Deserved Self-Bash

I can't help but to feel that every time I burst out into one of my temper tantrums I'm being unfair to those around me, those who love me. I keep bashing mindlessly, unaware of the unfairness of what I say, of how I make others feel. Of how I have made him feel. I keep saying over and over how special he is to me, however my actions, my temper tantrums, my claims make him feel shitty. I need to control this,

I need to be able to place myself in his shoes, be able to see that I am not the only thing in his mind. Be able to remember however that he loves me, that I am important to him as he is to me.

Here I am, amongst people I couldn't care less about, and he is in his bed, perhaps sleeping, perhaps not in bed and working, I don't know. But I know he felt like shit, and I hope he doesn't anymore, but only he will be able to say when we get in contact again.

In the meanwhile, all I know is that THIS feels like shit. THIS feels like hipocrisy embodied. This feels like something I don't want to be doing, somewhere I don't want to be at. All I want is to do, either from near or from afar, is to reassure him of how precious he is to me and how nothing but sweet he has been to me. I can't complain. I am not complaining. But sometimes I move my mouth and all that pours out is a long whine, a big splotch of complain, bitch and rabble. Dear gawd, let me stop! :'( I can't bear to hurt him any longer, this is not what he deserves. He deserves better, he can do better than this. I will try to reach that approppriate level of "better", be worthy of him, make him feel the way I feel he is to me: precious, adorable, pricelessly and perfectly un-perfect but totally perfect in my eyes in every single way.

Apparently...

I just learned how to take a good picture.

That up there is my stepsister, only nine months younger than I am and already married. Terribly frightening, no? Yes! But I wish her the best and hope the guy doesn't give me reason to rip his guts out with my brow tweezers.

Contrary to what may seem by the pic, the wedding was ...
... I have no idea, I didn't go to the wedding.

I took this shot at the reception. And the reception was ... well, your typical rural party up in the mountains with lots of lechón a la vara and alcohol and drunken idiots breaking into the party just to make asses out of themselves even if no one knows who they are. Yeah... at least Eze was there to give me moral support on that one matter plus he at last got to meet the other side of the family. He spent most of the time with my stepbrother gabbing each other's ears off about LOTR (which by the way I saw ROTK extended version on Saturday night, excellent experience, thanx Eze!). My sister went to the wedding party too, so at least there was some Campo representin' in tha houz (or somethin')

Let me know what you think of the pic. Those who are in dire need of a cheap photographer for their special occasions are welcome to ask. All I require is a lax dress code and free food (plus a moderate fee, won't ask for much). :-D

Things that make you go hmmmm...

- Like sitting listlessly at your job post, waiting for a service ticket to come up on screen, and suddenly noticing that the girl you've been eyeing for the past two days (the one you noticed not so much 'cuz she's cute, but more because she kinda looks like a thinner version of you and dresses like you and -today- is wearing a colored-dots skirt, and you're sure that you'd do her under the influence of a single Children's Panadol) is actually an architect. The envy/desire doubles.

- BTW: If the day goes on like this I might get to need that single Children's Panadol. My migraine is coming back.

- Plus I'm trying to remember the webpage Pepe used to upload his playlist on an html (quite automatically, I believe). But first I'd have to readjust some CD titles and etcetera. This Pod is a total mess. Currently listening to: Bring Me the Disco King - David Bowie...

- Feeling better overall, thank you. Passed two "fire-tests" in the last 18 hours, think I passed ok. One of them being, though, product of my utter clumsiness (ditzy me! I actually BELIEVE I have spent more time with this cell phone than I actually have)

- But still, utterly bored. I turn into fucking Chella I'm Bored from 8 to 5. Ewgh!

Snippets from Work

I have discovered a new fear. I don't know if it has to do with a dream I had some weeks ago, a dream so terrifying - it delved so deep into my own psyche. That day I woke up crying. I had dreamt this:

I was living in this sort of commune or apartment building with Eze. My sister lived there too, and a bunch of other friends. Eze and I were kind of moving our stuff from one apartment to the next (a kind of dumb move, I suppose). I was moving, in particular, some sort of grill or stove-top range on a rickety wheeled cart, kind of like a BBQ cart. Alfonso came in and told me how nice it looked where I had put it (whatever! I know, this isn't important to the whole dream). Then I decided to do the dishes (cannot escape that chore, not even in dreams). While I was doing them I see this big blur cross the hall by the kitchen and go straight to the backyard (yes, an apartment with a backyard, unusual but not impossible, ask Eze and Alfonso). I realize it's my Dad! And Eze is tailing him, carrying some boxes. I ask him "Did you just meet my Dad?" and he nods. Then I see him, my Dad, coming back to the house and I jump on him, all happy, as I would be if I saw him right now. Then I follow him outside, and I see he's traveling in this new, white Hummer. When I peek inside I see ... Mom :-S and my brother. My Mom's all prettied up and behaving all happy and coquettish, so I understand it from the dream that she and my Dad got together :-S? Ew! Anyways, I don't give it much thought, but then I kind of lean in to keep talking to my Dad and my Mom starts driving the Hummer! (that is DEFINITELY a dream, Mom can't drive a big car!). She's backing up and dragging me with the car. My ass is in the air and she's giving me a ride all around the block.

When I get back I go out with my sister. The funny thing about this compound is that it's more like an educational community that's sharing building space with a mall and smaller stores. Therefore it's got two access points: one through a bookstore (kind of like a crossover between Borders and Castle Books) and another through an abandoned alleyway right on the side of the mall. We use that one and it's more like a carpeted slide with hills and valleys (reminds me of the movie Toys). We slide down into the alleyway through a gaping hole hidden from the outside by bushes and tall grass.

When we try to go back in (don't ask me, the details of what we did outside are totally beside me) we find the hole in the alleyway and I go in first, but midway through the rise up into the compound I almost get stuck. The tunnel is getting smaller by the second. On me! I tell my sister to back down to the alleyway, that we would try the other access point, through the store.

We go into the store and I find it filled with people, with a sense of upheaval and change. Lots of the smaller stores are closed, and there's this ant-like crowd making lines to buy books. I remember then that the door to the apartment compound is the second to the left (the other doors lead to offices and such). But when my sis and I reach the second door all I see is this metallic-gray hall with an entrance like that of a bank safe and some handymen installing elevator lights right by the door. The hall beyond has no doors. I keep walking, pretty sure I am mistaken, but I arrive to the third door and find it as usual. I turn back and I can't find my sister! I faintly remember having seen her turn into the second door, no matter what. This terrifies me, I don't know exactly why, but I get desperate. I call her cellphone, looking among the crowd to find her red jacket, but the answer I get is a man. And I hang up because I know she won't be there. I call Eze, fearing the worst. Someone picks up. A man. Not him. And I know that them, my life, has disappeared forever.

This dream was bad in itself, it made me cry and see how much Eze and my sis (and my life as it is!) mean to me. But today I saw a wall where a door used to be and it struck the same chord. The change of structures, making access points disappear, sheer walls where the entrance used to be. Blocking the view, the mind, the knowledge, the existence of that which is meaningful to us. Terribly frightening indeed.

Worried about myself

Today has been the day of the weirdest reactions from me, ranging from psycho to desperately jealous over bullshit. I don't know where all of this comes from, I don't know why my emotional range is veering so sharply away from what my mind knows to be true. Why the doubt? Why the rage? Why the jealousy? Why this acrid sadness sticking at the back of my throat, choking me up, filling my tongue with a salty aftertaste of tears not yet spilled?
Why do my eyes water up at imaginary mishaps and heartbreaks? Why do I already feel heartbroken?
I feel lonely even if I'm constantly surrounded by people, even if I get calls every once in a while... I feel lonely inside myself. I think I need help, but I can't even bring myself to look a shrink up.
I don't know what I want. I want to get out of here, but I don't know where I wanna go. I feel heartbroken, but nothing's wrong in my sentimental life. I miss my Dad, but I don't feel like calling him more often 'cuz I don't know what to say (except "I miss you", but I've said that before, to no response at all, just a swift change of subject from him or his wife).
I feel lonely, but I want to be alone too. I feel neglected, but it doesn't mean I haven't been tended to. It can't be anyone else's fault. Just my own.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. Do I want to?

Intimacy

On Friday I realized what "intimacy" is really about.

Every year, since I joined the working class, a Christmas party is held. This varies in few details from one workplace to the next. The place, the people, the music, the drinks, the dress code... it all doesn't matter 'cuz it's for the same reason (drinking to your bowels' content on your employer's budget) and with the same excuse (Christmas spirit... bah, humbug, says I, but not for the same reason I used to 'til last year - more on that ... any other day).

Thing is that usually the message in the invitation and the motto during the party and the word rolling from one corporate tongue to the next is the same: "So we can get to know each other better, so we can share this moment together". But who does that?

One goes into the party more or less in small groups, or maybe alone but you eventually end up in the same group of people you work with. It is a strange occurrence if you get to meet new people, and if you do you will inevitably forget all about it by next week.

For some sad people, this party is the be-all end-all of the whole year festivities. They would rather be there than with their own family. For some even sadder people (specially women, and I included myself in this little group at one point, but no longer) it is an excuse to spend more time with their clandestine affair, maybe even dance a number or two "for the sake of Christmas spirit" ... oh, brother! You know that as soon as you scurry out of the place, both of you will scamper to the nearest motel, fuck your drunken brains out and then he will go home to his wife, and you will arrive all sad, alone and depressed to your own home

But last Friday I finally noticed the real scale with which intimacy works. At least in my life it has changed and it feels more appropriate now. I was feeling all out of sorts and lonely in there. I definitely don't fit in anymore, and the difference lies in that I don't want to anymore either. I scrammed out of there as soon as I noticed a lost call from (ironically) the one person that left me to arrive all lonely and depressed to my empty home at some point in my life. That one phone call was a lot more real than all I had experienced in that lousy party. And as soon as I got home, talked to my sister, brother, mom and boyfriend, that one phonecall lost relevance too. I finally understand where the core of intimacy lies. Not in sex, but in love. In family.

Under the Illusion

I was overhearing the TV this evening, a program on the History Channel on the theme of warfare. A soldier from this present age was talking about how cheap landmines proved to be, compared to tanks and other artifacts of war. He then flung around the extravagant sum of 40 million dollars: the cost of a single tank.

Which set me to thinking.

Have we really realized how costly it is to wage a war? Billions of dollars go into killing a foreign nation, toppling its government, instating a new one and keeping the order in general until opposition subsides. This bothers me greatly. This money could be used to improve upon the culture, infrastructure and knowledge of this nation, instead of being spent on squandering another. What bothers me even more, to the core of my beliefs, is that this great deal of money is actually being used for violent purposes - to kill people, if you will! Don't people see this is just another WWII situation? Of course, we're "the good guys" now, and no one has grabbed us by the balls, no jews are protesting in English, but our ears are quite deaf to any other language, no matter how loudly spoken. Apparently, "Mercy, please" doesn't count unless spoken in English. That's why no one is moved by these stories: no one has bothered to place the subtitles.

The other part of this that bothers me is that MY money, the money I earn each day as I wake up and make the goodwilled effort to go and work for, the money I spend in food, clothes, sometimes some little extras to make my life better... are directly or indirectly making someone's life far away much worse. I'm obviously referring to the silk road of Taxes. Each year, if you pay your taxes yearly, or each day, if you pay sales taxes... you pay the government a bit of what you earn, a bit of what you spend. We gripe about it, of course, but only because it is money we would rather have in our pockets so we can spend it in yet more things to make our life more pleasant.

I believe most people don't stop to think that with every bit that each one of us puts in, we're amassing a great sum of money. Money we're giving to the government. Money the government spends on war. Our money, our efforts, our sufferings are going bit by bit into making warfare. We work so Dubya can kill peole off. Wow.

Now I am not very comfortable with this. Actually, I disagree. So, do I stop paying my taxes? No, I can't. I would go to jail in a matter of a few years. We are actually paying taxes so they won't throw us into a cell. Our freedom is an illusion, it's bought! No matter what I do for a living, I have to pay taxes, otherwise it's considered illegal and prosecutable by law. This so-called freedom they sell you is not for free. It is not my born right. I have to earn freedom and actually agree, in principle, to kill those muslim motherfuckers, even if at heart I totally hate it and disagree with it.

So, what do we do? We live on, under the impression we're free, but we're not. We've been caged in a structure called society. We're all born the same way and brought into a societal structure into which we're educated for the final purpose of, at due age, integrating ourselves into the worforce and toil away at the turning wheels of the mechanism of war. We are The Big War Machine. Billions of humans wasting away under the impression of freedom, trapped into the mechanisms of the art of warfare.

Just a few steps away from Aldous Huxley's A Brave \New World.

Feeling better...

...although the problems do not cease to come in. My car's "check engine" light just came on today, but I doubt that something's wrong with the car. It could be more like something's wrong with the light.

Well, have taken good advantage of my new toys (40GB iPod and 3200 Nikon Coolpix) and will soon show for it. In the meanwhile, just wanted to jot down that this is one of those moments in which I feel pretty much stable, and in which I usually don't write at all.... well, I decided to, so as to leave evidence that those moments sure exist! ;-D

BTW: Gala died this morning. Mom bought another bird (a green and blue parrakeet that prefers to sit on the swing instead of the perch, bloody weird bird... what should I call her? I am accepting suggestions below! Soon I will post her photo too)

Cuando lo importante da paso a lo urgente

... según Mafalda (qué no daría yo por un scanner funcional para poder poner también el strip en cuestión).

Entre exabruptos y tantrums cáusticos, me he percatado de la mayor pérdida en este último mes y medio, lo que ha provocado esta sensacion de ansiedad (restlessness) en mí. No es la pérdida del tiempo libre (en un momento pensé que sería algo así), pero me veo progresivamente enredándome en la telaraña de la vida comunal/ejecutiva/empleocéntrica del yuppie. Poco a poco aplazando aquello que es importante para mí (el tiempo y energía que le dedico a mi familia, a mis seres queridos, a las cosas q me gustan, y - lo más importante de todo - a mí misma) para atender lo que es urgente. Ni siquiera se trata de tener más o menos días libres, de vacaciones, fuera de la oficina. Ya se va tratando de algo mental, psicológico.

Es decir: You may take Diana out of the office but you can't take the office out of Diana.

Eso es terrible! De pronto encontrarse en la cama a las 11PM intentando descansar y ver q no se puede pensar en nada más alla de lo q pasó durante el día en la oficina o los problemas sintomáticos del apego a ella. Es una de esas relaciones love/hate, y esto es enfermizo.

Necesito encontrar forma de desconectar y poder atender mis propios problemas en mi propio tiempo. Si no paso tiempo en la oficina, lo paso pensando en lo q sucedió, y peor aun: dreading to go back.

It's the end-all, be-all of my puny, little existence. ugh ...

Yuppie shite

Pues tengo q encontrar la forma de salir de eso, antes de empezar a pensar q sería bueno tener propiedades en Los Paseos. Tengo q poder encontrar la forma de q, aun estando dentro de la oficina, no se me olvide q lo q me gusta es el arte, q esto no me haga sentir miserable por no poder estudiarlo ahora, sino q me sienta bien pq no soy parte del rebaño de mierda de estos oficinistas en realidad. Que camino con ellos, pero sólo hasta el momento en q poncho. Que podemos ser compañeros, pero no tienen que conocerme. Que esto es solamente un trabajo, y no mi vida entera.

Tengo q encontrar la forma de desconectarme ... y lo voy a lograr.

My New Pets

The two lovers...



Dalí ...



... and Gala


The story is quite simple: I was doing errands (mostly bank errands, the most depressing and tedious errands of all kinds). I was at El Señorial Plaza (the most depressing mall, go figure, perfect place for the most depressing errands). I had just finished paying this month's installment for the car plus some late fees. I was walking back to my car and I passed by the pet store. Now, usually I'm not very fond of these places since they sell what will never be rightfully ours: another life. Plus they keep the dog-breeding industry alive while there are millions of stray/mixed-breed dogs out there begging to be adopted. Why have a snooty poodle when you can have faithful, playful mongrelSpot! :-D

Well, what caught my attention was a big cage with five tortoises (I love turtles and tortoises). It mostly caught my attention cuz these animals were outlawed years ago in the island (basically cuz of salmonella epidemics due to high contact with them). I was talking to Mom on the phone in the meanwhile and I was telling her all about it. I started touching one of them under the paw and it snapped at me! Nasty ho's!

Well, I turned my attention to the parrakeets. I have never been a fan of caged birds , but these two struck me as an explicitly happy couple. I put my finger to the cage, expecting them to screech in fear and scuttle away, but the male just got closer and nibbled at my finger softly. I was as hooked as I would have been with a pup.

I bought them and brought them home. Meet our new family members: Dali and Gala! :D

Re:

Why is it that for me, even if life has pulled me to and fro, I do not feel the weigh of past wounds... do I not learn?

Why is it that I pay no heed to consistent heartbreak, and make the same mistakes all over again?

I retain the same joy in loving, the same carelessness in throwing my heart away, in surrendering myself to the tiniest whims of emotions ... still a child at heart and not in the best sense.

I see others around me growing more cautious, even in love itself, incapable of the same innocent surrender they once were. In me I only see the same carelessness intertwined with a dark tendency to feel doom in the slightest cloud.

I have a belief that love will be love wherever you put it, however you feel it. That's why these "grown up" tendencies to be more cautious or more detached scare me so, cuz a hardened hard is just too easy to find... the easy way out of just feeling and living the most out of life.

Maybe I'm being to hard on the others, maybe I'm being immature at all .... this...

But to see the apples around me rotting away while I still work hard at keeping my own core intact ... it's frustrating, it breaks my heart.

And maybe this drama won't help at all, but one too many times I have seen people being spoiled for good by situations ...

Maybe one day I will be the old lady sitting in a corner smiling out the window, not caring at all, still feeling like a toddler, still remembering all except how she got into the assylum.

If only old age would get here fast, then maybe I will only see that the rotten apples around me resemble little dark hearts, wilted flowers, something out of a song, something that doesn't touch me ... by then only sunlight and breeze will touch me, and those never rot at all ...

Trading Spaces

Go to Anais's Travels for the serious stuff today.

This will only be a display of mirth and a subtle wish of owning this:



The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

It's 1961 and Dr. Paul Armstrong (Larry Blamire) and his lovely wife Betty (Fay Masterson) head into the mountains in search of a recently fallen meteor containing the rare element atmosphereum. Paul needs it to help him with his science work, but Betty'd just as soon have a vacation. Also in the area, sinister Dr. Roger Fleming (Brian Howe) asks trusty Ranger Brad (Dan Conroy) the whereabouts of Cadavra Cave, mysterious home to rumors of a legend of the Lost Skeleton." That night, both parties witness what appears to be yet another meteor falling. Immediately after, a local farmer is killed by a horrible, unseen thing. Is there a connection? Indeed there is. The second meteor is actually a disabled alien spaceship with a strange couple from the planet Marva, Krobar (Andrew Parks) and Lattis (Susan McConnell). These aliens discover they also need Atmosphereum to power their really high tech ship, and notice their horrible pet mutant (Darrin Reed), which they travel around with for some reason, has escaped. Unfortunately, Dr. Fleming discovers he also needs the atmosphereum to bring to life the dreaded Lost Skeleton of Cadavra which he finds in the cave.

After the aliens disguise themselves as earth people with the aid of their "transmutatron", Dr. Fleming swipes it and morphs four different forest animals into his own ally - the beautiful cat-suited Animala (Jennifer Blaire). Now everyone's after the atmosphereum and the Armstrongs find they have their hands full, capturing the mutant, stopping the evil scientist, and vanquishing the power-mad Skeleton who wants to rule the world.


Oh well....


I sleep now.

If we were in medieval times...

our roads and our highway would look like a BIG medieval joust field.



Our flags:



Our contenders:


But none of it will matter if this guy wins the elections!


Either of these two would be as bad!

Toy CAGA!

Por las elecciones, mas las de afuera (EU) q las locales ... let's hope for the best

Wish List

Mood: Nervous

.... but never mind...

Xmas Wishlist!


Tha new iPod! Black and red (very stylish color combo, absolutely LOVE it!) plus it's 60 gigas! NICE!


Blythe! Already found another fan in my group of friends, so we might as well join those doll-crazed freaks out there .... plus you only have to spend $80 to sign in! What a deal!

Well, up til now, my wishlist is up to $580 in spending, so I'm like ... $600 short ... ;-) See ya!

Hi Fi

I just wish these dreams would go away, it's the second time I dream about these things, I do not want them in my head. Recurrent themes. Ugh! I wake up with the feeling that the dream actually happenned, and it's a panicky feeling, like I fucked up or something. Thankfully, truth is better than fiction at these points.

My new beeper (yes, a beeper... I was handed one on Friday at 5PM... felt like being handed one of Rambaldi's devices, a museum item of sorts, a sun dial, something pricelessly useless) started beeping this morning at 6:30AM. What worries me is that this is the kind of activity that most technicians have to endure when they are on-call during weekends: get a call at 6AM on a saturday, wake up, go to the office or wherever, solve it ... u know, it's scary to see the line between your personal life and your work being blurred and lost like that. Thing is, it will happen to me. I am one of those chosen to be on call on a regular basis as soon as I am considered to be able to solve problems by myself.

If only ...

lost it ...

Tenia tantas ideas para escribir en este espacio hoy ... todas perdidas por una conversacion q no me esperaba ahora mismo ... por un relajo montado por mi usual autismo sintomatico cuando me conecto ...

Pensando un poco: en Florida estan votando hoy, no se por que ni los pormenores de esto. Papi estaba en esas. Votando. Por Kerry. Thankfully and let's hope he wins.

Can't concentrate .... FUCK THIS!

Cheers ... without the Jose Cuervo.

Listening to: Cheers Darlin' - Damien Rice
Mood: ... oh dear

This song had been looping in my head for a few days now, but I had totally forgotten who sung it or the name, everything had scrammed from my memory except the sorrowful despair that it carries. Should have assumed and trusted that Eze would include it in one of the MP3 CDs he made for me some time ago.

Now, why did it loop that way for so many days? Why am I feeling this particular way at times? So many things are going right, so many things have gotten fixed... this ungrateful little bitch sitting here cannot deal with a bit of sadness in the blood? Damn!

Here is the latest on how to fight boredom...

I don't even know what's going on really inside of me. I suppose automatically a disorder of sorts, usually blame myself, my neuron connections, my subconscious workings, I blame no one else... I never do. Whenever things aren't as pretty as one hopes, why do I start feeling doomsday weighing on my shoulder? Things start looking less pink... why does the gradient jump to gray?

Why do I make his memories my own... don't I have enough with what I have lived, with the baggage I bring to all this? It's almost beautiful how all of it merges into this big ball of dark glass and tears.

What this feels like: unexplainable. But it depresses, it sinks, it washes me in salt and vinegar. Until I feel jaded, sea-treated, like rusty metal ... like the things I love ... but when they cut, they kill. If only feelings were more organic, less shiny, then the luster wouldn't be gone that easily. Then it would all behave like the inside spiral of a seashell: always shiny, neverending.


How do you turn a chain into a seashell?

How do you erase your memory, how do you unchain yourself from all that made you who you are ... how do you get to be new again?

Cheers Darlin' - Damien Rice

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover boy
Cheers darlin'
I got years to wait around for you
Cheers darlin'
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
Cheers darlin'
You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention his name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were running the reins

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover man
Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can
Cheers darlin'
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers darlin'
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from here

I die when he comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...

Let the sun set on my tears

I spent this sunset at one of these:



... and I started thinking... that every time I spend a sunset or an evening at a Wendy's, the mood tends to set in gloomy and weird. At first I thought that it had something to do with the excess of windows and how it looks so dark outside, but then I remembered that other fast food places, like McDonals, have a deluge of windows, and I've never felt like that in one of those.

So I noticed ... the color scheme. All Wendy's restaurants have a color scheme in which blue-green is predominant, with other gradients of blue, and highlights in wine-red and pink (these highlights do very little to chipper up the place). Colors like blue and green are calm and, if the color scheme and lighting in which they are included are not taken good care of, they could very well end up being downright depressing. These color schemes are not your typical fast food colors. It has been proven that bright colors, like white, pink, orange, red and yellow arouse hunger and increase activity. These are popular amongst fast food places because people are not only compelled to eat more, but they also feel the need to move on. What's up with Wendy's? I don't know.

However, I did not need the depressing sunset on me today either. It has been a gloomy day, mostly my fault. I just wish I were a bit less emotional, a bit more pragmatic ... i just wish I didn't get so easily worked up and teary eyed over things as ephemeral as one day less, one hour less, a notch down the belt... things that shouldn't be at all of significance in the bigger scheme. I still feel, however, the need to cry more, and it worries me, cuz I have no reason at all to feel sad, not really. But things come to my head, excuses and reasons for the tears, fantasies of doom and gloom. Today has been an exercise of self control. Of wanting to cry more, just a bit more, and not being able to, so as to prevent more questions from falling on my head. Today has been a day of finally noticing that I am not always on the right. As a matter of fact, I'm mostly on the wrong and childish attitudes, irrational thinking, control my reactions. Today I noticed how easy it could be to ruin the most precious things in your life, the things you should be forever grateful for, with one tear too many. Today I feel it would be wrong to keep crying, but then I can't help it.

Today I feel like going into hibernation, hide from the monster in myself, and not come back until it sleeps again.

Divine Plan my ass!

However some things happen for no apparent reason, at least for the while. Then you notice that even if what's happenning is not entirely to your great benefit (although in this instance it isn't to my detriment either, fortunately), it is to the benefit of others, and that a little act of good will can open up doors for you.

Do not misinterpret, I do not mean economical doors or a favor owed to you (how convenient!) but more like... mental doors. Suddenly, a little act of good faith, letting go of fears and grudges, it makes you understand things apparently unrelated. Well, at least it happenned to me today. And I am thankful that at last, out of a particular situation that wasn't the most pleasant, I was able to extricate a bit of meaning, a bit of value to my favor.

The value of true empathy over something that was otherwise not so totally clear... well, now it is.




Yet again, I wish to apologize for my cryptic tone, but sometimes, just sometimes... you just can't get rid of a bomb!