There's Only Me

Listening to: "There's Only Me", Rob Dougan

You're all I want.
You're all I need.
You're all I've got.
All I see.
It won't be long.
'Till sudenly
you'll find he's gone.

And you'll turn around and see.
There's only me,
from whom there's silence in your heart.
There's only me,
waiting patient to the last.

You wait and see.
One day your love will surely start.
You'll turn around,
you'll find when everyone departs.
There's only me.

You walk in the room.
You take you scat.
You don't turn around.
You don't see me.
I'll make hime go.
You'll find one day he'll disappear.
You'll turn around.
And find that not a soul is here.
There's only me.

The irony of this does not escape me. This harbringer of looming heartbreak... while he's out there, on the road of black rainclouds.

Días como hoy...

* Me doy cuenta que cada día son menos los que me entienden - o menos son los que yo creo que me entienden. Gente con la que alguna vez tuve un "sobreentendido" (como un entenderse sin palabras, ese click especial entre amigos) de pronto me encuentro con que distan mucho de poder ver lo que sucede detrás de esta fachada.

---> Seguramente NINGUNO de los que lee esto es una de esas personas.

Sin embargo, los que sí se van quedando ^_^ son los que yo sé que pueden compartir un pensamiento conmigo, una filosofía de vida. Son los que saben lo que está pasando. Gracias por estar ahi!


* Me siento un poco perdida en el espacio. Supongo que es normal cdo no hay mucho que hacer.

* [Días como hoy] es mejor ir a mi otro blog. Es mucho más interesante. ¬_¬

unos cuantos puntos ....

. El tapón de esta mañana, absurdo absurdo absurdo. Por culpa de él ponché un minuto tarde (creo q aquí redondean a cuarto de hora, si es así, bye bye $2.50). Aun así, mi iPod me jugó las cartas bien, y a pesar de los calambres menstruales (disculpen el exceso de info), pasé medio tapón escuchando Tom Waits (se lo dije a Eze el otro día: "I finally got him, too bad I had to get him while I am high.").

.. Estuve comentándole ayer a Eze que si mal no capto, suelo escribir en este blog sólo cuando algo me está rompiendo la madre en la cabeza, cuando algo me jode de más, cuando estoy triste o en crisis. Los momentos en que me estoy sintiendo bien no los registro aquí (no sé a cuánta gente le ocurre, pero desde la adolescencia la crisis me ha resultado muy buena musa). Lo curioso de todo este asunto es que quien me lea va a pensar que ando en una depresión constante, en una crisis sin fin ... y no, es 50-50, no se equivoquen. De todos modos, me estoy sintiendo mejor, no sé qué fue lo q hizo click en mi cabeza. Tan pronto reciba mi plan médico (si todo va a mi favor: 21 de mayo) montaré una búsqueda de psicólogos, a ver si alguien me puede ayudar a descifrar qué es lo q me pasa realmente. Gracias a Code por su consejo (nuevamente). Hay cositas q aunque a una no le gustan cuando se las dicen, tienen sabor a verdad, un trago amargo de esto de vez en cuando es lo q despierta a uno de el estupor de la auto-pena (papi estaría muy de acuerdo).

... Hoy me dejaron sola y tranquila en el trabajo, trabajé un poco más de lo usual (si, en tiempo pasado, que es cómico pq no es ni mediodía, y lo q trabajé de seguro fue como 3 horas y media). Pero es un buen cambio, desde la semana pasada tenía a "los muchachos" (asi le llamo a los técnicos, q cosa tan afectiva! :-P ) aca en mi área todo el tiempo, y ya llega el tiempo en que YA BASTAAA! vayanse a trabajar! a veces tener al lado alguien que te está hablando y montando conversación sin tu buscarla, enferma un poco. Más si son por 6 días casi consecutivos.

.... Pronto es la graduación de high school de mi hermana. Esto incluye un baile de graduación. Un baile para el cual no tengo nada q ponerme. Definitivamente no quiero ponerme falda. He visto par de sets de pantalón la cosa mas chula, pero gastarse $50 para algo q rara vez vas a usar? :-S ugh! esto me recuerda la razón por la que odié tanto mi propio prom.

..... Ayer me fui en un viaje de "recuerdos". Saqué mi maletita de CDs y me puse a rebuscar entre los de multimedia - en específico múltiples backups a través de los meses/años de trabajo aquí, antes de mi hiato y consecuente cambio de laptop a desktop PC. Encontré de todo, y creo q pronto me pondré a "remasterizar" (jaja! si, seguro) las fotos para subirlas a cualquiera de las paginas disponibles.

...... Dos links q valen la pena: Apple Geeks y Return to Sender

I am sitting here with very little that I can actually say, but many emotions broiling inside.

Sometimes you wish for things that you can't actually sustain, not in a practical, realistic matter. However you dream of it, wish for it... want it so bad that you start feeling it won't happen. You get so used to things getting botched or fucked up halfways, that you figure it will happen so in your life always.

Growing up does things to you, it also changes your dreams and your aspirations. Very few things stay the same as the dreams you had when you were a child. At least I know that in my dreams and lifelong goals for my life, the core value of what I want is the same: I want to be happy, lead a happy life. What I see as happinness has changed through the course of time, and many of the decisions I have taken, the big ones, have been in pursue of what I believe to be my happinness.

Somewhere along the line I read or heard one of those chain letters that tend to take up precious bytes in your inbox, it said something along the line of being happy now, instead of when we actually acquire whatever it is we believe could make us happy. It was a good advice, surprisingly, and would be the key to many a miserable existence. However, it is more difficult to follow than it seems at first.

Maybe because of our human condition, maybe because we're greedy little monkeys, but thing is: we are never happy enough with what we have. We are always looking for new ways to make our life better, to be more content with our existence. I guess this is how science and technology came to be. It's all good until it touches your private life.

I have hurt the one I love. Somehow I made him feel that he wasn't good enough, and how far from the truth!

Tonight, however, I have yet to find the right words to soothe the wound. I am at loss for words, even if the emotions broil away, scalding the edges of my throat.

I have been so besotted with the whole notion that he and I are alike in so many ways, that we get along fabulously, that I haven't felt as happy and comfortable with someone else ... that something got lost in the way. Maybe I forgot to ground myself in reality and keep it in mind that we are not one and the same, that when such relationships happen, inevitably someone will get hurt at some point. Such is real life, such is love. And such are human relations: you should never trust another more than you trust yourself. No one can carry you better than your own two feet.

I think that right about now I should be dropping the pink shades and pour the watery piña colada down the drain. Reality may have a bite to it, but it is ultimately what we all should be partaking on.

Honeymoon's over, Diana. Time to wake up!

See-Saw

Watched Saw.



It's been the sickest movie I ever saw (pun intended, sorry)

My sister kept asking me over and over what I thought about it.

Still cannot answer, I just think it is very very sick. I think gore has started to turn me off, and the movie was predictable at the points where it was supposed to be scary. Unlike The Ring (both movies) which holds a certain artistic appeal to me ...



However, that one scene with the drug addict who's got her jaw hooked to the most twisted contraption I ever saw ... if the movie had been like that, a bit more like


The Cell...

maybe ... (hey! I do not think J Lo is a great actress or artist. I don't think she's even GOOD to start with, but the movie's visuals are lovely).

Also saw (in Saw) a tribute (?) to Dario Argento (Suspiria , in which there's a scene of a girl falling into a pit filled with barbed wire)...



This is a scene that stays with you forever.

If it wasn't a tribute, then James Wan should do a little research on the genre he's delving into.

Well ... I'm out! See you next time, in Diana's Horror Flickshow of Inconsistent Taste in Movies.

There's still hope

These past few days I have been going through some "learning" experiences, mostly due to the emotional rollercoaster in me. The days have been of self-constraint and takin it easier than I normally would. Just turned my brain to Lo-Res. Let's play in Win 3.11 Mode.

Got an offer I cannot refuse: I lose? $20 .. I win? A nice wad of weed. Plus I get a free preview of things to come, which is not half bad. Actually, it's very very very good and promising, and makes the weekend seem brighter, more fun, yay!



This is the part where the movie gets all flowery and grooovay!

Anyways, this week I only work 'til Wednesday. I have Thur and Fri off (Christian boogaloo weekend, Spring Break and Fertility Festivities all rolled into one ... expect the Rabbit Inquisition soon).



Mom wants to go to Palmas on one of those 4 free days we get this weekend (thanks to Eostre).



Still, the plans are on hold since it could all interfere with our hostess's plans. So we'll see if I get a little sun or no sun at all this weekend (I'd rather stay in the shade).

Other than that, another thing showing profile possibilities this weekend is a meet with J. Possible exchange of Apple software (I might be getting Halo ... which probably means I might learn how to play something) ... and suddenly I crave coffee.

Auto

A lo mejor esta no era la idea. Pensar no es lo mismo q escribir, pero al menos a mi me ayuda. Que me pasa, q cada tanto tiempo peleo por nada, me hago un manojo de nervios, los temores afloran y me echo a llorar con una facilidad pasmante? La condicion de "mujer victoriana" se me sale por los poros cada quince dias y yo misma, si hago un parentesis y me miro desde afuera, me doy pena. Y como todos sabemos o debemos saber, la pena es "prima hermana de jodete" .

Por que me dan estos arrebatos de emocion colerica/melancolica? Le echo la culpa a los miedos, con mucha mas presteza a las hormonas, a veces a los demas (aunq casi siempre regreso a echarme la culpa yo misma, y termino sintiendome que me deberia morir y me doy pena otra vez, y asi por el estilo). La mente mia corre con una facilidad increible, no se a que edad cogi la costumbre de esperar lo peor. A lo mejor fue cuando lo peor estaba sucediendo. En todo caso, un pasado inconveniente no deberia ser excusa para crearme calamidades imaginarias cada dos por tres en el presente.

El problema es que aun no he creado un mecanismo de escape, negacion, solucion y/o distraccion para estos ataques de imaginacion hiperactiva. Algunas veces he logrado vencerla con distracciones, una suerte de desenfoque de lo que me esta sucediendo, para luego regresar a la situacion refrescada y con un punto de vista un poco mas logico. No siempre se dan estas distracciones, cuando se dan es sin querer, no se como procurarmelas.

Entiendo, sin embargo, que la solucion no esta en las distracciones, que seguramente llegue a ella el dia que mi mente deje de jugarme las trastadas que me juega cuando las circunstancias se unen con ese "yo no se que". O el dia que llegue a entender exactamente por que me pasa eso. No se cual de las dos esta mas dificil, se me ocurre que entenderlo es mas asequible.

Pero no se relacionarlo con nada. Una imaginacion hiperactiva, hasta el momento, no se ha determinado como una enfermedad o condicion. De chiquita solia ser una cualidad positiva, se prestaba para el aprendizaje rapido y creativo. De adulta me causa mas problemas que otra cosa, especialmente porque ya no se por donde canalizarla, por donde darle salida a las imagenes que me cruzan la mente. Ademas, la imaginacion me llego al punto de dejar de ser fantasiosa, para empezar a estar templada por las experiencias anteriores, los golpes de la realidad de un adulto ser humano. Por eso a veces anhelo (no extra~o, ANHELO) regresar a mi ni~ez. Las complicaciones eran mucho menores. los miedos eran pocos, y siempre habia alguien que, no importa que tan insignificante el temor o la preocupacion, estaba dispuesto a sentarte en su falda, acurrucarte, limpiarte las lagrimas y decirte que todo iba a estar bien. Esos son lujos que nadie se gasta ahora, ni pedirlos (porque sabes que nadie lo va a hacer por ti, y te van a ver como una loca ridicula) ni hacerlo (porque el orgullo de adulto, el enjuiciamento instantaneo de lo ajeno, las preconcepciones de lo q debe ser un adulto son cosas que se nos indoctrinan en la pubertad y quedan grabadas en nuestro subconsciente).

Ya en algun momento bastante reciente llegue a la conclusion de que tengo serios problemas en adaptarne a la adultez. Tanto en el aspecto de las responsabilidades, como en el manejo de las relaciones afectuosas. Aun me queda un dejo rebelde de mis actitudes adolescentes y tambien un poco de las expectativas romanticas de la vida. No se, honestamente, como eliminar eso. No se inclusive si deba de hacerlo meramente porque se hace incompatible con los epitomes de la madurez en la mente de quienes me rodean.

Fuera de ese fallo de adaptacion de mi parte, no se que es lo que rige mis exabruptos hiper-emocionales. Hormonas? Podria ser, pero ya esto es algo que se sobra, se que sufro de Sindrome Pre-Menstrual hasta cierto punto, mas en el sentido fisico que en el emocional. Por eso se me hace raro ya pensar q las hormonas son las causantes de esto.

Mirandome mas de cerca, no se me ocurre pensar en algun factor de mi vida presente que me haga realmente infeliz. Tengo una familia bastante afectiva y unida (con sus dos o tres desaveniencias que esperarse, eso pasa con los divorcios). Tengo un novio inmejorable (a punta de haber estado "buscando" y tratando con mas de una docena durante poco mas de diez a~os). Tengo un trabajo que, aunq no me apasiona, tampoco me molesta e inclusive hay dias que me siento feliz alli. Tengo planes de recomenzar mis estudios para poder hacer, aunq sea a tiempo parcial, lo que SI me apasiona. Osea, no es una vida perfecta, pero no hay nada de que quejarse tampoco.

Sera a lo mejor que ya estaba tan acostumbrada a que algo andara cagado en mi vida, q ahora encontrandolo todo "arreglado" me sienta en necesidad de da~ar algo? Sera de esos miedos aterradores de que sea todo demasiado bueno para ser verdad y este tratando de forzar un "despertar de este sue~o"? Sera q no me atrevo a aceptarlo todo como es y ser realmente feliz a tiempo completo, sin necesidad de dramas ni crisis mayores? Esta ultima opcion me suena un poco a realidad. A lo mejor me malacostumbre por a~os a que el drama es significativo de que estoy viviendo la vida de modo consecuente. A veces, en tiempos tranquilos, me miro y me da la ansiedad de querer hacer algo distinto, me da miedo a caer en la rutina, en un "comfort zone" que me convierta en una conformista. Es algo subconsciente casi, un relampago de duda que luego se desvanece sin dejar rastro ... o si deja rastro y esto es lo q es?

En cuyo caso estoy del carajo, porque no me conformo con ser feliz, tengo q ser feliz y excitante?

Y en cuyo caso tendria que disculparme con los que me rodean, porque a la larga o a la corta, ellos (mi familia, mi novio) son mi pilar de fortaleza. Y por mas jodido que todo lo anterior suene, una cosa tengo muy clara, y es que no deseo perderlos, ni por un segundo se me ocurre eso.

De algun modo tengo que acoplarme y acostumbrarme de que una vida accidentada no necesariamente te hace feliz, y que una vida con sus peque~as rutinas, sus "comfort zones" esporadicos. no necesariamente te hace un conformista.

Tengo que dejar de pensar en los miedos, dejar de recurrir a ellos como algun modo de autotormento para sentirme mas cautelosa, mas preparada. Tengo q dejar de ver las cosas como un preparativo para lo peor. "Lo peor", o lo q muchos definen como tal, me ha pasado ya en par de ocasiones, pero continuo viva y clinicamente aun en mi salud mental. Preocuparme por "lo peor" nuevamente no va a evitar que suceda. Tan solo me va a amargar "lo mejor". El presente.

nymph

... this constant state of ... awareness... worries me....

I just received my final paycheck from Evertec. Over a thousand dollars, something which, trying to calculate back and forth, doesn't make much sense to me. Not even if the next X-mas bonus cme included. However, I am not one to throw away a blessing, so this little fat piggy is going to bed ... a nice comfy bed in a bank, of course. Eze suggested that I put that check into a separate account and start growing an educational fund for myself. Not half-bad idea. That and the tax return I'm getting **gleeful smile over here**.

Maybe I'll be able to go through my studies with little economic discomfort. Let's pray for that. Ah-menn!

It has been maybe two or three weeks ... I don't know for certain how much time has passed, but it has been long enough since I last had some decent "quality" time alone with Eze. It hasn't been his fault, really: work is always there in the foreground, specially these last few weeks (anniversary celeb coordinations and such) and almost a whole week of being sick hasn't helped much. Plus my own birthday, which was a time of gathering, but left little time for us to spend alone.

I miss him, and he keeps asking me why do I miss him, since we spend about 3 or 4 nights a week together. But, at least to me, sleeping with someone doesn't necessarily qualify as "time together". And these past few times, be it my fault, his or no one's, the only time we spend together alone is in bed or in the car en route to someone's house or to meet someone. All that is fine, such is real life, but ... I can't help feeling something is amiss.

Lately, we have grown a bit less tolerant of each other, we fight with more ease, and I can't figure out for the life of me if it is due to too much time together, or too little. Doesn't mean I love him less, on the contrary, I grow more and more attached to him (even if he says he isn't ready for a full committment ... I can wait...)

It scares me to think that he might grow weary of me, even if he says he won't (romance always makes a promise that real love will break). I know I can get to be overbearing, but I cannot help it. I like being close to him, to see him smile, and more than that, to see him smile at me. These last few days, problems have clouded that smile over ... which I can understand but still pierces my heart to see.

I have asked him many times to set a weekend aside so we can get away. It's always something To Do but it is never done. The urgent things always come first. And it will always be such, 'cuz this is REAL LIFE, and as such, urgent things will ALWAYS come first. Problem is: I am ready to burst. I have to get out of my house for a longer time than just a fortnight, have to get out of San Juan ... have to drive out onto the road (a road that was my friend on countless occasions, a relaxer, a therapy) ... I think I might have to take that trip alone. One thing I did not realize when I fell in love with Eze is that I fell in love with someone who's got an unbudging passion for what he does. I love that about him. His Saturdays are totally committed to his radio program (except on one occasion, something that I am almost sure he regrets). I totally respect that and admire it. Might as well just live with that, pack my things, and set out for the sunset alone. At least for a weekend. At least for a while. Maybe some seabreeze will open up my mind and clear the cobwebs.

Maybe I can come back a refreshed person, someone who will stand by strong and undemanding. I think that first I have to tend to myself.

A bit of foresight

Spring is almost full blown here, and there have been some changes in my life, and a few others are afoot. I feel a stable period in my life settling down, however it doesn't stop being exciting.

1) A few weeks ago I returned to my old job. It has been almost surreal but at the same time a natural move. It almost seems as if I had never been away. I feel much calmer, my constant depression is not so constant anymore... I am even getting my self-confident-groove back ;-) Maybe the changes are not so noticeable to those who see me on a weekly or monthly basis, but those who surround me in my day-to-day life know that the bouts of depression and constant rage fits are pretty much gone.

2) My sister is graduating from high school on may. Now this is one of the big reasons I didn't want to leave the island. To be able to see my baby sister bloom into the world of college. To see her shed her high-schooler skin (I bet it will be a rather slow process). I am very glad I will be there.

3) Summer is almost here, and with it, the dead days at work. Slacking off will be a major activity. And I like that (I am a total work-bum, I know).

4) Soon I will be able to gather money enough to take at least one photography course ... maybe even pursue the whole degree in Escuela de Artes Plásticas. Plus Felo (a friend of ours) just asked me to decorate his room (for starters) which will give me a fine letout for the artistic antsies in me.

Small antsies to fill your day

Eze is sick: bronchitis to be exact. Which worries me a little and I kinda feel responsible for that. All that smoking near to him could not have done anything but help this condition along. :-( And this week in particular was not the best for him to get sick (work obligations and such), which makes the matter more disheartening.

I already miss him, and it hasn't been even 24 hours since I last saw him. :-(

Eze, here's to hoping you feel better very soon...

Nothing to complain about

I have to count my stars, regarding my family and friends. There have been times in my life in which I've felt very alone, or compelled to be something different than what I already was, do things differently than I would do by myself, to please those around me.

Yesterday proved that I finally found a real home in the hearth of my friends'and loved ones'hearts.

Between my mom, my sister and my boyfriend, they planned a lunch/dinner/brunch? to be remembered. I'd say that the only persons missing for real were my father and his wife. It would have been sheer perfection then. Some people missed this bash, and to them I give my thanx. Those of you who were meant to go or wanted to go but couldn't, thanx too. I know I'm surrounded by love, be it near or far.

I can't really say much about yesterday, nothing would make justice to my astonishment at the whole bunch of people that attended and were there for me. It just boggles my mind that much.

Pepe and Mari also had a little surprise waiting for me at Borders in Escorial. Thanx to you 2 too (and to Leo and Velmi for being there!).

I have nothing to complain, really. I have a job that I enjoy (or at least it gives me TONS of time to do thing I enjoy), incredibly great friends, a wondeful family and an exceptionally loving boyfriend (I love you, Eze) ... who by the way, was there in high spirits and a big smile in spite of feeling like shit. Totally invaluable, what you did for me, Eze. THANK YOU!

Kisses for all, I will do my best to return the expressions of affection to each and every one when the time comes! :-D

Counting down

... to 27. Suddenly mistery surrounds me, everyone's slithering around, planning and keeping secrets, giving me half truths. Mind you, I'm not complaining. It's actually very funny. But it still amazes me that they go to such pains to give me, in the end, a good time. Just 'cuz I turn 27.

Old, down-the-hill 27. It's funny how different the real "27" seems from the "27" I imagined 10 years ago. I feel younger and less committed to society's norm than I thought I would be.

I do not have the proverbial suburbia house with the office-mongering husband, the 2.5 kids and the Labrador dog in the backyard and calico cat in the house. I do not have a job to which I go every day clad in a gray suit and silver earrings, gelled hairstyle and an attitude to boot. I have not given up the music I listened to 10 years ago, and most of the dreamy love for life is still very much there, stronger still.

I do not feel older than 17, even if the gray hairs are peeking through the black dye and the extra pounds have installed themselves comfortably around my waist and hips. I still feel I have a lot ahead of me. I am not yet "made", and don't plan to be for a long while. My goals for life are not yet definite, my choices in life not yet definitive. I still want to have fun, I'm not yet done with that.

I still feel, deep down, in my heart, that I would love to go back to 21 years ago in my life.



Still a kid at heart.

Saying Goodbye

I remember getting on that plane with my father. After saying goodbye to mom and my brother and sister, my heart ached and tears poured out of me with utter ease. I knew I would be visiting family, that I wouldn't be lonely, that pleasant times were ahead. But I couldn't help crying. Every time I get on a plane I can't help but look back a little.

My father turned to me and explained this phenomenon to me in one sentence: "Decir adiós siempre es morir un poquito."

He must know ... and so do I.


It hurts a lot more when a sunset follows you around the globe.