando una pendejá de estas ... entretienen a veces):

1. ¿Qué hora es? -- 9:44AM

2. Nombre Completo? -- Diana María Campo Rossy

3. ¿Tu apodo? -- En el net tengo varios: diana_dhevi, Anais, tangerine_dream, dhevi. En lo personal, sólo tuve uno hace muchos años... [CENSORED]

4. ¿Cuando es tu cumpleaños? -- 8 de marzo

5. ¿Signo zodiacal? -- piscis

6. ¿Edad? -- 27 años

7. ¿Que escuchas ahora mismo? -- "Fillip", Muse (del album Showbiz, 1999) a través de Pagan_Poetri's Launchcast Station

8. ¿Estas comiendo algo? -- nah, muy temprano aun.

9. ¿Estas tomando algo? -- agua de a sorbitos ... soy una fucking esponja.

10. ¿Número de calzado? -- 8

11. ¿Color de pelo? -- pintado de negro, con raices (y brotes!) brown con muchas muchas canas, especialmente en la parte de alfrente.

12. ¿Color de ojos? -- marrón oscuro

13. ¿Algo que te trauma? -- no current traumas underway

14. ¿Que color de ropa traes puesto? -- gris oscuro (estoy en un estado transicional de vuelta al negro)

15. ¿En donde estudias o trabajas? -- trabajo en una compañia local (PR) de tecnología para la educación. Pretty fun place!

16. ¿Qué idiomas hablas? -- inglés y español (ambos escritos y hablados fluidamente)

17. ¿Qué es lo que haces en tu tiempo libre? -- juego con mi **nuevo** Gamecube, conectarme al internet cuando puedo, ver TV (de vez en cuando), hablar con Eze, compartir con mi familia, hacer ejercicios, dormiiiiir... etc etc .... no es como q tengo un pasatiempo definido.

18. ¿Tienes tatuajes? -- 3 en total

19. ¿Perforaciones? -- 7 rotitos aparte de los que la naturaleza me dio.

20 ¿Algo que tienes puesto siempre y no te lo quitas? -- la pantalla de la lengua, la del ombligo, y 3 de las 5 perforaciones en mis orejas.

21. ¿Lo primero que piensas cuando despiertas? -- "diez minutos más! SNOOZE!"

22. ¿Qué hay en las paredes de tu habitación? -- por el momento, nada. Tengo un poster de Labyrinth esperando a q le llegue el marco para colgarlo de la pared:

23. ¿Qué hay debajo de tu cama? -- polvo y dos maletines de rattan con muñecas viejas ... creo q es eso, puede q me esté equivocando y q estén vacías, pero sí, hay dos maletitas child-sized de rattan.

24. Qué música te gusta? -- si vienes aquí, te enteras.

25. ¿Cuál es tu color favorito? -- negro, rojo, algunas tonalidades y combinaciones de verde, algunas combinaciones de rosita, azules bien oscuros o gradaciones de azul hacia verde.

26. ¿Coleccionas algo? -- figuritas de elefantitos y tortuguitas, dos de mis animales favoritos

29. ¿Persona a la que admiras? -- a mi papá, por haber llegado a una serenidad de ser q no todo el mundo alcanza con todos sus años encima, y a mi novio, por llevar una vida q no compromete sus ideales y siempre los lleva presente en todo lo que hace.

28. ¿Tienes alguna fobia? -- a las abejas, y aun asi me regodeo en esa fobia mediante las películas de terror de abejitas, y los documentales

29. ¿Tu programa de tv favorito? -- ALIAS

30. ¿Caricatura favorita? -- Megatokyo

31. ¿Deporte favorito? -- natación (me gusta observar, yo no practico nada)

32. ¿Comida preferida? -- comida árabe (arroz con almendras, cordero, hummus, yummm!), jamón serrano, comida italiana

33. Ultima Pelicula Que Viste? -- dammit, can't remember!

34. Ultimo Que Comiste? -- desayuno: huevo frito, tocineta, tostada integral con queso suizo low fat

36. ¿Hace cuanto que no te bañas? -- desde ayer en la tarde (creo yo... jejeje!)

37. ¿Bebida (no alcohólica) preferida? -- agua :-D en serio, es lo q más tomo y es un resuelve cabrón

38. ¿Bebida o trago preferido? -- Corona con limón

39. ¿Alguna vez has tomado tanto que hasta perdiste la conciencia? -- sip! no fue cool, hace tiempo largo no lo hago

40. ¿Supersticioso/a? -- un cara-!

41. ¿Que libro estas leyendo? -- Neuromancer por William Gibson (aunq la lectura está en pausa por el momento)

42. ¿Cuantos timbrasos antes de contestar el telefono? -- depende de qué tan rápido encuentro el celular

43. ¿Si fueras una crayola, que color serias? -- sería de las crayolas esas q son un revolú de colores, seguramente entre gris, negro y plateado

44. ¿Shampoo preferido? -- el que haya en casa, honestamente no tengo preferencias, excepto cambiar de shampoo de vez en cuando, por aquello de variar un poco.

45. ¿Pasta dentrifica preferida? -- últimamente están viniendo unos sabores extrañísimos, como vainilla con menta, cítricos, etc ...

46. ¿Helado preferido? -- napolitano :-)

47. ¿Dulce favorito? -- dejé los dulces hace como dos meses

48. ¿Juego (de mesa o computadora) preferido? -- ahora mismo estoy jugando Animal Crossing y Metroid con relativa frecuencia, pero me acabo de comprar Harvest Moon, asi q vamos a ver como me va con ese ... tengo a Eternal Darkness estancado :-( pero espero sacarlo del olvido pronto ... y quería jugar Halo, pero la copia q me dieron está corrupta aparentemente.

49. ¿Algo que odies o que te moleste? -- la deshonestidad, la hipocresía, el materialismo, la intolerancia

50. Carro Preferido? -- me gusta mucho el diseño de los Volky Beetles de los años 70

51. Palabras o frases que mas usas? -- usualmente no estoy consciente de esas manías hasta q alguien me lo diga ... bueno, está el "Qué mal!", pero he terminado pegándoselo a todo el mundo en la oficina, y eso a mí me lo pegó todo el crew de FA.

52. ¿Un defecto? -- demasiado emocional

33. Una Virtud? -- demasiado emocional (curioso no? puede servir a favor o en contra mía)

54. ¿Tu mejor rasgo? -- no, no, i don't like to toot my horn ... cada persona encuentra q mi mejor rasgo es algo distinto ... no todos coinciden

55. ¿Tu peor rasgo? -- demasiado emocional (no te lo dije?)

56. ¿Nadaste o nadarias desnudo/a? -- lo haría, pero en este país no hay sitios donde hacer esto sin que asedien a una.

57. ¿Momento mas triste de tu vida? -- el incendio de mi casa.

58. ¿Que buscas en una pareja? -- que me respete, que me complemente, q me entienda, q me inspire, que me apoye, alguien con metas propias, con ideales, con valores, tolerante, alguien q me haga reir, q se lleve bien con mi familia, q se lleve bien con su familia también (que tenga presente siempre el valor de lo que es la familia), alguien q le guste viajar, q pueda comunicarse conmigo, q podamos llegar a un punto medio ... afortunadamente lo tengo todo ya en mi pareja actual.

59. ¿Momento inolvidable o muy importante en tu vida? -- hay muchos, pero el más reciente q aun resuena despues de 9 meses, es el primer beso con Eze ... eso cambió totalmente el rumbo de mi vida

60. Mejor Sentimiento? -- la felicidad sin temor

61. ¿Quien es tu amor platónico? -- amor platónico no, pero sí un platonic crush ... y mejor que se quede así, funciona de lo más lindo asi.

62. ¿Has hecho sentir mal a alguien? -- de seguro lo he hecho sin darme cuenta, pero adrede han sido pocas las veces ... creo yo ... o será q se me olvida cuando lo hago?

63.Persona a la que odias? -- ahora mismo estoy en paz con todo el mundo

64. ¿Tienes novio (a)? -- si!!! ^_^

65. ¿Que es lo primero que le notas al sexo opuesto? -- la mirada ... de segundo, la sonrisa

66. ¿Estas enamorado/a? -- SI!!! ^_^

67. Antes de eso estuviste enamorado/a? -- he estado enamorada antes ... varias veces

68. ¿De la misma persona? -- eh? esta pregunta si q no la entiendo ... de qué misma persona?

69. ¿Amaste tanto a alguien como para llorar? -- siiii... una sensación sumamente confusa

70. ¿Qué le dirías a alguien y no te atreves? -- usualmente cuando no me atrevo a decirle a alguien algo, es cuando tengo problemas con esa persona, o cuando quiero que me dejen en paz ... para el último caso, envío mensajes no verbales no muy sutiles que digamos.

71. ¿Persona la que nunca vas a olvidar? -- hay varias, no sería justo nombrar solo una.

72. ¿Persona que extrañas? -- a mi papá

73. ¿Te han herido emocionalmente? -- varias veces también, pero yo me hiero fácil ... afortunadamente esas heridas sanan fácil también.

74. ¿Haz guardado secretos? -- sí, pero no por mucho tiempo, casi siempre le comento a alguien algo

75. ¿Carta o mail? -- mail, es más rápido y fácil

76. ¿Frío o calor? -- frío (odio sudar)

77. ¿Adidas,Nike o Reebook? -- ninguna de las anteriores, pero vi unos tennis marca Danskin lo más monos el otro día y mi mamá se los compró ... lindos lindos ... mis tennis son marca Champion, compradas en Payless.

78. ke prefieres noche o dia? -- noche ... o atardecer ... siempre es más emocionante

79. ¿Verano o invierno? -- invierno (hay mucha festividad en invierno, muchos días libres, es lindo)

80. ¿Hot dog o hamburguesas? -- hamburguesa (al menos tengo más control de lo que me estoy comiendo, si es que los hago yo)

81. ¿Pepsi o coca cola? -- ninguna de las anteriores, tomo agua (aunq solía tener una adicción FUERTE con la Coca Cola)

82. cerveza o vino? -- cerveza (el vino da resaca mala)

83. ¿Disney o warner bros? -- Disney ... pero solo por Lilo & Stitch y Alice in Wonderland ... y bueno ... Finding Nemo ... y ... :-( okei, hay q admitir que de vez en cuando se la comen, pero son unos capitalistas de mierda, y no estoy de acuerdo con que se lucren con tooodos y cada uno de los detalles posibles vendiendo mierdas a sobreprecio.

84. ¿Mc donald´s o burguer king? -- ninguna de las dos ... eso es derrr diabloooo!

85. ¿Domino´s o Pizza hut? -- nope, prefiero la pizza de subway

86. ¿Rosas o tulipanes? -- tulipanes

87. Tímido o extrovertido? -- tímid@

88. ¿Playa o montaña? -- una playa al lado de una montaña, asi cuadramos

89. ¿Eminem o sean paul? -- Eminem

90. ¿BMW o peugeot? -- Peugeot (en Colombia lo más que hay son esos, la BMW está overrated ... aunq si me regalan uno, no me quejo ... lo vendo pa lante y me compro un Toyota)

91. ¿Dulce o salado? -- acido! :-D

92. ¿Chocolate o vainilla? -- vainilla (aunq el chocolate me encanta, pero empalaga más rápido)

93. ¿Tema de conversación más detestado? -- chismología en general, ya sea tanto de farándula como personal

94. ¿Las tormentas te gustan o te asustan? -- me gustan aunq no me gusta ver cuando provocan pérdidas graves o muertes.

95. ¿Relaciones o solo sexo? -- relaciones, siempre y cuando sean buenas ... el sexo sólo también puede ser bueno, pero siempre y cuando se mantenga claro q es sólo eso: sexo.

96. ¿Besos o abrazos? -- un abrazo puede consolar y reconfortar más que un beso, pero eso no quita que un beso pueda ser lo más rico del mundo.

97. Y hablando de sexo..

- ¿Sexo sin amor, has tenido o tendrías? -- he tenido, no me arrepiento

- ¿Persona con quien te gustaría hacerlo? -- ahora mismo no tengo a nadie en mente con quien no lo haya hecho.

-Fantasías? -- un threesome con mi pareja y otra mujer

- ¿Hoteles? What about them? -- Hoteles? muy caro ... hablemos de moteles, q son un resuelve para sexo y mucho más aun para dormir cuando estás lejos de tu casa.

98. ¿Quienes de tus amigos te conocen de más tiempo? -- J.J., que me conoce hace 16 años

100. ¿Quién es el/la más escandaloso? -- hay par por ahí que son "escandalosos", cada uno a su manera.

101. ¿De quién recibiste este e-mail? -- no fue un e-mail, lo saqué de un foro.

102. ¿Quién de tus amigos vive más lejos? -- de mis amigos, creo q todos vivimos relativamente cerca, de mi familia: mi papá que está en Florida

103. ¿Quién piensas que responderá este mail más rápido? -- :-S si pensara mandarlo, no sé

104. ¿Quién piensas que se tardará más en responder? -- idem

105. ¿Nombra a la persona que te gustaría que conteste? -- >.< dijeeeee....

106. ¿Qué es lo mejor que has recibido de alguien? -- de mi familia, apoyo incondicional en las buenas y en las malas, de mi pareja, exactamente lo mismo, a pesar de q hace muy poco nos conocemos.

107. ¿Quién es la ultima persona a la que besaste? -- a mi novio, ayer

109. ¿Cómo te ves en diez años? -- con más canas, estudiando todavía (o a lo mejor ya lo habré logrado todo), viviendo fuera de casa de mi madre (knocks on wood), igual de rebelde, igual de confundida con la vida en ocasiones... pero más conforme con lo que tengo.

110. ¿Qué cambiarías de tú vida? -- absolutamente NADA. Todo se ha dado como un rompecabeza: al principio no encuentras el por qué de una pieza pero eventualmente todo cae en su sitio.

111. ¿Si pudieras ser otra persona quien serías? -- nadie, me gusta ser yo, pero sí me gustaría mejorar ciertas cosas en mí. Si fuera alguien más, me corro el riesgo de encontrarme defectos y demonios internos con los cuales no sabría bregar.

112. ¿Qué te gustaría que te regalaran en tu próximo cumpleaños? -- nada, realmente preferiría pasarla rodeada de mis seres queridos, como en el cumpleaños pasado... ahora, si mi papá pudiera venir...

113. ¿Que es lo que mas te gustaría hacer en tu vida? -- viajar, dedicarme al arte, tener una vida que me satisfaga y haga feliz

114. Despidete: Adiós... (digo, qué esperaba el atorrante este?)

115. ¿Qué hora es? 1:24 PM

Of smoke, hommos and water

2005-04-25T12:41:00.000-04:00

The weekend was varied, to say the least.

Friday

Went out with a very good friend. Had some Chinese food, went to Border's (ran into another friend in the meanwhile) and then took him home. Had a very nice, extended talk that evening. All this while battling the evil hordes of water droplets. It never stops raining. It would be my pleasure to say more about this particular outing, but things not to do with me, but much more to do with him, have proved to be delicate at best. I'd rather not fan the fire, and instead thank him for a great evening.

Saturday

Woke up with a mighty headache. Had to stay in bed most of the day (except to get in the car and take the mail to my grandmother's house, and pick up ours, which wasn't there... oh the fun! ¬_¬)

After waiting for Eze for what seemed like eternity (I was missing him a LOT), he picked me up and we went for a wonderful dinner at El Cairo (Arabic food). Nine months already... ^_^ it's been terrible, and wonderful, and beautiful, and confusing and ... just about everything at once. Still a lotta things to come, and I'm looking forward to all of them.

He tried calling his house a few times, and since he got no answer from anyone, we set our way to Toa Baja to check on his family. Thankfully, they were ok and having a quiet night in.

We then set back to Santurce, stopped at Isla de Cabra (right by the entrance, the place is closed) to see San Juan from another point of view (beautiful, but too crowded), and then it was straight to his apartment. (...) <-- censorship is a bitch, huh? SHUT IT!

Sunday

We woke up at about 10 AM or 11, can't recall. Eze's idea for the day was going to Cubo, where the anniversary is taking place, to help Alfonso do some stuff for the stage and soundproof the place a bit (feedback monster prevention). I asked him to take me home: I wasn't feeling my best to have a day spent at woodwork.

Thing is that on the way, Eze received a phone call from the tech on schedule at the radio station. The girl was in hysterics: the place was getting flooded. We headed there immediately. And no wonder she was hysterical: there was at least an inch of water covering the hallway. I was aghast, couldn't say anything already. When we went into Eze's office, it was even worse ... the water was rushing out of the record room (the place where the station keeps all recordings of the programs transmitted, EVER). We couldn't see what was going in there, we had no key to the room, the lights were off, and scarier still, the door's glass was fogged. All you oculd hear was a rush of water in there, like a shower. Scary.

After a while, when they turned on the lights and could go into the room, we saw that the ceiling had collapsed: the A/C ducts had become engorged with water and had burst ! It was a ghastly sight... and depressing. It was saddenning to see all these people: Eze, his coworkers and supervisors, watch helplessly as water still drizzled over a 25 years' worth of work. My heart goes out to them. I tried helping, but the cold water plus the A/C still on full blast coaxed out what could have become a full-blast cold. Thankfully, Eze took me home soon enough (in the way bought me a carton of orange juice) ... i slept the rest of Sunday and I felt way better.

Eze: Thanx for being there for me, even when I'm not exactly all there for you all the time. Nine months have proved to me that this relationship not only has the solid qualities of a long-time relationship, but still retains the magic of the first few months. Maybe the times we can have just the two of us are few, but they make up for it. I'm looking forward to many many more months, years, AGES! with you ("AGES" ... sound more like a menace, huh?) I LOVE YOU!

w34t|-|3R R3p0R+

2005-04-22T13:30:00.000-04:00

... and then some ...

Day seems to have grown prettier, but it's all temporary. According to the newslady that lives in the TV set downstairs in the lunchroom, it's scheduled to start raining later on tonight. Bummer.

However, I really hope it waits 'til just then, I have my hopes up to go walking in the park. Three consecutive days doing excercise at home is fucking BORING!

Tonight, it's plans with a friend, tomorrow plans with Eze (9 months already ... we're ready to give birth! yay! ... what to? I dunno!)

Poor Eze has been having difficult days at the office, specially with the student protests outside (operations at UPR have been paralized for perhaps 2 weeks? now. My brother hasn't had any classes since then, the semester is foreseen to be finalized by the end of the first week of June, and perhaps summer classes will be suspended).

And also with my irritability factor and small outbursts ... but I think I might be learning to keep them small-scale and under control. Hopefully, no permanent damage has been done.

All this week, I've been reading the Megatokyo webcomic. From the start. Still a long way to go: 7.25.2002 frame right now ... damn this is LONG! But fun! only drawback (or is it a blessing?) is that I've learned how to read 1337 5p34|< (and write some, dammit!)... which qualifies me as a quasi-nerd, hahaha!

My mom has been staying home for the past 3 days... which in part is good, this keeps her in light spirits, and doesn't get much on my nerves anymore.

About the dashboard situation: waiting for the dash piece and the check, all in good time.

Hopefully I will start taking photos again pretty soon. I'm feeling the need for some camera action (behind the lens). yeah.

Well, since I have no more to say for now...

[listening to] "Elements", Lemon Jelly (Lost Horizons, 2002)

Shoot Mana's lead singer in the balls, please!

2005-04-20T13:52:00.000-04:00

... sigue lloviendoooo, sigue lloviendo al corazón...

DIE MUTHAFUCKAH! BOOM!

Eniweis, no, no ha parado de llover, empezó el lunes con un atardecer temprano y un poco de lluvia en la noche, y hoy, miércoles, se ha convertido en el diluvio bíblico que presagia el fin de los tiempos (sí, sí, ver como escogen a Darth Sidious como Papa está un poquito cabrón).

En todo caso el diluvio este me obligó a agarrar la pieza del dashboard que tenía tirada en el asiento de atrás y conectarle los plugs a ver si funcionaba el aire y ... Eureka! Funcionó. Al menos ya no tengo q pasar calores (la razón menos contundente) ni sufrir sustos de choque pq no veo a través de los cristales empañados (razón determinante para provocarme a agarrar la pieza violada de dashboard y colocarla mal colgada del hueco que quedó ahi).

He leído par de comentarios sobre las méritos de no tener aire acondicionado en el carro a favor de mis estudios, etc etc ... sí, les agradezco las opiniones, pero a la hora de la verdad se trata de un carro al que le faltan 3 años por pagar ($323 mensuales), relativamente nuevo, y q me ha costado un tanto de trabajo mantener, cuidar y pagar. Si me quejo no es por no tener aire. Me quejo pq ahora mismo lo q tengo de carro no es lo q yo estoy pagando, y todo pq un jodío tecato se quiso dar un cantaso con los $10 q le deben haber dado por mi radio de fábrica.

Las buenas noticias son que el taller donde me van a arreglar el dashboard aceptó el estimado de la aseguradora. Ahora falta llevarle el papeleo a la aseguradora para que me den el cheque. Ha sido un poco lento el proceso, pero preferible que sea asi, cuestión de no desmadrarme los nervios (bastante tengo con las miradas de reproche de mi madre pq por este mismo incidente no he podido aportar gran cosa a la economía de la casa este mes).

Sigo aun con la sensación de impasividad que mencioné antes. Supongo q según comience a sangrar (perdonen lo gráfico) se me quitará esta anti-pejiguera.

BTW: soy yo o el blog de delunesaviernes ya no está?

Weekend Ahoy

2005-04-14T16:31:00.000-04:00

... or something ... which I'm not particularly looking forward to. As a matter of fact, as of late I haven't been looking forward to much, the excitement and yearning for certain things has kinda dulled out. I don't know if it has anything to do with the car incident. However, I am not complaining: sometimes this lack of passion is a good (but weird) respite from the usual excess of emotion. Being cold every once in a while never killed anyone.

One thing I do want to do is take my camera to CompUSA to get checked. The lens won't open and the display says "Lens Error!" (duh! no shit!). Let's see how fast they are with this shit. Tomorrow I'll find out.

Eze suggested we go tonight to "our park" (yay, pink hawaiian flowers rain on us and a ukulele starts playing the theme for Love Story... ¬_¬). Still, it might be good for my current mood to change a bit the routine and have some quiet time with him. It's something that's not on the offing all that much lately.

I'm guessing this overly calm mood is premonition to another one of my storms. At least I forewarned myself! Hahaha!

Nice lights, bub!

Let's see how things turn out eventually.

Car Innards

2005-04-13T11:09:00.000-04:00

... yeah, that would be the inner cabling and air conditioning system inside the dash console of my car. Most of it which is showing right now.

Last Friday (very late Friday, perhaps ridiculously early Saturday) some drug-addicted bum broke my car window and recklessly tore out my radio. In the process he kinda fucked up my dashboard, the repair of which the cost is ascending to nearly $800 (and I really hope the insurance company will cover this, but I can't be 100% sure).

In the process I lost my Monday work-day to fix the window (a new glass-sheet plus installation: $160 --- slightly cheaper than i expected) ... but the cost of repairing the dashboard is not-so-slightly more expensive than I would have liked. And much more than the initial estimate by the insurance company.

The whole incident took place while my car was parked in front of Eze's apartment building. No wonder, really, since it is placed smack in the middle between an old-tradition, old-money community (Sagrado Corazón) and an old-timer slum (Villa Palmeras). Some time ago Eze had had a similar incident: he had left his car doors open and someone hopped in and tore the radio out too (dashboard intact, though, and he got saved the trouble of cleaning up window glass shards). Weeks later someone (for the life of me, I don't know why!) tore out the passenger side's rearview mirror (why why why?).

It should have showed me, I should have learned enough to be always very aware to remove the radio's faceplate every time I hopped off the car when I parked there. But that night, my mind was elsewhere. Far removed from all that was logical and sane. I arrived in a very bad mood, and it was not improved by the incidents thereafter. Next morning, however, the mood did not improve, it was totally fucking changed by just glimpsing into my car and see little glass shards hanging like leftover pie crusts from the windowsill. I screamed, I cried ... yeah, I had to let it all out, to the expense of looking like a whiner, crybaby, yeah, call me whatever you want. I even went to the extent of wallowing for a few minutes in the self-pitying inner rant of "why me? why do these things keep happenning to me? first the fire and now this?!"

Yeah, thankfully, I got that out of the way. At least now I can keep a bit more of bounce in my spirit, although beeing able to clearly see my car's dashboard guts spilled onto the passenger seat puts a damper on my mood (yesterday, when they handed the car to me after the carnage, just to get a better and clearer estimate, I started crying again, more out of feeling for the car... I dunno if it's normal, but I love my car... emotionally attached to my vehicle, my horse, my steed... yeah... green love. Funnier still: she has no name).

Anyways, I have to personally hand in the body-shop's real estimate to my insurance person and see if they approve of the whole deal. Otherwise, I might as well kiss my educational fund-savings goodbye (for the most part), since 800 is a bit over half the money I had there.

Well, worse things have happenned to me, so ... "smile like you mean it."

BTW: Eze, PLEASE stop feeling guilty over this, alright? I think that if we round up every lousy bum in Santurce (and there will be a lot of them) we might find the culprit because of the look of dejected surprise in his eyes. Who in his right mind goes to all the trouble of yanking a radio out of a well-secured dashboard just to find it is a factory-installed radio, no frills, and that it is worth junk (or just one night's worth of heroine)? An idiot... a junkie... and a very surprised one at that. Miracle enough it is that he didn't come back to trash the rest of the car out of anger!

Gaming Baby

2005-04-06T08:53:00.000-04:00

The past few weeks ("weeks", I think, though it could have been days) I've been telling Eze that I want to start delving into the "gaming world". All of this thanks to my coworkers and their relentless addiction to World of Warcraft.

Well, Eze was excited about me wanting to try, so he's setting me up into a gaming crash course. For this purpose, yesterday he bought for me/invested/gave me ... ummm there's no way to make that sound pretty (I owe you, Eze!) a Gamecube! ^_^

My very first own gaming console! YAY!

To start me off with 3-D spaces (yeah, I gave up on videogames when Nintendo 64 came out to the market, I was confused and dizzy) he also bought me this game:

Animal Crossing

Looks kiddish, girlish, whatever. Okay, it does not look sophisticated. But it seems to be addictive (can't wait for my mem card!). I think I might have found a new hobby! ^_^

Murder!

2005-04-05T09:30:00.000-04:00

This morning I killed a roach. What struck me as startling was that, as I drew my hand nearer (actually I plunged it down on it --- protected by a paper towel of course, no one wants roach entrails on his or her bare skin... I think :-/ )the roach noticed. Of course, it noticed at the last second, and that was a bit too late. But I started thinking that this thing, this animal, must have been scared of whatever was coming to it. Why else would it flee? (Of course, fear is an instinct, so you cannot deny that to any living creature who relies basically -or solely- on instinct.

Had it been a rat, mouse, anything bigger and furry, I would have felt heartbroken (yes, happenned to me once, I ran over a rat with my car, and I got a widdly gurgle in my pit, not good, I started praying to the Rat God for mercy). But in this case, no remorse reared its ugly head, but I did feel sort of uneasy. What was life like for roaches before mankind? Did they have to hide whenever light hit them? Do they naturally like the dark? Whatever proof offered now is biased by the fact that we are studying roach behavior in the present (trying to place a bet on how they behaved on the past is a wild card, just like trying to say what a dinosaur sounded like). Maybe, where they live right now, inside hollow walls, plumbing systems and under creaky, moist floorboards and rotten leaf piles, they're planning the demise of humanity. Maybe they're biding their time until we finally kill ourselves off (it is happenning). But I'm guessing they mustn't be very happy about having to change living conditions out of an exacerbated fear coming from chemical-obsessed humans.

I, for one, really have a phobia of the things. But I have to consider possibilities: one day I may have to face the Roach God (is there such a thing) and be held accountable for all the murders I have comitted.

When that day comes, I hope I will have an extra-big can of Black Jack!

Bisi

2005-04-04T16:21:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was a busy one. Vamo' por partes:

Friday Night

That evening, before going out, the house was already crowded. We had Viviana staying over that night, and we were all in at that point of time and space, plus I think in a good mood, so it was ok. I bathed Luna --- funny thing is that nonetheless last night i dreamt of ticks, a thing I haven't seen, thankfully, in almost a year. YUCK!

Later on, we all crammed into Eze's car to go out. The girls (Vivi n' Chichi) decided they wanted to be dropped off at Nuestro Ambiente (lesbian-ogling, I guess)and Eze, my brother and I went to Cubo, to see Balún, Quarter Turn, Jorge Castro (and someone else) and Introdujos. The place is actually an empty space, walls colored in graffitti ... well, the whole place has been overtaken by graffitti, purposefully, I guess, and it works! The space is divided in one big space (main space), a secondary space (where the doorless bathroom is) and a backyard where you have to go to get a smoke (the place is ridden with No Smoking signs :-( ).
This is the place where Frecuencias Alternas will be holding their 5th anniversary celebration. I think it will pull off very well. Just wish there were more I could do to help. But I think they've got the bases pretty covered.
That evening, though (last Friday) the show held together quite well, what didn't work for it was the deluge of artsy snobs that were there for the social scene and standing, taking non-stop, making the din drown out the gorgeous music Balún was playing. This pissed me off a bit (and quite a bit more when José had to ask everyone to shut up and the din grew higher in volume as he started to talk... the fucking nerve!).
That night I stayed over at Eze's apartment.

Saturday

Woke up later than I should have, set myself out towards Bayamón. Had a lonesome lunch at Faccio's Pizza (had been quite a while since I had a meal by myself out in public, other than in junk food places). Wasn't all that bad, and would've been better if there hadn't been a whole other plan in store other than to rest that meal a while longer. Had to immediately go pay lunch and head for Sam's. My mother's never-ending quest for ass-breaking prices. Every stinking Saturday! Or Sunday... Well, finally got to meet Bayamon's store, which wasn't bad at all (except for the parking, which I guess, due to limited space, was very scarce, and had to park a bit far, but hey, I could have cared less if it hadn't been that muggy --- as a matter of fact: it was muggy all freaking weekend! temps thrown out of whack thanx to the Pope!
After Sam's I went to Felo's house. There's this project we have, decorating his room --- well, his house actually. But his room first and foremost. This is something I am partly terrified of, but I guess it's good practice for me, in case I do decide to embark upon more serious courses towards being an interior designer. Painted the ceiling and part of his walls (ran out of blue-sy paint). Day after woke up with a mighty neck strain. ^_^ Gajes del oficio!
Went home, had a bit of a shuteye, but very brief. I dunno what I spent the rest of the evening on, but at 8PM I got in the car again and went to Radio Universidad, help Eze out with the usual: summary and photos. There were a few of those I took which I liked a bit. Gotta get more practice though. Popu mentioned the energy over there as very positive. I felt likewise. Although stressful for Eze, it all flowed smoothly, and we had a nice dinner at Levi's to top it off. Went with Eze to his parents'... very late, had a heart-arresting fright on the way... (**reminder to self: never let Eze drive ever again under the influence of much tiredness**)

Sunday

Went with Eze and his family to Isabela. Met his father's uncle. A very charming old man, a widow, who apparently hasn't really gotten over his deceased wife. But a very talkative man, indeed. :-) As a matter of fact, the whole town of Isabela, the part where Eze's father (and Eze at one time) were brought up, is wonderfully quaint. Colorful ... wish it hadn't rained that much.
Eze took me trekking into the woods (almost untouched by man, beautiful to the point of frightening me, unfortunately the piece of land is gonna be marred by an expressway sometime in the mid-future). Anyways: thanx, Eze, for one of the best tours yet of one of the towns I like most in this island.
After a nice drive through in Isabela, we headed out, and stopped for dinner on the way. Had mofongo relleno con camarones. A classic to ask for if there is any available.
When we got back to Toa Baja we were so tired that we stretched out on Eze's bed and fell asleep 'til almost 11PM. Got home at 12.

Right now? Tired... very tired. Wanna sleep. But it was worth it, every single second of the weekend! ^_^

There's Only Me

2005-03-31T22:57:00.000-04:00

Listening to: "There's Only Me", Rob Dougan

You're all I want.
You're all I need.
You're all I've got.
All I see.
It won't be long.
'Till sudenly
you'll find he's gone.

And you'll turn around and see.
There's only me,
from whom there's silence in your heart.
There's only me,
waiting patient to the last.

You wait and see.
One day your love will surely start.
You'll turn around,
you'll find when everyone departs.
There's only me.

You walk in the room.
You take you scat.
You don't turn around.
You don't see me.
I'll make hime go.
You'll find one day he'll disappear.
You'll turn around.
And find that not a soul is here.
There's only me.

The irony of this does not escape me. This harbringer of looming heartbreak... while he's out there, on the road of black rainclouds.

Días como hoy...

2005-03-31T11:28:00.000-04:00

* Me doy cuenta que cada día son menos los que me entienden - o menos son los que yo creo que me entienden. Gente con la que alguna vez tuve un "sobreentendido" (como un entenderse sin palabras, ese click especial entre amigos) de pronto me encuentro con que distan mucho de poder ver lo que sucede detrás de esta fachada.

---> Seguramente NINGUNO de los que lee esto es una de esas personas.

Sin embargo, los que sí se van quedando ^_^ son los que yo sé que pueden compartir un pensamiento conmigo, una filosofía de vida. Son los que saben lo que está pasando. Gracias por estar ahi!

* Me siento un poco perdida en el espacio. Supongo que es normal cdo no hay mucho que hacer.

* [Días como hoy] es mejor ir a mi otro blog. Es mucho más interesante. ¬_¬

unos cuantos puntos ....

2005-03-30T11:40:00.000-04:00

. El tapón de esta mañana, absurdo absurdo absurdo. Por culpa de él ponché un minuto tarde (creo q aquí redondean a cuarto de hora, si es así, bye bye $2.50). Aun así, mi iPod me jugó las cartas bien, y a pesar de los calambres menstruales (disculpen el exceso de info), pasé medio tapón escuchando Tom Waits (se lo dije a Eze el otro día: "I finally got him, too bad I had to get him while I am high.").

.. Estuve comentándole ayer a Eze que si mal no capto, suelo escribir en este blog sólo cuando algo me está rompiendo la madre en la cabeza, cuando algo me jode de más, cuando estoy triste o en crisis. Los momentos en que me estoy sintiendo bien no los registro aquí (no sé a cuánta gente le ocurre, pero desde la adolescencia la crisis me ha resultado muy buena musa). Lo curioso de todo este asunto es que quien me lea va a pensar que ando en una depresión constante, en una crisis sin fin ... y no, es 50-50, no se equivoquen. De todos modos, me estoy sintiendo mejor, no sé qué fue lo q hizo click en mi cabeza. Tan pronto reciba mi plan médico (si todo va a mi favor: 21 de mayo) montaré una búsqueda de psicólogos, a ver si alguien me puede ayudar a descifrar qué es lo q me pasa realmente. Gracias a Code por su consejo (nuevamente). Hay cositas q aunque a una no le gustan cuando se las dicen, tienen sabor a verdad, un trago amargo de esto de vez en cuando es lo q despierta a uno de el estupor de la auto-pena (papi estaría muy de acuerdo).

... Hoy me dejaron sola y tranquila en el trabajo, trabajé un poco más de lo usual (si, en tiempo pasado, que es cómico pq no es ni mediodía, y lo q trabajé de seguro fue como 3 horas y media). Pero es un buen cambio, desde la semana pasada tenía a "los muchachos" (asi le llamo a los técnicos, q cosa tan afectiva! :-P ) aca en mi área todo el tiempo, y ya llega el tiempo en que YA BASTAAA! vayanse a trabajar! a veces tener al lado alguien que te está hablando y montando conversación sin tu buscarla, enferma un poco. Más si son por 6 días casi consecutivos.

.... Pronto es la graduación de high school de mi hermana. Esto incluye un baile de graduación. Un baile para el cual no tengo nada q ponerme. Definitivamente no quiero ponerme falda. He visto par de sets de pantalón la cosa mas chula, pero gastarse $50 para algo q rara vez vas a usar? :-S ugh! esto me recuerda la razón por la que odié tanto mi propio prom.

..... Ayer me fui en un viaje de "recuerdos". Saqué mi maletita de CDs y me puse a rebuscar entre los de multimedia - en específico múltiples backups a través de los meses/años de trabajo aquí, antes de mi hiato y consecuente cambio de laptop a desktop PC. Encontré de todo, y creo q pronto me pondré a "remasterizar" (jaja! si, seguro) las fotos para subirlas a cualquiera de las paginas disponibles.

...... Dos links q valen la pena: Apple Geeks y Return to Sender

2005-03-27T21:58:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here with very little that I can actually say, but many emotions broiling inside.

Sometimes you wish for things that you can't actually sustain, not in a practical, realistic matter. However you dream of it, wish for it... want it so bad that you start feeling it won't happen. You get so used to things getting botched or fucked up halfways, that you figure it will happen so in your life always.

Growing up does things to you, it also changes your dreams and your aspirations. Very few things stay the same as the dreams you had when you were a child. At least I know that in my dreams and lifelong goals for my life, the core value of what I want is the same: I want to be happy, lead a happy life. What I see as happinness has changed through the course of time, and many of the decisions I have taken, the big ones, have been in pursue of what I believe to be my happinness.

Somewhere along the line I read or heard one of those chain letters that tend to take up precious bytes in your inbox, it said something along the line of being happy now, instead of when we actually acquire whatever it is we believe could make us happy. It was a good advice, surprisingly, and would be the key to many a miserable existence. However, it is more difficult to follow than it seems at first.

Maybe because of our human condition, maybe because we're greedy little monkeys, but thing is: we are never happy enough with what we have. We are always looking for new ways to make our life better, to be more content with our existence. I guess this is how science and technology came to be. It's all good until it touches your private life.

I have hurt the one I love. Somehow I made him feel that he wasn't good enough, and how far from the truth!

Tonight, however, I have yet to find the right words to soothe the wound. I am at loss for words, even if the emotions broil away, scalding the edges of my throat.

I have been so besotted with the whole notion that he and I are alike in so many ways, that we get along fabulously, that I haven't felt as happy and comfortable with someone else ... that something got lost in the way. Maybe I forgot to ground myself in reality and keep it in mind that we are not one and the same, that when such relationships happen, inevitably someone will get hurt at some point. Such is real life, such is love. And such are human relations: you should never trust another more than you trust yourself. No one can carry you better than your own two feet.

I think that right about now I should be dropping the pink shades and pour the watery piña colada down the drain. Reality may have a bite to it, but it is ultimately what we all should be partaking on.

Honeymoon's over, Diana. Time to wake up!

See-Saw

2005-03-25T19:44:00.000-04:00

Watched Saw.

It's been the sickest movie I ever saw (pun intended, sorry)

My sister kept asking me over and over what I thought about it.

Still cannot answer, I just think it is very very sick. I think gore has started to turn me off, and the movie was predictable at the points where it was supposed to be scary. Unlike The Ring (both movies) which holds a certain artistic appeal to me ...

However, that one scene with the drug addict who's got her jaw hooked to the most twisted contraption I ever saw ... if the movie had been like that, a bit more like

The Cell...

maybe ... (hey! I do not think J Lo is a great actress or artist. I don't think she's even GOOD to start with, but the movie's visuals are lovely).

Also saw (in Saw) a tribute (?) to Dario Argento (Suspiria , in which there's a scene of a girl falling into a pit filled with barbed wire)...

This is a scene that stays with you forever.

If it wasn't a tribute, then James Wan should do a little research on the genre he's delving into.

Well ... I'm out! See you next time, in Diana's Horror Flickshow of Inconsistent Taste in Movies.

There's still hope

2005-03-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

These past few days I have been going through some "learning" experiences, mostly due to the emotional rollercoaster in me. The days have been of self-constraint and takin it easier than I normally would. Just turned my brain to Lo-Res. Let's play in Win 3.11 Mode.

Got an offer I cannot refuse: I lose? $20 .. I win? A nice wad of weed. Plus I get a free preview of things to come, which is not half bad. Actually, it's very very very good and promising, and makes the weekend seem brighter, more fun, yay!

This is the part where the movie gets all flowery and grooovay!

Anyways, this week I only work 'til Wednesday. I have Thur and Fri off (Christian boogaloo weekend, Spring Break and Fertility Festivities all rolled into one ... expect the Rabbit Inquisition soon).

Mom wants to go to Palmas on one of those 4 free days we get this weekend (thanks to Eostre).

Still, the plans are on hold since it could all interfere with our hostess's plans. So we'll see if I get a little sun or no sun at all this weekend (I'd rather stay in the shade).

Other than that, another thing showing profile possibilities this weekend is a meet with J. Possible exchange of Apple software (I might be getting Halo ... which probably means I might learn how to play something) ... and suddenly I crave coffee.

Auto

2005-03-19T21:10:00.000-04:00

A lo mejor esta no era la idea. Pensar no es lo mismo q escribir, pero al menos a mi me ayuda. Que me pasa, q cada tanto tiempo peleo por nada, me hago un manojo de nervios, los temores afloran y me echo a llorar con una facilidad pasmante? La condicion de "mujer victoriana" se me sale por los poros cada quince dias y yo misma, si hago un parentesis y me miro desde afuera, me doy pena. Y como todos sabemos o debemos saber, la pena es "prima hermana de jodete" .

Por que me dan estos arrebatos de emocion colerica/melancolica? Le echo la culpa a los miedos, con mucha mas presteza a las hormonas, a veces a los demas (aunq casi siempre regreso a echarme la culpa yo misma, y termino sintiendome que me deberia morir y me doy pena otra vez, y asi por el estilo). La mente mia corre con una facilidad increible, no se a que edad cogi la costumbre de esperar lo peor. A lo mejor fue cuando lo peor estaba sucediendo. En todo caso, un pasado inconveniente no deberia ser excusa para crearme calamidades imaginarias cada dos por tres en el presente.

El problema es que aun no he creado un mecanismo de escape, negacion, solucion y/o distraccion para estos ataques de imaginacion hiperactiva. Algunas veces he logrado vencerla con distracciones, una suerte de desenfoque de lo que me esta sucediendo, para luego regresar a la situacion refrescada y con un punto de vista un poco mas logico. No siempre se dan estas distracciones, cuando se dan es sin querer, no se como procurarmelas.

Entiendo, sin embargo, que la solucion no esta en las distracciones, que seguramente llegue a ella el dia que mi mente deje de jugarme las trastadas que me juega cuando las circunstancias se unen con ese "yo no se que". O el dia que llegue a entender exactamente por que me pasa eso. No se cual de las dos esta mas dificil, se me ocurre que entenderlo es mas asequible.

Pero no se relacionarlo con nada. Una imaginacion hiperactiva, hasta el momento, no se ha determinado como una enfermedad o condicion. De chiquita solia ser una cualidad positiva, se prestaba para el aprendizaje rapido y creativo. De adulta me causa mas problemas que otra cosa, especialmente porque ya no se por donde canalizarla, por donde darle salida a las imagenes que me cruzan la mente. Ademas, la imaginacion me llego al punto de dejar de ser fantasiosa, para empezar a estar templada por las experiencias anteriores, los golpes de la realidad de un adulto ser humano. Por eso a veces anhelo (no extra~o, ANHELO) regresar a mi ni~ez. Las complicaciones eran mucho menores. los miedos eran pocos, y siempre habia alguien que, no importa que tan insignificante el temor o la preocupacion, estaba dispuesto a sentarte en su falda, acurrucarte, limpiarte las lagrimas y decirte que todo iba a estar bien. Esos son lujos que nadie se gasta ahora, ni pedirlos (porque sabes que nadie lo va a hacer por ti, y te van a ver como una loca ridicula) ni hacerlo (porque el orgullo de adulto, el enjuiciamento instantaneo de lo ajeno, las preconcepciones de lo q debe ser un adulto son cosas que se nos indoctrinan en la pubertad y quedan grabadas en nuestro subconsciente).

Ya en algun momento bastante reciente llegue a la conclusion de que tengo serios problemas en adaptarne a la adultez. Tanto en el aspecto de las responsabilidades, como en el manejo de las relaciones afectuosas. Aun me queda un dejo rebelde de mis actitudes adolescentes y tambien un poco de las expectativas romanticas de la vida. No se, honestamente, como eliminar eso. No se inclusive si deba de hacerlo meramente porque se hace incompatible con los epitomes de la madurez en la mente de quienes me rodean.

Fuera de ese fallo de adaptacion de mi parte, no se que es lo que rige mis exabruptos hiper-emocionales. Hormonas? Podria ser, pero ya esto es algo que se sobra, se que sufro de Sindrome Pre-Menstrual hasta cierto punto, mas en el sentido fisico que en el emocional. Por eso se me hace raro ya pensar q las hormonas son las causantes de esto.

Mirandome mas de cerca, no se me ocurre pensar en algun factor de mi vida presente que me haga realmente infeliz. Tengo una familia bastante afectiva y unida (con sus dos o tres desaveniencias que esperarse, eso pasa con los divorcios). Tengo un novio inmejorable (a punta de haber estado "buscando" y tratando con mas de una docena durante poco mas de diez a~os). Tengo un trabajo que, aunq no me apasiona, tampoco me molesta e inclusive hay dias que me siento feliz alli. Tengo planes de recomenzar mis estudios para poder hacer, aunq sea a tiempo parcial, lo que SI me apasiona. Osea, no es una vida perfecta, pero no hay nada de que quejarse tampoco.

Sera a lo mejor que ya estaba tan acostumbrada a que algo andara cagado en mi vida, q ahora encontrandolo todo "arreglado" me sienta en necesidad de da~ar algo? Sera de esos miedos aterradores de que sea todo demasiado bueno para ser verdad y este tratando de forzar un "despertar de este sue~o"? Sera q no me atrevo a aceptarlo todo como es y ser realmente feliz a tiempo completo, sin necesidad de dramas ni crisis mayores? Esta ultima opcion me suena un poco a realidad. A lo mejor me malacostumbre por a~os a que el drama es significativo de que estoy viviendo la vida de modo consecuente. A veces, en tiempos tranquilos, me miro y me da la ansiedad de querer hacer algo distinto, me da miedo a caer en la rutina, en un "comfort zone" que me convierta en una conformista. Es algo subconsciente casi, un relampago de duda que luego se desvanece sin dejar rastro ... o si deja rastro y esto es lo q es?

En cuyo caso estoy del carajo, porque no me conformo con ser feliz, tengo q ser feliz y excitante?

Y en cuyo caso tendria que disculparme con los que me rodean, porque a la larga o a la corta, ellos (mi familia, mi novio) son mi pilar de fortaleza. Y por mas jodido que todo lo anterior suene, una cosa tengo muy clara, y es que no deseo perderlos, ni por un segundo se me ocurre eso.

De algun modo tengo que acoplarme y acostumbrarme de que una vida accidentada no necesariamente te hace feliz, y que una vida con sus peque~as rutinas, sus "comfort zones" esporadicos. no necesariamente te hace un conformista.

Tengo que dejar de pensar en los miedos, dejar de recurrir a ellos como algun modo de autotormento para sentirme mas cautelosa, mas preparada. Tengo q dejar de ver las cosas como un preparativo para lo peor. "Lo peor", o lo q muchos definen como tal, me ha pasado ya en par de ocasiones, pero continuo viva y clinicamente aun en mi salud mental. Preocuparme por "lo peor" nuevamente no va a evitar que suceda. Tan solo me va a amargar "lo mejor". El presente.

nymph

2005-03-16T23:44:00.000-04:00

... this constant state of ... awareness... worries me....

I just received my final paycheck from Evertec. Over a thousand dollars, something which, trying to calculate back and forth, doesn't make much sense to me. Not even if the next X-mas bonus cme included. However, I am not one to throw away a blessing, so this little fat piggy is going to bed ... a nice comfy bed in a bank, of course. Eze suggested that I put that check into a separate account and start growing an educational fund for myself. Not half-bad idea. That and the tax return I'm getting **gleeful smile over here**.

Maybe I'll be able to go through my studies with little economic discomfort. Let's pray for that. Ah-menn!

2005-03-15T11:08:00.000-04:00

It has been maybe two or three weeks ... I don't know for certain how much time has passed, but it has been long enough since I last had some decent "quality" time alone with Eze. It hasn't been his fault, really: work is always there in the foreground, specially these last few weeks (anniversary celeb coordinations and such) and almost a whole week of being sick hasn't helped much. Plus my own birthday, which was a time of gathering, but left little time for us to spend alone.

I miss him, and he keeps asking me why do I miss him, since we spend about 3 or 4 nights a week together. But, at least to me, sleeping with someone doesn't necessarily qualify as "time together". And these past few times, be it my fault, his or no one's, the only time we spend together alone is in bed or in the car en route to someone's house or to meet someone. All that is fine, such is real life, but ... I can't help feeling something is amiss.

Lately, we have grown a bit less tolerant of each other, we fight with more ease, and I can't figure out for the life of me if it is due to too much time together, or too little. Doesn't mean I love him less, on the contrary, I grow more and more attached to him (even if he says he isn't ready for a full committment ... I can wait...)

It scares me to think that he might grow weary of me, even if he says he won't (romance always makes a promise that real love will break). I know I can get to be overbearing, but I cannot help it. I like being close to him, to see him smile, and more than that, to see him smile at me. These last few days, problems have clouded that smile over ... which I can understand but still pierces my heart to see.

I have asked him many times to set a weekend aside so we can get away. It's always something To Do but it is never done. The urgent things always come first. And it will always be such, 'cuz this is REAL LIFE, and as such, urgent things will ALWAYS come first. Problem is: I am ready to burst. I have to get out of my house for a longer time than just a fortnight, have to get out of San Juan ... have to drive out onto the road (a road that was my friend on countless occasions, a relaxer, a therapy) ... I think I might have to take that trip alone. One thing I did not realize when I fell in love with Eze is that I fell in love with someone who's got an unbudging passion for what he does. I love that about him. His Saturdays are totally committed to his radio program (except on one occasion, something that I am almost sure he regrets). I totally respect that and admire it. Might as well just live with that, pack my things, and set out for the sunset alone. At least for a weekend. At least for a while. Maybe some seabreeze will open up my mind and clear the cobwebs.

Maybe I can come back a refreshed person, someone who will stand by strong and undemanding. I think that first I have to tend to myself.

A bit of foresight

2005-03-11T11:34:00.000-04:00

Spring is almost full blown here, and there have been some changes in my life, and a few others are afoot. I feel a stable period in my life settling down, however it doesn't stop being exciting.

1) A few weeks ago I returned to my old job. It has been almost surreal but at the same time a natural move. It almost seems as if I had never been away. I feel much calmer, my constant depression is not so constant anymore... I am even getting my self-confident-groove back ;-) Maybe the changes are not so noticeable to those who see me on a weekly or monthly basis, but those who surround me in my day-to-day life know that the bouts of depression and constant rage fits are pretty much gone.

2) My sister is graduating from high school on may. Now this is one of the big reasons I didn't want to leave the island. To be able to see my baby sister bloom into the world of college. To see her shed her high-schooler skin (I bet it will be a rather slow process). I am very glad I will be there.

3) Summer is almost here, and with it, the dead days at work. Slacking off will be a major activity. And I like that (I am a total work-bum, I know).

4) Soon I will be able to gather money enough to take at least one photography course ... maybe even pursue the whole degree in Escuela de Artes Plásticas. Plus Felo (a friend of ours) just asked me to decorate his room (for starters) which will give me a fine letout for the artistic antsies in me.

Small antsies to fill your day

2005-03-07T15:51:00.000-04:00

Eze is sick: bronchitis to be exact. Which worries me a little and I kinda feel responsible for that. All that smoking near to him could not have done anything but help this condition along. :-( And this week in particular was not the best for him to get sick (work obligations and such), which makes the matter more disheartening.

I already miss him, and it hasn't been even 24 hours since I last saw him. :-(

Eze, here's to hoping you feel better very soon...

Nothing to complain about

2005-03-07T11:25:00.000-04:00

I have to count my stars, regarding my family and friends. There have been times in my life in which I've felt very alone, or compelled to be something different than what I already was, do things differently than I would do by myself, to please those around me.

Yesterday proved that I finally found a real home in the hearth of my friends'and loved ones'hearts.

Between my mom, my sister and my boyfriend, they planned a lunch/dinner/brunch? to be remembered. I'd say that the only persons missing for real were my father and his wife. It would have been sheer perfection then. Some people missed this bash, and to them I give my thanx. Those of you who were meant to go or wanted to go but couldn't, thanx too. I know I'm surrounded by love, be it near or far.

I can't really say much about yesterday, nothing would make justice to my astonishment at the whole bunch of people that attended and were there for me. It just boggles my mind that much.

Pepe and Mari also had a little surprise waiting for me at Borders in Escorial. Thanx to you 2 too (and to Leo and Velmi for being there!).

I have nothing to complain, really. I have a job that I enjoy (or at least it gives me TONS of time to do thing I enjoy), incredibly great friends, a wondeful family and an exceptionally loving boyfriend (I love you, Eze) ... who by the way, was there in high spirits and a big smile in spite of feeling like shit. Totally invaluable, what you did for me, Eze. THANK YOU!

Kisses for all, I will do my best to return the expressions of affection to each and every one when the time comes! :-D

Counting down

2005-03-03T14:53:00.000-04:00

... to 27. Suddenly mistery surrounds me, everyone's slithering around, planning and keeping secrets, giving me half truths. Mind you, I'm not complaining. It's actually very funny. But it still amazes me that they go to such pains to give me, in the end, a good time. Just 'cuz I turn 27.

Old, down-the-hill 27. It's funny how different the real "27" seems from the "27" I imagined 10 years ago. I feel younger and less committed to society's norm than I thought I would be.

I do not have the proverbial suburbia house with the office-mongering husband, the 2.5 kids and the Labrador dog in the backyard and calico cat in the house. I do not have a job to which I go every day clad in a gray suit and silver earrings, gelled hairstyle and an attitude to boot. I have not given up the music I listened to 10 years ago, and most of the dreamy love for life is still very much there, stronger still.

I do not feel older than 17, even if the gray hairs are peeking through the black dye and the extra pounds have installed themselves comfortably around my waist and hips. I still feel I have a lot ahead of me. I am not yet "made", and don't plan to be for a long while. My goals for life are not yet definite, my choices in life not yet definitive. I still want to have fun, I'm not yet done with that.

I still feel, deep down, in my heart, that I would love to go back to 21 years ago in my life.

Still a kid at heart.

Saying Goodbye

2005-03-01T09:11:00.000-04:00

I remember getting on that plane with my father. After saying goodbye to mom and my brother and sister, my heart ached and tears poured out of me with utter ease. I knew I would be visiting family, that I wouldn't be lonely, that pleasant times were ahead. But I couldn't help crying. Every time I get on a plane I can't help but look back a little.

My father turned to me and explained this phenomenon to me in one sentence: "Decir adiós siempre es morir un poquito."

He must know ... and so do I.

It hurts a lot more when a sunset follows you around the globe.

I should just shoot myself in the foot

2005-02-25T11:06:00.000-04:00

For all it's worth, I apologize to those I have flown off to in the past few days. I still feel like stinking shit, and there's no excuse for having these mood swings in such exaggerated proportions. My formal apologies to de lunes a viernes (sorry man, I really though you were making fun of me).

I have to apologize profusely to Eze too, and I don't even know where to begin. I flew off the handle all too easy, and unfortunately I cannot promise it won't happen again, 'cuz until I learn to control the way hormones affect my emotions, it will keep hapenning :(

I am afraid now to lose him because of these bouts of rage and depression. Very afraid ... afraid that the relationship will grow frail and brittle because of me and my stupid impulses.

I am really sorry Eze. There are no words to apologize for this. No words. And I know that telling you how important you are in my life will do very little to mend whaever it is I feel I broke. Besides, you already know it.

I feel small and insignificant right now ...

Ezequitis

2005-02-23T14:45:00.000-04:00

... I miss my boyfriend even if we just parted this morning ... must be the PMS shite going on again but manifesting itself in a crave for affection rather than an accute depression.

I started three days ago in my new/old job (D&A), and I'm feeling pretty rad in here, right now. I do meaningful work and yet have still time to slack off, plus I'm surrounded by people akin to my interests (or at worst, still within the fringes of my tolerance).

Yesterday Eze took me and Alfonso to eat at Tierra Santa. YUMMY food! We had a blast (too much of a blast, apparently, according to the bill). But what I ate was heavenly! plus I missed hummus too.

Well ... no angst to report about, so we are good to go! ALIAS tonite! :-D

ULTIMAS PALABRAS

2005-02-19T08:28:00.000-04:00

Well. it is finished and done with. Tonight, the radiocumentary airs at 9AM @ WRTU 89.7FM. A work of art, definitely. But I had never been there for the making of such pieces... for this one I was, and all I can say is:

I am very proud of you, Eze. Words cannot confer the admiration I feel for you when I catch a glimpse of what you can do, of your dreams and aspirations, your vision and your goals. Makes me wanna stay for the long haul and help you, back you up in whatever ventures you have planned for your life.

This program is gonna totally fucking ROCK! Tune in tonite! ;-)

LUNA!

2005-02-16T21:47:00.000-04:00

Like a little bat out of the dark, she shot through my heart the moment I saw her in the refuge. Immediately I fell in love with her soft ways and almost painful shyness. So I adopted her, and she is finally home today. Nine months old, weighing a bit less than a sackful of feathers, striping the house in black and white, she is:

LUNA!

... and then today

2005-02-14T11:19:00.000-04:00

I handed in my resignation. A few hours ago.

Sorry, folks, but

Ease up on the level, try again. This time you just overworked the metroid pixels... the console just fused out and burned. It has been picked up and handed to the next player. Thanks for trying.

NEXT!

And then finally...

2005-02-11T11:28:00.000-04:00

... they called me. :-D

My Vengeance

2005-02-10T20:55:00.000-04:00

Now There's That Fear Again
by Mum

Give a stale piece of my braids
Float down strangers

Flow and stay
Hang on to the skin and stay

Float with a noise without rhymes
Float down stream
Hang on to my eye to my eye

It seems

2005-02-07T22:09:00.000-04:00

... that things may be going the way I hoped ... we'll just have to wait and see. More on that later ...

Dietsome

2005-01-31T13:20:00.000-04:00

Today Up to Date:

Breakfast:

1 fried egg (vegetable oil)
1 slice of white bread (toasted, with butter)
2 slices of bacon (microwaved)

Lunch:

7 chicken nugget pieces
1 Caesar Salad (with croutons and dressing)

Obsessive? Maybe... but millions do this too and no one gets killed because of it, I guess. Feeling a bit under the weather but thankfully the workplace hasn't made it worse.

Plans for the afternoon and evening are:

Shop for a pair of tennis shoes
Log onto the net and send those two resumes I marked for revision
Watch Godfather 3 (because Shame On Me I haven't yet)

BTW: watched Shaun of the Dead last night at Pepe's ... had a good time, but the under-the-weather attack came right in the middle of it all ... maybe some people noticed me a bit quieter, well, if you read this, worry not. I am fine, I will be fine.

And to that little person who can't muster up the energy to return a fucking smile: FUCK YOU! (just because you're pretty doesn't mean you can be uncivil, you sour bitch!)

ON AMBITION

2005-01-26T09:14:00.000-04:00

ON AMBITION

Since I was a little girl, I refused to join into the rat race. Kids were scrambling all over each other to be the most intelligent, the most athletic, the prettiest, the fastes, the richest, the coolest, the most popular kid. I was always content to live a happy life with my parents, to indulge in my own nonsensical fantasies. I was happy to revel on the surroundings that fed those fantasies and gave scenery to my perennial world of make believe. I was a self-sustaining child, feeding off faerie dust.

As I grew up, my outwardly colorful personality (the princess, the ballerina, Alice in Wonderland and dark-wicked-with-wife-to-Darth-Vader all rolled into one) rolled inward, ensconced in itself and simple began the cocoon process.

Then I just wanted to become beautiful (never the most beautiful, just beautiful enough to be loved). Music came into my journey, a silky thread of plucked harpstrings and liquid voices, coiling around the pulpy, pale center that was my unfinished soul.
I really don't know when the cocoon burst open, maybe it silently ripped into the night, and contrary to my initial wishes, not the butterfly seeped out, but the moth... into the darkness, I am sure. That's what swirls and laces my wings with sorrow.

Even throughout those times when I stashed away all trascendental feelings and thoughts, I was never ambitious enough to join into the rat race wholeheartedly. I watched as my friends stomped their feet and declared with a firm voice what they wanted to be, hollered into the vast city air that they were important too. I was content enough to revel into the simple pleasures of sex, drinks and trivial good times. I might have made a good call girl then.

Today I have little by little become horrified with what ambition does to some, but I have the distinct feeling that I have surfed all this time right by the shore. Career-wise I am at best undecided, at worst... a weakling. But sentimentally... I believe that to be my core: my feelings, watery emotions that bathe the rest of me. That part has been becoming my strongest asset and my weak spot altogether for the longest time.

No ambition... but love to give by the loadful.

Singing Tangos at 2 AM.

2005-01-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

Surrealism defeats itself in purpose. While it is not the norm, it is however part of our lives, part of reality. Can't be surreal if it's already happenning.

Singing tangos at 2AM while having insomnia is not surreal. It is certainly weird. And it proved to be way more romantic than your proverbial dinner at Chez Francois Restaurant de le Merde.

It is not possible to ennumerate the number of silly things Eze and I did night before last, or even to account for how silly those silly things were. I can only assure that we had fun... that I had fun enough to be reminded of why I want to spend the rest of my life with the big, cute, adorable lug that is my boyfriend. I felt again the way I had on our first date, even before we had gotten together, a night I was surprised to find out how compatible I was to someone I had until recently considered as "just a friend".

Nights like that one and the one before last are the ones that feed the love and not the lust. Nights that lose us sleep without us noticing, and we don't regret it, even if the day after we're dragging our asses to work at 7AM. Priceless nights, more priceless than that piece of shitty rock from Zales, more priceless than the priceless vacations Mastercard wants you to have. These nights are the ones that compose happinness, make the world go round and make it worth the discomfort in-between.

These are the nights of our lives ...

Collaborating

2005-01-16T02:10:00.000-04:00

Although it wasn't much, if you consider the content-oriented meaning of it, I do feel like I did something to some extent meaningful and helpful in a place other than work.

Today I helped Eze with tonight's program recap for the website and also with some photos I took of him and his guests. Even if what I did changed in very little what is offered over the radio waves to the thousands of listeners out there, I felt more involved (and in a sense more alive) into something I do care about, than I have in a long while. I'd say it's almost comparable to the sensation I used to get when I was taking interior design courses. I felt useful and purposeful in a way that was actually meaningful to me.

Finally I feel this way again, maybe I have just found a way to exorcize the anxiety over not being "part of it". Yeah ... finally feeling a bit stronger and more in focus, not losing sight of who I really am and what I'm really about. Thanx, Eze!

Dreaming of Morning Sickness

2005-01-13T15:17:00.000-04:00

The other day I dreamt I was pregnant. In essence, the notion scares the shit out of me, but the dream itself left a residue, a funny feeling that had long been forgotten in a buried recess of my heart.

Suddenly I remember the warm and fuzzy feeling that invaded me a bit over 5 years ago when I learned I was pregnant. A feeling of internal peace mixed with anxiety over what would my fate be as a single mother... I still remember what it felt like to NEVER feel alone, no matter where I went, a silent small presence filling your every moment... a comfort, to be honest.

The physical aspect of the whole 2-month-old ordeal wasn't half bad either. More interesting than unpleasant. Although I've never relished feeling nauseous, the rest of it felt like floating inside a bubble, far from everything surrounding me, strangely peaceful, introspective and light.

Truth is, I do not want a kid. I am not into the "being a mother" business, and it is very unclear to me at the time wether I will ever be. But since that dream, I remember more clearly how unearthly it felt to be pregnant ... and I do know that I would like to carry a pregnancy out to fruition sometime in my life, even if I do not keep the kid. Seems like a very selfish thing to want, but hey! Not all feelings that spring forth from our hearts have to be generous to be genuine.

Cheers to having another life inside, even if it is only for a little while!

Bare-hearted

2005-01-08T17:28:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been reminded more than once that my weaknesses are showing a seam. Tears pour out with astounding ease and I tend to feel lonely and hopeless more often than I should. Sounds like a depression. Might be one. But the truth is that this particular set of circumstances, the combination of settings in my emotional life, my work life and my reaction to both is very new to me.

The simple fact that at last I am learning how to segregate my personal life from my work is a feat unprecedented. I usually not only found myself feeling at home in my workplace by 3 months into my position. I also used to find myself in the very awkward situation of having an affair with a coworker by that time. A sickly habit, I know. But it was a tendency that somehow made my workdays exciting.

I don't want that anymore, and it hasn't been difficult to keep myself from that, for a number of reasons. First, I am deeply in love, happily, even if my other half sadly keeps doubting it. This is a relationship I want for keeps (whatever that means). This is one person I see myself making a life with, and he knows it, although I don't know if I have made myself entirely clear. Sometimes I think I might not have.

For the other part, my workplace is entirely professional in the sense that even if we make jokes and kid around a bit, there's always this fine line between what we are in the job and what we become after punch-out time. All around me, and myself included, cherish that separation. It keeps us sane, I guess.

And then there's me looking out for myself. Maybe I finally learned that the workplace is no place to be fooling around. I guess the experience with H. proved that and drove it home deeper than I thought at first. I am glad this happenned. It does prove to keep you saner.

But still, problems bubble closer to the surface. Not with the workplace, although there are days in which I passionately hate my job (more the office than anything else), but in my personal life. Those evident weaknesses, my underbelly exposed. Or not?

I don't know about everyone else, but when I fall in love I happen to become vulnerable to the person I fall in love with. It's part of the trust I place in that person. You trust and you become vulnerable to whatever failure of that trust happens. And even if no failure happens, you become exposed to the person you love. I think it's part of human nature, or at least part of my own nature. No matter how much you get hurt, once you cross the line between just plain dating/liking/flirting with a person and loving, all the outer shell you've built around yourself crumbles. It's a delicate situation, yes. But inevitable.

Does this make one weak? I wouldn't think so. It takes strength to let go again after a long time without loving truthfully, after a time when you don't really get involved, no matter if you've gotten your brains banged out, you still sit up after that and look at the person beside you and are able to say without quiver or fear in your voice "You regret this, don't you?" and even if you get a resounding "Yes!" you don't regret it yourself ... I know I already learned what sex without love is, what craving after a person that doesn't like you does to you, how loving someone who prefers you as a plaything changes you forever ... I know where my strength lies. But where the heart is concerned I'd rather leave that acid and cynical side out. Loving doesn't kill my tough spots, it just covers them, I guess.

But being told... once and again ... it starts rubbing the underbelly into a tough spot itself. I don't want that. I don't wanna become this big tough callused person. I guess this is where the real strength has to step in and confront whatever I don't believe true about myself.

I am not any weaker. I am just more vulnerable and exposed to those who have obtained my trust. And if a failure to that trust has just made a tiny cut into my underbelly, expect some blood to come out. It's logical, isn't it?

Deserved Self-Bash

2004-12-24T10:24:00.000-04:00

I can't help but to feel that every time I burst out into one of my temper tantrums I'm being unfair to those around me, those who love me. I keep bashing mindlessly, unaware of the unfairness of what I say, of how I make others feel. Of how I have made him feel. I keep saying over and over how special he is to me, however my actions, my temper tantrums, my claims make him feel shitty. I need to control this,

I need to be able to place myself in his shoes, be able to see that I am not the only thing in his mind. Be able to remember however that he loves me, that I am important to him as he is to me.

Here I am, amongst people I couldn't care less about, and he is in his bed, perhaps sleeping, perhaps not in bed and working, I don't know. But I know he felt like shit, and I hope he doesn't anymore, but only he will be able to say when we get in contact again.

In the meanwhile, all I know is that THIS feels like shit. THIS feels like hipocrisy embodied. This feels like something I don't want to be doing, somewhere I don't want to be at. All I want is to do, either from near or from afar, is to reassure him of how precious he is to me and how nothing but sweet he has been to me. I can't complain. I am not complaining. But sometimes I move my mouth and all that pours out is a long whine, a big splotch of complain, bitch and rabble. Dear gawd, let me stop! :'( I can't bear to hurt him any longer, this is not what he deserves. He deserves better, he can do better than this. I will try to reach that approppriate level of "better", be worthy of him, make him feel the way I feel he is to me: precious, adorable, pricelessly and perfectly un-perfect but totally perfect in my eyes in every single way.

Apparently...

2004-12-21T18:59:00.000-04:00

I just learned how to take a good picture.

That up there is my stepsister, only nine months younger than I am and already married. Terribly frightening, no? Yes! But I wish her the best and hope the guy doesn't give me reason to rip his guts out with my brow tweezers.

Contrary to what may seem by the pic, the wedding was ...
... I have no idea, I didn't go to the wedding.

I took this shot at the reception. And the reception was ... well, your typical rural party up in the mountains with lots of lechón a la vara and alcohol and drunken idiots breaking into the party just to make asses out of themselves even if no one knows who they are. Yeah... at least Eze was there to give me moral support on that one matter plus he at last got to meet the other side of the family. He spent most of the time with my stepbrother gabbing each other's ears off about LOTR (which by the way I saw ROTK extended version on Saturday night, excellent experience, thanx Eze!). My sister went to the wedding party too, so at least there was some Campo representin' in tha houz (or somethin')

Let me know what you think of the pic. Those who are in dire need of a cheap photographer for their special occasions are welcome to ask. All I require is a lax dress code and free food (plus a moderate fee, won't ask for much). :-D

Things that make you go hmmmm...

2004-12-16T14:47:00.000-04:00

- Like sitting listlessly at your job post, waiting for a service ticket to come up on screen, and suddenly noticing that the girl you've been eyeing for the past two days (the one you noticed not so much 'cuz she's cute, but more because she kinda looks like a thinner version of you and dresses like you and -today- is wearing a colored-dots skirt, and you're sure that you'd do her under the influence of a single Children's Panadol) is actually an architect. The envy/desire doubles.

- BTW: If the day goes on like this I might get to need that single Children's Panadol. My migraine is coming back.

- Plus I'm trying to remember the webpage Pepe used to upload his playlist on an html (quite automatically, I believe). But first I'd have to readjust some CD titles and etcetera. This Pod is a total mess. Currently listening to: Bring Me the Disco King - David Bowie...

- Feeling better overall, thank you. Passed two "fire-tests" in the last 18 hours, think I passed ok. One of them being, though, product of my utter clumsiness (ditzy me! I actually BELIEVE I have spent more time with this cell phone than I actually have)

- But still, utterly bored. I turn into fucking Chella I'm Bored from 8 to 5. Ewgh!

Snippets from Work

2004-12-15T12:51:00.000-04:00

I have discovered a new fear. I don't know if it has to do with a dream I had some weeks ago, a dream so terrifying - it delved so deep into my own psyche. That day I woke up crying. I had dreamt this:

I was living in this sort of commune or apartment building with Eze. My sister lived there too, and a bunch of other friends. Eze and I were kind of moving our stuff from one apartment to the next (a kind of dumb move, I suppose). I was moving, in particular, some sort of grill or stove-top range on a rickety wheeled cart, kind of like a BBQ cart. Alfonso came in and told me how nice it looked where I had put it (whatever! I know, this isn't important to the whole dream). Then I decided to do the dishes (cannot escape that chore, not even in dreams). While I was doing them I see this big blur cross the hall by the kitchen and go straight to the backyard (yes, an apartment with a backyard, unusual but not impossible, ask Eze and Alfonso). I realize it's my Dad! And Eze is tailing him, carrying some boxes. I ask him "Did you just meet my Dad?" and he nods. Then I see him, my Dad, coming back to the house and I jump on him, all happy, as I would be if I saw him right now. Then I follow him outside, and I see he's traveling in this new, white Hummer. When I peek inside I see ... Mom :-S and my brother. My Mom's all prettied up and behaving all happy and coquettish, so I understand it from the dream that she and my Dad got together :-S? Ew! Anyways, I don't give it much thought, but then I kind of lean in to keep talking to my Dad and my Mom starts driving the Hummer! (that is DEFINITELY a dream, Mom can't drive a big car!). She's backing up and dragging me with the car. My ass is in the air and she's giving me a ride all around the block.

When I get back I go out with my sister. The funny thing about this compound is that it's more like an educational community that's sharing building space with a mall and smaller stores. Therefore it's got two access points: one through a bookstore (kind of like a crossover between Borders and Castle Books) and another through an abandoned alleyway right on the side of the mall. We use that one and it's more like a carpeted slide with hills and valleys (reminds me of the movie Toys). We slide down into the alleyway through a gaping hole hidden from the outside by bushes and tall grass.

When we try to go back in (don't ask me, the details of what we did outside are totally beside me) we find the hole in the alleyway and I go in first, but midway through the rise up into the compound I almost get stuck. The tunnel is getting smaller by the second. On me! I tell my sister to back down to the alleyway, that we would try the other access point, through the store.

We go into the store and I find it filled with people, with a sense of upheaval and change. Lots of the smaller stores are closed, and there's this ant-like crowd making lines to buy books. I remember then that the door to the apartment compound is the second to the left (the other doors lead to offices and such). But when my sis and I reach the second door all I see is this metallic-gray hall with an entrance like that of a bank safe and some handymen installing elevator lights right by the door. The hall beyond has no doors. I keep walking, pretty sure I am mistaken, but I arrive to the third door and find it as usual. I turn back and I can't find my sister! I faintly remember having seen her turn into the second door, no matter what. This terrifies me, I don't know exactly why, but I get desperate. I call her cellphone, looking among the crowd to find her red jacket, but the answer I get is a man. And I hang up because I know she won't be there. I call Eze, fearing the worst. Someone picks up. A man. Not him. And I know that them, my life, has disappeared forever.

This dream was bad in itself, it made me cry and see how much Eze and my sis (and my life as it is!) mean to me. But today I saw a wall where a door used to be and it struck the same chord. The change of structures, making access points disappear, sheer walls where the entrance used to be. Blocking the view, the mind, the knowledge, the existence of that which is meaningful to us. Terribly frightening indeed.

Worried about myself

2004-12-14T22:24:00.000-04:00

Today has been the day of the weirdest reactions from me, ranging from psycho to desperately jealous over bullshit. I don't know where all of this comes from, I don't know why my emotional range is veering so sharply away from what my mind knows to be true. Why the doubt? Why the rage? Why the jealousy? Why this acrid sadness sticking at the back of my throat, choking me up, filling my tongue with a salty aftertaste of tears not yet spilled?
Why do my eyes water up at imaginary mishaps and heartbreaks? Why do I already feel heartbroken?
I feel lonely even if I'm constantly surrounded by people, even if I get calls every once in a while... I feel lonely inside myself. I think I need help, but I can't even bring myself to look a shrink up.
I don't know what I want. I want to get out of here, but I don't know where I wanna go. I feel heartbroken, but nothing's wrong in my sentimental life. I miss my Dad, but I don't feel like calling him more often 'cuz I don't know what to say (except "I miss you", but I've said that before, to no response at all, just a swift change of subject from him or his wife).
I feel lonely, but I want to be alone too. I feel neglected, but it doesn't mean I haven't been tended to. It can't be anyone else's fault. Just my own.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. Do I want to?

Intimacy

2004-12-11T12:17:00.000-04:00

On Friday I realized what "intimacy" is really about.

Every year, since I joined the working class, a Christmas party is held. This varies in few details from one workplace to the next. The place, the people, the music, the drinks, the dress code... it all doesn't matter 'cuz it's for the same reason (drinking to your bowels' content on your employer's budget) and with the same excuse (Christmas spirit... bah, humbug, says I, but not for the same reason I used to 'til last year - more on that ... any other day).

Thing is that usually the message in the invitation and the motto during the party and the word rolling from one corporate tongue to the next is the same: "So we can get to know each other better, so we can share this moment together". But who does that?

One goes into the party more or less in small groups, or maybe alone but you eventually end up in the same group of people you work with. It is a strange occurrence if you get to meet new people, and if you do you will inevitably forget all about it by next week.

For some sad people, this party is the be-all end-all of the whole year festivities. They would rather be there than with their own family. For some even sadder people (specially women, and I included myself in this little group at one point, but no longer) it is an excuse to spend more time with their clandestine affair, maybe even dance a number or two "for the sake of Christmas spirit" ... oh, brother! You know that as soon as you scurry out of the place, both of you will scamper to the nearest motel, fuck your drunken brains out and then he will go home to his wife, and you will arrive all sad, alone and depressed to your own home

But last Friday I finally noticed the real scale with which intimacy works. At least in my life it has changed and it feels more appropriate now. I was feeling all out of sorts and lonely in there. I definitely don't fit in anymore, and the difference lies in that I don't want to anymore either. I scrammed out of there as soon as I noticed a lost call from (ironically) the one person that left me to arrive all lonely and depressed to my empty home at some point in my life. That one phone call was a lot more real than all I had experienced in that lousy party. And as soon as I got home, talked to my sister, brother, mom and boyfriend, that one phonecall lost relevance too. I finally understand where the core of intimacy lies. Not in sex, but in love. In family.

Under the Illusion

2004-11-29T22:53:00.000-04:00

I was overhearing the TV this evening, a program on the History Channel on the theme of warfare. A soldier from this present age was talking about how cheap landmines proved to be, compared to tanks and other artifacts of war. He then flung around the extravagant sum of 40 million dollars: the cost of a single tank.

Which set me to thinking.

Have we really realized how costly it is to wage a war? Billions of dollars go into killing a foreign nation, toppling its government, instating a new one and keeping the order in general until opposition subsides. This bothers me greatly. This money could be used to improve upon the culture, infrastructure and knowledge of this nation, instead of being spent on squandering another. What bothers me even more, to the core of my beliefs, is that this great deal of money is actually being used for violent purposes - to kill people, if you will! Don't people see this is just another WWII situation? Of course, we're "the good guys" now, and no one has grabbed us by the balls, no jews are protesting in English, but our ears are quite deaf to any other language, no matter how loudly spoken. Apparently, "Mercy, please" doesn't count unless spoken in English. That's why no one is moved by these stories: no one has bothered to place the subtitles.

The other part of this that bothers me is that MY money, the money I earn each day as I wake up and make the goodwilled effort to go and work for, the money I spend in food, clothes, sometimes some little extras to make my life better... are directly or indirectly making someone's life far away much worse. I'm obviously referring to the silk road of Taxes. Each year, if you pay your taxes yearly, or each day, if you pay sales taxes... you pay the government a bit of what you earn, a bit of what you spend. We gripe about it, of course, but only because it is money we would rather have in our pockets so we can spend it in yet more things to make our life more pleasant.

I believe most people don't stop to think that with every bit that each one of us puts in, we're amassing a great sum of money. Money we're giving to the government. Money the government spends on war. Our money, our efforts, our sufferings are going bit by bit into making warfare. We work so Dubya can kill peole off. Wow.

Now I am not very comfortable with this. Actually, I disagree. So, do I stop paying my taxes? No, I can't. I would go to jail in a matter of a few years. We are actually paying taxes so they won't throw us into a cell. Our freedom is an illusion, it's bought! No matter what I do for a living, I have to pay taxes, otherwise it's considered illegal and prosecutable by law. This so-called freedom they sell you is not for free. It is not my born right. I have to earn freedom and actually agree, in principle, to kill those muslim motherfuckers, even if at heart I totally hate it and disagree with it.

So, what do we do? We live on, under the impression we're free, but we're not. We've been caged in a structure called society. We're all born the same way and brought into a societal structure into which we're educated for the final purpose of, at due age, integrating ourselves into the worforce and toil away at the turning wheels of the mechanism of war. We are The Big War Machine. Billions of humans wasting away under the impression of freedom, trapped into the mechanisms of the art of warfare.

Just a few steps away from Aldous Huxley's A Brave \New World.

Feeling better...

2004-11-27T20:57:00.000-04:00

...although the problems do not cease to come in. My car's "check engine" light just came on today, but I doubt that something's wrong with the car. It could be more like something's wrong with the light.

Well, have taken good advantage of my new toys (40GB iPod and 3200 Nikon Coolpix) and will soon show for it. In the meanwhile, just wanted to jot down that this is one of those moments in which I feel pretty much stable, and in which I usually don't write at all.... well, I decided to, so as to leave evidence that those moments sure exist! ;-D

BTW: Gala died this morning. Mom bought another bird (a green and blue parrakeet that prefers to sit on the swing instead of the perch, bloody weird bird... what should I call her? I am accepting suggestions below! Soon I will post her photo too)

Cuando lo importante da paso a lo urgente

2004-11-22T00:14:00.000-04:00

... según Mafalda (qué no daría yo por un scanner funcional para poder poner también el strip en cuestión).

Entre exabruptos y tantrums cáusticos, me he percatado de la mayor pérdida en este último mes y medio, lo que ha provocado esta sensacion de ansiedad (restlessness) en mí. No es la pérdida del tiempo libre (en un momento pensé que sería algo así), pero me veo progresivamente enredándome en la telaraña de la vida comunal/ejecutiva/empleocéntrica del yuppie. Poco a poco aplazando aquello que es importante para mí (el tiempo y energía que le dedico a mi familia, a mis seres queridos, a las cosas q me gustan, y - lo más importante de todo - a mí misma) para atender lo que es urgente. Ni siquiera se trata de tener más o menos días libres, de vacaciones, fuera de la oficina. Ya se va tratando de algo mental, psicológico.

Es decir: You may take Diana out of the office but you can't take the office out of Diana.

Eso es terrible! De pronto encontrarse en la cama a las 11PM intentando descansar y ver q no se puede pensar en nada más alla de lo q pasó durante el día en la oficina o los problemas sintomáticos del apego a ella. Es una de esas relaciones love/hate, y esto es enfermizo.

Necesito encontrar forma de desconectar y poder atender mis propios problemas en mi propio tiempo. Si no paso tiempo en la oficina, lo paso pensando en lo q sucedió, y peor aun: dreading to go back.

It's the end-all, be-all of my puny, little existence. ugh ...

Yuppie shite

Pues tengo q encontrar la forma de salir de eso, antes de empezar a pensar q sería bueno tener propiedades en Los Paseos. Tengo q poder encontrar la forma de q, aun estando dentro de la oficina, no se me olvide q lo q me gusta es el arte, q esto no me haga sentir miserable por no poder estudiarlo ahora, sino q me sienta bien pq no soy parte del rebaño de mierda de estos oficinistas en realidad. Que camino con ellos, pero sólo hasta el momento en q poncho. Que podemos ser compañeros, pero no tienen que conocerme. Que esto es solamente un trabajo, y no mi vida entera.

Tengo q encontrar la forma de desconectarme ... y lo voy a lograr.

My New Pets

2004-11-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

The two lovers...

Dalí ...

... and Gala

The story is quite simple: I was doing errands (mostly bank errands, the most depressing and tedious errands of all kinds). I was at El Señorial Plaza (the most depressing mall, go figure, perfect place for the most depressing errands). I had just finished paying this month's installment for the car plus some late fees. I was walking back to my car and I passed by the pet store. Now, usually I'm not very fond of these places since they sell what will never be rightfully ours: another life. Plus they keep the dog-breeding industry alive while there are millions of stray/mixed-breed dogs out there begging to be adopted. Why have a snooty poodle when you can have faithful, playful mongrelSpot! :-D

Well, what caught my attention was a big cage with five tortoises (I love turtles and tortoises). It mostly caught my attention cuz these animals were outlawed years ago in the island (basically cuz of salmonella epidemics due to high contact with them). I was talking to Mom on the phone in the meanwhile and I was telling her all about it. I started touching one of them under the paw and it snapped at me! Nasty ho's!

Well, I turned my attention to the parrakeets. I have never been a fan of caged birds , but these two struck me as an explicitly happy couple. I put my finger to the cage, expecting them to screech in fear and scuttle away, but the male just got closer and nibbled at my finger softly. I was as hooked as I would have been with a pup.

I bought them and brought them home. Meet our new family members: Dali and Gala! :D

Re:

2004-11-09T22:47:00.000-04:00

Why is it that for me, even if life has pulled me to and fro, I do not feel the weigh of past wounds... do I not learn?

Why is it that I pay no heed to consistent heartbreak, and make the same mistakes all over again?

I retain the same joy in loving, the same carelessness in throwing my heart away, in surrendering myself to the tiniest whims of emotions ... still a child at heart and not in the best sense.

I see others around me growing more cautious, even in love itself, incapable of the same innocent surrender they once were. In me I only see the same carelessness intertwined with a dark tendency to feel doom in the slightest cloud.

I have a belief that love will be love wherever you put it, however you feel it. That's why these "grown up" tendencies to be more cautious or more detached scare me so, cuz a hardened hard is just too easy to find... the easy way out of just feeling and living the most out of life.

Maybe I'm being to hard on the others, maybe I'm being immature at all .... this...

But to see the apples around me rotting away while I still work hard at keeping my own core intact ... it's frustrating, it breaks my heart.

And maybe this drama won't help at all, but one too many times I have seen people being spoiled for good by situations ...

Maybe one day I will be the old lady sitting in a corner smiling out the window, not caring at all, still feeling like a toddler, still remembering all except how she got into the assylum.

If only old age would get here fast, then maybe I will only see that the rotten apples around me resemble little dark hearts, wilted flowers, something out of a song, something that doesn't touch me ... by then only sunlight and breeze will touch me, and those never rot at all ...

Trading Spaces

2004-11-06T21:44:00.000-04:00

Go to Anais's Travels for the serious stuff today.

This will only be a display of mirth and a subtle wish of owning this:

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

It's 1961 and Dr. Paul Armstrong (Larry Blamire) and his lovely wife Betty (Fay Masterson) head into the mountains in search of a recently fallen meteor containing the rare element atmosphereum. Paul needs it to help him with his science work, but Betty'd just as soon have a vacation. Also in the area, sinister Dr. Roger Fleming (Brian Howe) asks trusty Ranger Brad (Dan Conroy) the whereabouts of Cadavra Cave, mysterious home to rumors of a legend of the Lost Skeleton." That night, both parties witness what appears to be yet another meteor falling. Immediately after, a local farmer is killed by a horrible, unseen thing. Is there a connection? Indeed there is. The second meteor is actually a disabled alien spaceship with a strange couple from the planet Marva, Krobar (Andrew Parks) and Lattis (Susan McConnell). These aliens discover they also need Atmosphereum to power their really high tech ship, and notice their horrible pet mutant (Darrin Reed), which they travel around with for some reason, has escaped. Unfortunately, Dr. Fleming discovers he also needs the atmosphereum to bring to life the dreaded Lost Skeleton of Cadavra which he finds in the cave.

After the aliens disguise themselves as earth people with the aid of their "transmutatron", Dr. Fleming swipes it and morphs four different forest animals into his own ally - the beautiful cat-suited Animala (Jennifer Blaire). Now everyone's after the atmosphereum and the Armstrongs find they have their hands full, capturing the mutant, stopping the evil scientist, and vanquishing the power-mad Skeleton who wants to rule the world.

Oh well....

I sleep now.

If we were in medieval times...

2004-11-02T14:39:00.000-04:00

our roads and our highway would look like a BIG medieval joust field.

Our flags:

Our contenders:

But none of it will matter if this guy wins the elections!

Either of these two would be as bad!

Toy CAGA!

2004-11-02T01:17:00.000-04:00

Por las elecciones, mas las de afuera (EU) q las locales ... let's hope for the best

Wish List

2004-10-26T17:58:00.000-04:00

Mood: Nervous

.... but never mind...

Xmas Wishlist!

Tha new iPod! Black and red (very stylish color combo, absolutely LOVE it!) plus it's 60 gigas! NICE!

Blythe! Already found another fan in my group of friends, so we might as well join those doll-crazed freaks out there .... plus you only have to spend $80 to sign in! What a deal!

Well, up til now, my wishlist is up to $580 in spending, so I'm like ... $600 short ... ;-) See ya!

Hi Fi

2004-10-24T11:22:00.000-04:00

I just wish these dreams would go away, it's the second time I dream about these things, I do not want them in my head. Recurrent themes. Ugh! I wake up with the feeling that the dream actually happenned, and it's a panicky feeling, like I fucked up or something. Thankfully, truth is better than fiction at these points.

My new beeper (yes, a beeper... I was handed one on Friday at 5PM... felt like being handed one of Rambaldi's devices, a museum item of sorts, a sun dial, something pricelessly useless) started beeping this morning at 6:30AM. What worries me is that this is the kind of activity that most technicians have to endure when they are on-call during weekends: get a call at 6AM on a saturday, wake up, go to the office or wherever, solve it ... u know, it's scary to see the line between your personal life and your work being blurred and lost like that. Thing is, it will happen to me. I am one of those chosen to be on call on a regular basis as soon as I am considered to be able to solve problems by myself.

If only ...

lost it ...

2004-10-19T22:44:00.000-04:00

Tenia tantas ideas para escribir en este espacio hoy ... todas perdidas por una conversacion q no me esperaba ahora mismo ... por un relajo montado por mi usual autismo sintomatico cuando me conecto ...

Pensando un poco: en Florida estan votando hoy, no se por que ni los pormenores de esto. Papi estaba en esas. Votando. Por Kerry. Thankfully and let's hope he wins.

Can't concentrate .... FUCK THIS!

Cheers ... without the Jose Cuervo.

2004-10-17T18:38:00.000-04:00

Listening to: Cheers Darlin' - Damien Rice
Mood: ... oh dear

This song had been looping in my head for a few days now, but I had totally forgotten who sung it or the name, everything had scrammed from my memory except the sorrowful despair that it carries. Should have assumed and trusted that Eze would include it in one of the MP3 CDs he made for me some time ago.

Now, why did it loop that way for so many days? Why am I feeling this particular way at times? So many things are going right, so many things have gotten fixed... this ungrateful little bitch sitting here cannot deal with a bit of sadness in the blood? Damn!

Here is the latest on how to fight boredom...

I don't even know what's going on really inside of me. I suppose automatically a disorder of sorts, usually blame myself, my neuron connections, my subconscious workings, I blame no one else... I never do. Whenever things aren't as pretty as one hopes, why do I start feeling doomsday weighing on my shoulder? Things start looking less pink... why does the gradient jump to gray?

Why do I make his memories my own... don't I have enough with what I have lived, with the baggage I bring to all this? It's almost beautiful how all of it merges into this big ball of dark glass and tears.

What this feels like: unexplainable. But it depresses, it sinks, it washes me in salt and vinegar. Until I feel jaded, sea-treated, like rusty metal ... like the things I love ... but when they cut, they kill. If only feelings were more organic, less shiny, then the luster wouldn't be gone that easily. Then it would all behave like the inside spiral of a seashell: always shiny, neverending.

How do you turn a chain into a seashell?

How do you erase your memory, how do you unchain yourself from all that made you who you are ... how do you get to be new again?

Cheers Darlin' - Damien Rice

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover boy
Cheers darlin'
I got years to wait around for you
Cheers darlin'
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
Cheers darlin'
You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention his name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were running the reins

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover man
Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can
Cheers darlin'
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers darlin'
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from here

I die when he comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...

Let the sun set on my tears

2004-10-02T19:05:00.000-04:00

I spent this sunset at one of these:

... and I started thinking... that every time I spend a sunset or an evening at a Wendy's, the mood tends to set in gloomy and weird. At first I thought that it had something to do with the excess of windows and how it looks so dark outside, but then I remembered that other fast food places, like McDonals, have a deluge of windows, and I've never felt like that in one of those.

So I noticed ... the color scheme. All Wendy's restaurants have a color scheme in which blue-green is predominant, with other gradients of blue, and highlights in wine-red and pink (these highlights do very little to chipper up the place). Colors like blue and green are calm and, if the color scheme and lighting in which they are included are not taken good care of, they could very well end up being downright depressing. These color schemes are not your typical fast food colors. It has been proven that bright colors, like white, pink, orange, red and yellow arouse hunger and increase activity. These are popular amongst fast food places because people are not only compelled to eat more, but they also feel the need to move on. What's up with Wendy's? I don't know.

However, I did not need the depressing sunset on me today either. It has been a gloomy day, mostly my fault. I just wish I were a bit less emotional, a bit more pragmatic ... i just wish I didn't get so easily worked up and teary eyed over things as ephemeral as one day less, one hour less, a notch down the belt... things that shouldn't be at all of significance in the bigger scheme. I still feel, however, the need to cry more, and it worries me, cuz I have no reason at all to feel sad, not really. But things come to my head, excuses and reasons for the tears, fantasies of doom and gloom. Today has been an exercise of self control. Of wanting to cry more, just a bit more, and not being able to, so as to prevent more questions from falling on my head. Today has been a day of finally noticing that I am not always on the right. As a matter of fact, I'm mostly on the wrong and childish attitudes, irrational thinking, control my reactions. Today I noticed how easy it could be to ruin the most precious things in your life, the things you should be forever grateful for, with one tear too many. Today I feel it would be wrong to keep crying, but then I can't help it.

Today I feel like going into hibernation, hide from the monster in myself, and not come back until it sleeps again.

Divine Plan my ass!

2004-09-28T21:29:00.000-04:00

However some things happen for no apparent reason, at least for the while. Then you notice that even if what's happenning is not entirely to your great benefit (although in this instance it isn't to my detriment either, fortunately), it is to the benefit of others, and that a little act of good will can open up doors for you.

Do not misinterpret, I do not mean economical doors or a favor owed to you (how convenient!) but more like... mental doors. Suddenly, a little act of good faith, letting go of fears and grudges, it makes you understand things apparently unrelated. Well, at least it happenned to me today. And I am thankful that at last, out of a particular situation that wasn't the most pleasant, I was able to extricate a bit of meaning, a bit of value to my favor.

The value of true empathy over something that was otherwise not so totally clear... well, now it is.

Yet again, I wish to apologize for my cryptic tone, but sometimes, just sometimes... you just can't get rid of a bomb!

Good News First!

2004-09-28T01:49:00.000-04:00

I got a fucking jobbbbbbbbb!
Here!

Good salary offer and, as customary for the company that used to be GM Group, great benefit package. I am happy about this. VERY happy. I'm supposed to start on friday (a bit off-whack, it being friday, but it makes sense, since they pay on days 15 and 30).

On the other hand (and I apologize for my unusual cryptic demeanor): very concerned that I'm not being told something. Even if I know (or hope) it has nothing to do with me, I am still very concerned. I respect the need for space and silence and non-disclosure. However, the need to "not talk about it right now" is new to me in this particular situation and unsettles me a bit.
But I trust ... I trust the other's judgement and I stand by my initial decision to respect the needed space.

Concerned about my father too. :-(

In a Foul Mood

2004-09-26T17:51:00.000-04:00

No need to spread it around, however I am finding that this foul mood, this depression, is bleeding into unrelated areas of my life. One of them being my love life, which is going quite well, if we don't take this current emotional state of mine into account.

I am afraid of fucking it up due to my un-diligence at just disposing of these negative thoughts and dark emotions. It has nothing to do with him, or the relationship per se. It has to do with me and my state of growing despair for a job, something to do, money to earn.

Already expecting the worst (which is not very constructive in itself and if I keep it that way, the devil's gonna take me as part-time, underpaid concubine)...

May the force swim up your ass.

Diana

In celebration of...

2004-09-23T14:58:00.000-04:00

LOVE

July 23rd, 2004.

Thanks, luv, for these two months thats sometimes feel like a second and sometimes feel like a year, but they have always felt right.

I love you.

:-)

The Art of Dreaming

2004-09-23T09:01:00.000-04:00

... y como el "arte de soñar" me tiene ya cacorra!

Why do I keep dreaming things? My mind keeps pulling out cards out of my subconscious, bringing forward whatever it is I think has been forgotten. One day it is that deeply ingrained fear of beaing left alone, next... like last night... I can't even say what it could have meant. Besides, it stirs up nothing in my being besides this one phrase: "What the fuck!?"

I dreamt of my ex.... and I dreamt of his wife. And more about her than him... perhaps the predominant mood in all of this is the same mood that overcame me the day I really saw her up close, just a few weeks before I finished working there. It was annoyance at him for having abandoned and double played a woman as beautiful as she. It is a point of view so stupid, because... why didn't I think of that before? I already knew she existed, I already knew thay had kids together, I already knew they had once loved each other. Her being beautiful doesn't change a thing in life... why should it change my point of view?

Perhaps it's the fact that having her that close, that day, made her much more real to me. And that is what hit me like a truck and made me much more happy of having ended the relationship with him.

However, I have to get all this shit out of my system. NOW!

The Process of Job Hunting

2004-09-22T16:17:00.000-04:00

So! It's been more than a month, to be honest, it's been a month and 16 days since my last day as a worker. Since then, maybe even since before, I've been looking for a new job. No one said it would be easy, but then again, I never thought it would become this hard. Maybe because I don't have another job to fall back on, maybe beacause my days are filled with longing... not only for a satisfying job, but for the compensation that goes with it... the thing that "moves the world around": money.

I wouldn't consider myself materialistic, but everyone knows you need money to survive and procure yourself the most basic commodities. Right now, thanks to my mother, I haven't been wanting on the most basic things, plus a few other vices and privileges as well. However, I hate to be a clinger,

Yesterday I went to yet another interview. The second one with Evertec, It went well, I suppose, because I was selected as part of a (small?) group to go through the last phase: checking references. This is where I get anxious, because even if I am very aware that I had no quarrel with my previous employer and clients, nonetheless there's the small detail that to them, to my ex-employers, I am supposed to be in North Carolina. Puzzlement will ensue. Puzzlement brings unpredictability.

Alex, as I got to know him for two years as a boss, was a good man. A fair boss. One to keep his moods in check... too much in check, to be honest. Most of the times I couldn't really read his moods. That made him unpredictable by nature, at least to me... and that makes for a relatively dangerous situation.

Now that they will learn that I am not on the other side of the Atlantic, a Pandora's box will open.

And knowing the intricacies of personal trusts that rule the world at D&A, certain someone else will know for sure I am here ... and avoiding him. Maybe he already knows. Maybe he even reads this blog. I have taken all the risks quite unconcernedly. But now he could know for sure. I just hope a personal vendetta does not ensue.

An Experiment

2004-09-21T22:22:00.000-04:00

Went here, a website I had visited before... just as an experiment. It had been a while since I last visited. It's a good website that recommends movies for you to watch according to profile and mood. I thought it would make for an interesting experiment, since I've watched a few more movies since my last visit.
Their recommendation (after two first tries: Trainspotting -which I LOVED- and American Beauty -which was great too):

Magnolia

Magnolia is the study of nine lives in one day in San Fernando Valley, California. These nine lives all connect and revolve around the game show "What Do Kids Know?"(WDKK), where a team of three kids play against adults and everytime the show is on, there is a new team of adults and the kids remain; if they won the previous game. Earl Partridge (the late Jason Robards) produced "WDKK" when it was first on in the late 60s. He is dying of brain and lung cancer and is being taken care of by Phil Parma (Philip Seymour Hoffman), a male nurse. Linda, Earl's trophy wife (Julianne Moore) starts to fall in love with Earl for real, despite her cheating. Earl, rapidly dying on his bed, asks Phil to find his estranged son, Frank T.J. Mackey (Tom Cruise), who grew up hating Earl and now runs a seminar for single men, which teaches them how to seduce a woman and leave her... The host of "WDKK", Jimmy Gator (Philip Baker Hall), is also dying, but not as rapidly as Earl. He has a very rocky relationship with his daughter Claudia (Melora Waters), who sniffs crack 24/7 and accuses her father of sexually molesting her. Police Officer Jim (John C. Reilly) goes to Claudia's house after getting called about a disturbance. He falls in love with her right away... Stanley Specter (Jeremy Blackman) is a contestant on "WDKK", who is a genius and is being used by his father to make money. If Stanley and his team keep winning, they will set a record on the show and get tons of money. The record Stanley is trying to beat is the 1968 record set by Donnie Smith (William H. Macy), who had the exact same childhood when he was on the show and has now grown up to be a pathetic loser. He's been recently fired from his job, and is trying to find his way into happiness...

Oooookay... might watch .... some day... I guess.... Any opinions? Please?

AdDicTeD tO liFe

2004-09-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

Addicted to the noise in the streets, the passing lights, the buzz inside my eyes.
Couldn't do without...
The pain of unrequited love
The tears that blur the letters on my screen
The laughter that wells up from within
The dimpled cheeks that your smile gave birth to.

Couln't live without...
The dreams of a city far away
Even if it's just the same
As the city we trample and carouse through right now
It's still our dream to break free
From the web cast by the electricity lines
And the clotheslines, trapped by plastic pins and wooden needles
Ensnared by a staircase of musical notes and unfamiliar smells
Altogether too close and eroticized to be unaware.

I have been trapped by a city
But honestly it would be all the same
San Juan, New York or Madrid
It's the same feel of being trapped
But willingly
The same feel of living connected to the endless circuit of life and mechanisms
The same feel of never leaving the static and buzz behind for a moment
The same feel of being forever enticed
Ensnared
Enamored
Drawn
Beckoned
... and trapped...
by a pair of receding tail lights.

Pegando una Vaciada del Carajo

2004-09-13T11:23:00.000-04:00

Cada día me confunden mas mis propias sensaciones, pq son una mezcla, se confunden, se combinan, y lo peor de todo: no me dejan en paz.
A lo mejor pegando la vaciada del siglo, logre desmadejar el caos q me tiene un poco loca, un poco demente... y mas que un poco deprimida.

Issue #1: Los chavos
Necesito dinero: that much is plain to see. Por un lado me siento culpable porque estoy usando los recursos de mi madre no solo para lo ínfimamente necesario, sino para un lujo como lo son los cigarrillos. Estoy más que consciente de q se los voy a pagar de vuelta, pero eso no quita un poco la sensación de culpabilidad. Ya esta discusión la tuve con Eze, hasta llegar a la conclusión de q no debería sentirme culpable, que estoy haciendo todo lo posible por conseguir un trabajo. Y sí, es cierto, pero estoy siendo ... digamos que "overly selective in the process". Si el desespero fuese tanto, ya hubiese tomado el primer trabajo ofrecido y no ha sido asi. Supongo q en parte para preservar mi sanidad mental. Espero que de esta semana salga algo. Sali horita de mi primera entrevista de una serie de cuatro q tengo entre hoy y mañana. Espero q uno de estos sitios sea...

El "Issue #2" es algo puramente psicologico y no se si el issue de los chavos y la consiguiente depre sea lo que aporta a esta situacion. Digo q es psicologico pq realmente no hay nada en el mundo tangente que haga refuerzo de las cosas q se están colando del subconsciente a mia pensamientos menos sutiles.
A rajatabla: me siento un poco abandonada por mi pareja. Lo se! Nada que ver con la realidad! Y se q no es asi y se lo q el siente por mi, no lo dudo, no lo pongo en entredicho. Mejor hombre que el no he conocido y creo q seria dificil encontrarlo en la esfera social donde nos movemos. Ya le habia mencionado a el, sin embargo, que me hacía algo de falta el tiempito que soliamos tener juntos solos... ultimamente entre mudanzas y reuniones sociales/familiares/laborales/academicas (sobre todo los compromisos de el, ya q ahora mismo mas desocupada yo no podria estar)... pues no nos ha dado tiempo real para dedicarnos el uno al otro. Si pasamos mucho tiempo juntos, pero las mas de las veces es en medio de un grupo, siempre hay alguien mas, obvio que la dinamica no es la misma y las atenciones de divierten y dividen hacia los demas concurrentes.
Eso no me ofende, ni mas faltaba. Somos seres sociales y no podemos vivir en una burbuja. No obstante par de preocupaciones me pasan por la mente: el hecho de que una pareja deberia dedicarse tiempo a solas tambien, eso es lo que fortalece la dinamica entre los dos y nos afianza como pareja (por eso mismo muchas parejas q son de imagen nada mas, q dedican mas tiempo a fichurear en grupo pq se ven lindos juntos ... esas cosas no funcionan)... se q esta situacion es temporera y se q no deberia preocuparme, pero sigue siendo algo en mi subconsciente, lo tengo q soltar... q mejor modo q escribiendolo?
Ahora si, este mismo tren nos deja agotados, tanto q no nos queda animos para ser cute el uno con el otro. Si nos damos la mano y sabemos lo q sentimos, pero en estos ultimos dias arrancarnos una sonrisa mutua se hace cada vez mas dificil, no pq estemos molestos, sino pq estamos cansados (creo yo, al menos en mi caso el cansancio se suma a la depre por no tener chavos)... Pensar en eso nada mas me deprime un poco mas y es algo q probablemente me va trabajando en el fondo.... igual, no son cosas q me molestan, solo preocupaciones bobas q igual se irán tan pronto todo regrese a su normalidad...

solo quiero dejar de soñar con estas preocupaciones.

The Trial

2004-09-09T13:53:00.000-04:00

Inclusive, no hace falta hacer un recuento del "trial" famoso ese que experimente ayer. Con decir que fue terrible y q inclusive antes de firmar con esa gente ya odiaba el sitio al cabo de 5 horas... bueno, eso va bajo el título de "Jobs NOT to take".

Por otro lado se me abren par de puertas, algunas en lugares y puestos que nada q ver tienen con lo que yo he hecho en los ultimos 4 años, y par de llamadas de lugares y puestos que componen un mecanismo corporativo al cual he cantado y vociferado que odio acérrimamente, no obstante son los lugares que me han mantenido bastante contenta y cómoda. A veces toca vender un poco el idealismo para poder comprar el pasaje de salida permanente, no?

Continúo buscando trabajo pero me da la impresión de que me estoy acercando, esta es la recta final, tan solo tengo q buscar donde meter el caballo y que haya suficiente paja pa que coma!

Gracias a los pocos que se han ensañado con la vida para no dejarme caer en el desespero (ustedes saben quienes son) y gracias tambien a quienes han ignorado por completo mi problematica, pq a veces a los problemas hay que ignorarlos para q se hagan mas pequeños.

En otra nota:

PEÑUTA!

A Florida, USA la naturaleza lo tiene cogido de cherry ah! Y me rejode y me toca en lo personal pq mi papa esta alla. Papi solía decir, cuando vivia aqui en Macondo, que el ahuyentaba los huracanes ... algo que ver con la sangre colombiana como repelente ciclónico? BUEH! ... pero estaba en lo incorrecto (LO AND BEHOLD! Mi papa en lo incorrecto! DAMN!) porque ya le han pasado dos por encima y ahi va el tercero en una sola temporada. QUE CHICHA!

Solo espero que Ivan coja y decida espetarse en Honduras mas bien o algo asi, y que dejen de joder a mi papá, el solo quiere hacerse de una vida fructífera en fucking USA! ¬_¬

On the Inadequacies of Being....

2004-08-29T16:20:00.000-04:00

... or the way I've fallen completely and utterly in love, and the fact that, even though most of the times it makes me feel giddy,
on a natural adrenaline high,
happy (completely utterly blissfully happy),
sometimes, some days (like today) in which by itself I already feel blue or sad or simply regretful
(for the excessively alcoholized evening I had last night, for example),
I start feeling scared of how intense that high, that excessive bliss, feels...

How to love so much 'til it hurts... without actually getting hurt...?

Then it starts feeling inadequately vulnerable. I feel inadequately vulnerable... and then my thoughts start spiraling towards that side of the specter I shouldn't be visiting at all. Being scared of how strong this feels is supposed to be alright, except that by nature one starts wondering wether you're alone in this situation. My brain knows the answer ... so does my heart... so what part of me is this which governs the fears and can actually have power enough to affect my moods (in passing or not so much)?

Why is it that fears, no matter how subconscious they start off as, seep into our everyday thoughts with such ease, as if they were natural and logical assumptions, instead of presenting themselves as what they really are? Goddamned weeds in the line of thought!

Then maybe, just maybe, analyizing them and identifying them as viruses of the well-being of the mind, I can isolate them as such, erradicate them, just get rid of the fears, dismiss them as plain time-established insecurities which need not be there!

Yes, then I can work with what I really can count on: simple, reliable logic and emotion...

BTW: This rant is in no way related to the "Life Line" Doctrine presented in Donnie Darko. Thanks and good night.

The Reason of Being

2004-08-12T16:29:00.000-04:00

... or why the concept of this journal has defeated itself in purpose. The name in itself says it all: Tangled Emotions. Whereas I found myself in a situation of stormy standstill, like the sea: calm on the outside but broiling with life underneath it's mirrory calmness... now I find myself in a totally different place: a total calmness, utter bliss. A place I had never been before ... and it concerns me that at some point I won't have all that much to talk about (at least where my love life is concerned) because it will all be so ... alright... makes me happy but then defeats the initial purpose of this cybernetic space ... which means I shouldn't have destined it to be ONLY about my love life ... which means I'm gonna have to either change its name or tangle my emotions in respect to other areas in my life (which would be ... unnatural ... although interesting)....

Just had to question and re-state the purpose of this journal: no longer to gripe about my love life or lack thereof... just another journal...

Flatlining

2004-08-05T16:17:00.000-04:00

... But in the best sense possible. An utmost tranquility, serenity, that cannot be described by mere words. I may not be taking flight anymore, but the most important part of me has: my heart. At last my heart feels free to love, devoid of desperation and insecurities, it loves like a calm sea... washing over, slowly advancing, enormous, sometimes ominous, sometimes inviting, but inevitable and always there. For the first time in perhaps more than 10 years, this process takes yet again place in my heart. A process that surely and steadily burns set into my heart, changes my world, makes it more real, more colorful, more ... THERE!

Blessed be the moment our lips joined...

Hourglass

2004-06-30T08:54:00.000-04:00

... and the minutes scurry away. The time is coming that I should leave, and I know that with it, it carries no regrets. However, I am starting to doubt the effectivity of this move, how will it make me forget that which lives in my heart? Is it possible to fall out of love when the love you've fallen INTO is more real and deeper than the greatest love ever immortalized in page and pen? Could I really forget the best moments in my life? Would it be fair, considering that I do not forget the worst moments all too easily?

You still look at me behind beady glasses and perhaps this steely wall that keeps your feeling locked away, hidden out of my sight. However I can still smell you, I can still see you, I can still feel you, and even though it might just be the carcass, the shell into which love was encased almost a year ago, I still love it, the way you cherish the gift's wrapping even though the gift is gone.

Nonetheless, the fact that love shines not through anymore, does not give your eyes that perfect glow ... it breaks my heart and shatters the pieces into the finest dust. I yearn for a love that doesn't live anymore, I asked and pleaded once, and even though I plead no more, my heart still yearns and cries out for the soulmate you once were. Our past has been encased and pasted into the pages behind me, I cannot reach out and relive, too certain have you made it that there's no way to return to that ecstatic state of mind, body and soul, thet merge of two into the perfect ONE that made both parts... perfect ... just as you are.

...yet again... for Heri.

Exhausted / Venting

2004-06-23T15:21:00.000-04:00

... or how I want to get my groove back, however people keep tugging me in different direction.

And friends are not friends when they impose themselves on you without consideration of previous plans and/or the fatigue you're already feeling with existing obligations. This is pissing me off so bad, I can't even function right.

Let's see, let's make this call right here (J.J.)...
... and a voicemail, I get, which is fine cuz I DON'T impose myself on my friends. What is UP with this girl? Why do other females find this even remotely normal?!

Am I the abnormal one here? :-(

A Piece of You

2004-06-17T15:46:00.000-04:00

You can't help it, you can't evade it: a piece of you will always live in me. Even if I never carried you child, even if I was never married to you, even if I was never an official pair to you ... I loved you immensely, and to this day the feeling carries an echo through my heart.

Forever will I always be reminded of the very few nights we spent together, hearts and limbs entwined in a soul-embrace, drenched in the salty darkness of an evening by the beach ... or a kiss under the rain. Whenever I get the feeling of a dark glass puncturing my heart, you will be there. That piece of you... bleeding the eternal love that once lived in me ... and still remains.

.. for Heri