Of smoke, hommos and water

The weekend was varied, to say the least.

Friday



Went out with a very good friend. Had some Chinese food, went to Border's (ran into another friend in the meanwhile) and then took him home. Had a very nice, extended talk that evening. All this while battling the evil hordes of water droplets. It never stops raining. It would be my pleasure to say more about this particular outing, but things not to do with me, but much more to do with him, have proved to be delicate at best. I'd rather not fan the fire, and instead thank him for a great evening.

Saturday



Woke up with a mighty headache. Had to stay in bed most of the day (except to get in the car and take the mail to my grandmother's house, and pick up ours, which wasn't there... oh the fun! ¬_¬)

After waiting for Eze for what seemed like eternity (I was missing him a LOT), he picked me up and we went for a wonderful dinner at El Cairo (Arabic food). Nine months already... ^_^ it's been terrible, and wonderful, and beautiful, and confusing and ... just about everything at once. Still a lotta things to come, and I'm looking forward to all of them.

He tried calling his house a few times, and since he got no answer from anyone, we set our way to Toa Baja to check on his family. Thankfully, they were ok and having a quiet night in.

We then set back to Santurce, stopped at Isla de Cabra (right by the entrance, the place is closed) to see San Juan from another point of view (beautiful, but too crowded), and then it was straight to his apartment. (...) <-- censorship is a bitch, huh? SHUT IT!



Sunday



We woke up at about 10 AM or 11, can't recall. Eze's idea for the day was going to Cubo, where the anniversary is taking place, to help Alfonso do some stuff for the stage and soundproof the place a bit (feedback monster prevention). I asked him to take me home: I wasn't feeling my best to have a day spent at woodwork.

Thing is that on the way, Eze received a phone call from the tech on schedule at the radio station. The girl was in hysterics: the place was getting flooded. We headed there immediately. And no wonder she was hysterical: there was at least an inch of water covering the hallway. I was aghast, couldn't say anything already. When we went into Eze's office, it was even worse ... the water was rushing out of the record room (the place where the station keeps all recordings of the programs transmitted, EVER). We couldn't see what was going in there, we had no key to the room, the lights were off, and scarier still, the door's glass was fogged. All you oculd hear was a rush of water in there, like a shower. Scary.

After a while, when they turned on the lights and could go into the room, we saw that the ceiling had collapsed: the A/C ducts had become engorged with water and had burst ! It was a ghastly sight... and depressing. It was saddenning to see all these people: Eze, his coworkers and supervisors, watch helplessly as water still drizzled over a 25 years' worth of work. My heart goes out to them. I tried helping, but the cold water plus the A/C still on full blast coaxed out what could have become a full-blast cold. Thankfully, Eze took me home soon enough (in the way bought me a carton of orange juice) ... i slept the rest of Sunday and I felt way better.

Eze: Thanx for being there for me, even when I'm not exactly all there for you all the time. Nine months have proved to me that this relationship not only has the solid qualities of a long-time relationship, but still retains the magic of the first few months. Maybe the times we can have just the two of us are few, but they make up for it. I'm looking forward to many many more months, years, AGES! with you ("AGES" ... sound more like a menace, huh?) I LOVE YOU!

w34t|-|3R R3p0R+

... and then some ...

Day seems to have grown prettier, but it's all temporary. According to the newslady that lives in the TV set downstairs in the lunchroom, it's scheduled to start raining later on tonight. Bummer.

However, I really hope it waits 'til just then, I have my hopes up to go walking in the park. Three consecutive days doing excercise at home is fucking BORING!

Tonight, it's plans with a friend, tomorrow plans with Eze (9 months already ... we're ready to give birth! yay! ... what to? I dunno!)

Poor Eze has been having difficult days at the office, specially with the student protests outside (operations at UPR have been paralized for perhaps 2 weeks? now. My brother hasn't had any classes since then, the semester is foreseen to be finalized by the end of the first week of June, and perhaps summer classes will be suspended).

And also with my irritability factor and small outbursts ... but I think I might be learning to keep them small-scale and under control. Hopefully, no permanent damage has been done.

All this week, I've been reading the Megatokyo webcomic. From the start. Still a long way to go: 7.25.2002 frame right now ... damn this is LONG! But fun! only drawback (or is it a blessing?) is that I've learned how to read 1337 5p34|< (and write some, dammit!)... which qualifies me as a quasi-nerd, hahaha!

My mom has been staying home for the past 3 days... which in part is good, this keeps her in light spirits, and doesn't get much on my nerves anymore.

About the dashboard situation: waiting for the dash piece and the check, all in good time.

Hopefully I will start taking photos again pretty soon. I'm feeling the need for some camera action (behind the lens). yeah.

Well, since I have no more to say for now...





[listening to] "Elements", Lemon Jelly (Lost Horizons, 2002)

Shoot Mana's lead singer in the balls, please!

... sigue lloviendoooo, sigue lloviendo al corazón...

DIE MUTHAFUCKAH! BOOM!

Eniweis, no, no ha parado de llover, empezó el lunes con un atardecer temprano y un poco de lluvia en la noche, y hoy, miércoles, se ha convertido en el diluvio bíblico que presagia el fin de los tiempos (sí, sí, ver como escogen a Darth Sidious como Papa está un poquito cabrón).

En todo caso el diluvio este me obligó a agarrar la pieza del dashboard que tenía tirada en el asiento de atrás y conectarle los plugs a ver si funcionaba el aire y ... Eureka! Funcionó. Al menos ya no tengo q pasar calores (la razón menos contundente) ni sufrir sustos de choque pq no veo a través de los cristales empañados (razón determinante para provocarme a agarrar la pieza violada de dashboard y colocarla mal colgada del hueco que quedó ahi).

He leído par de comentarios sobre las méritos de no tener aire acondicionado en el carro a favor de mis estudios, etc etc ... sí, les agradezco las opiniones, pero a la hora de la verdad se trata de un carro al que le faltan 3 años por pagar ($323 mensuales), relativamente nuevo, y q me ha costado un tanto de trabajo mantener, cuidar y pagar. Si me quejo no es por no tener aire. Me quejo pq ahora mismo lo q tengo de carro no es lo q yo estoy pagando, y todo pq un jodío tecato se quiso dar un cantaso con los $10 q le deben haber dado por mi radio de fábrica.

Las buenas noticias son que el taller donde me van a arreglar el dashboard aceptó el estimado de la aseguradora. Ahora falta llevarle el papeleo a la aseguradora para que me den el cheque. Ha sido un poco lento el proceso, pero preferible que sea asi, cuestión de no desmadrarme los nervios (bastante tengo con las miradas de reproche de mi madre pq por este mismo incidente no he podido aportar gran cosa a la economía de la casa este mes).

Sigo aun con la sensación de impasividad que mencioné antes. Supongo q según comience a sangrar (perdonen lo gráfico) se me quitará esta anti-pejiguera.

BTW: soy yo o el blog de delunesaviernes ya no está?

Weekend Ahoy

... or something ... which I'm not particularly looking forward to. As a matter of fact, as of late I haven't been looking forward to much, the excitement and yearning for certain things has kinda dulled out. I don't know if it has anything to do with the car incident. However, I am not complaining: sometimes this lack of passion is a good (but weird) respite from the usual excess of emotion. Being cold every once in a while never killed anyone.

One thing I do want to do is take my camera to CompUSA to get checked. The lens won't open and the display says "Lens Error!" (duh! no shit!). Let's see how fast they are with this shit. Tomorrow I'll find out.

Eze suggested we go tonight to "our park" (yay, pink hawaiian flowers rain on us and a ukulele starts playing the theme for Love Story... ¬_¬). Still, it might be good for my current mood to change a bit the routine and have some quiet time with him. It's something that's not on the offing all that much lately.

I'm guessing this overly calm mood is premonition to another one of my storms. At least I forewarned myself! Hahaha!


Nice lights, bub!

Let's see how things turn out eventually.

Car Innards

... yeah, that would be the inner cabling and air conditioning system inside the dash console of my car. Most of it which is showing right now.

Last Friday (very late Friday, perhaps ridiculously early Saturday) some drug-addicted bum broke my car window and recklessly tore out my radio. In the process he kinda fucked up my dashboard, the repair of which the cost is ascending to nearly $800 (and I really hope the insurance company will cover this, but I can't be 100% sure).

In the process I lost my Monday work-day to fix the window (a new glass-sheet plus installation: $160 --- slightly cheaper than i expected) ... but the cost of repairing the dashboard is not-so-slightly more expensive than I would have liked. And much more than the initial estimate by the insurance company.

The whole incident took place while my car was parked in front of Eze's apartment building. No wonder, really, since it is placed smack in the middle between an old-tradition, old-money community (Sagrado Corazón) and an old-timer slum (Villa Palmeras). Some time ago Eze had had a similar incident: he had left his car doors open and someone hopped in and tore the radio out too (dashboard intact, though, and he got saved the trouble of cleaning up window glass shards). Weeks later someone (for the life of me, I don't know why!) tore out the passenger side's rearview mirror (why why why?).

It should have showed me, I should have learned enough to be always very aware to remove the radio's faceplate every time I hopped off the car when I parked there. But that night, my mind was elsewhere. Far removed from all that was logical and sane. I arrived in a very bad mood, and it was not improved by the incidents thereafter. Next morning, however, the mood did not improve, it was totally fucking changed by just glimpsing into my car and see little glass shards hanging like leftover pie crusts from the windowsill. I screamed, I cried ... yeah, I had to let it all out, to the expense of looking like a whiner, crybaby, yeah, call me whatever you want. I even went to the extent of wallowing for a few minutes in the self-pitying inner rant of "why me? why do these things keep happenning to me? first the fire and now this?!"

Yeah, thankfully, I got that out of the way. At least now I can keep a bit more of bounce in my spirit, although beeing able to clearly see my car's dashboard guts spilled onto the passenger seat puts a damper on my mood (yesterday, when they handed the car to me after the carnage, just to get a better and clearer estimate, I started crying again, more out of feeling for the car... I dunno if it's normal, but I love my car... emotionally attached to my vehicle, my horse, my steed... yeah... green love. Funnier still: she has no name).

Anyways, I have to personally hand in the body-shop's real estimate to my insurance person and see if they approve of the whole deal. Otherwise, I might as well kiss my educational fund-savings goodbye (for the most part), since 800 is a bit over half the money I had there.

Well, worse things have happenned to me, so ... "smile like you mean it."

BTW: Eze, PLEASE stop feeling guilty over this, alright? I think that if we round up every lousy bum in Santurce (and there will be a lot of them) we might find the culprit because of the look of dejected surprise in his eyes. Who in his right mind goes to all the trouble of yanking a radio out of a well-secured dashboard just to find it is a factory-installed radio, no frills, and that it is worth junk (or just one night's worth of heroine)? An idiot... a junkie... and a very surprised one at that. Miracle enough it is that he didn't come back to trash the rest of the car out of anger!

Gaming Baby

The past few weeks ("weeks", I think, though it could have been days) I've been telling Eze that I want to start delving into the "gaming world". All of this thanks to my coworkers and their relentless addiction to World of Warcraft.

Well, Eze was excited about me wanting to try, so he's setting me up into a gaming crash course. For this purpose, yesterday he bought for me/invested/gave me ... ummm there's no way to make that sound pretty (I owe you, Eze!) a Gamecube! ^_^

My very first own gaming console! YAY!

To start me off with 3-D spaces (yeah, I gave up on videogames when Nintendo 64 came out to the market, I was confused and dizzy) he also bought me this game:


Animal Crossing

Looks kiddish, girlish, whatever. Okay, it does not look sophisticated. But it seems to be addictive (can't wait for my mem card!). I think I might have found a new hobby! ^_^

Murder!

This morning I killed a roach. What struck me as startling was that, as I drew my hand nearer (actually I plunged it down on it --- protected by a paper towel of course, no one wants roach entrails on his or her bare skin... I think :-/ )the roach noticed. Of course, it noticed at the last second, and that was a bit too late. But I started thinking that this thing, this animal, must have been scared of whatever was coming to it. Why else would it flee? (Of course, fear is an instinct, so you cannot deny that to any living creature who relies basically -or solely- on instinct.

Had it been a rat, mouse, anything bigger and furry, I would have felt heartbroken (yes, happenned to me once, I ran over a rat with my car, and I got a widdly gurgle in my pit, not good, I started praying to the Rat God for mercy). But in this case, no remorse reared its ugly head, but I did feel sort of uneasy. What was life like for roaches before mankind? Did they have to hide whenever light hit them? Do they naturally like the dark? Whatever proof offered now is biased by the fact that we are studying roach behavior in the present (trying to place a bet on how they behaved on the past is a wild card, just like trying to say what a dinosaur sounded like). Maybe, where they live right now, inside hollow walls, plumbing systems and under creaky, moist floorboards and rotten leaf piles, they're planning the demise of humanity. Maybe they're biding their time until we finally kill ourselves off (it is happenning). But I'm guessing they mustn't be very happy about having to change living conditions out of an exacerbated fear coming from chemical-obsessed humans.

I, for one, really have a phobia of the things. But I have to consider possibilities: one day I may have to face the Roach God (is there such a thing) and be held accountable for all the murders I have comitted.

When that day comes, I hope I will have an extra-big can of Black Jack!

Bisi

This past weekend was a busy one. Vamo' por partes:

Friday Night

That evening, before going out, the house was already crowded. We had Viviana staying over that night, and we were all in at that point of time and space, plus I think in a good mood, so it was ok. I bathed Luna --- funny thing is that nonetheless last night i dreamt of ticks, a thing I haven't seen, thankfully, in almost a year. YUCK!

Later on, we all crammed into Eze's car to go out. The girls (Vivi n' Chichi) decided they wanted to be dropped off at Nuestro Ambiente (lesbian-ogling, I guess)and Eze, my brother and I went to Cubo, to see Balún, Quarter Turn, Jorge Castro (and someone else) and Introdujos. The place is actually an empty space, walls colored in graffitti ... well, the whole place has been overtaken by graffitti, purposefully, I guess, and it works! The space is divided in one big space (main space), a secondary space (where the doorless bathroom is) and a backyard where you have to go to get a smoke (the place is ridden with No Smoking signs :-( ).
This is the place where Frecuencias Alternas will be holding their 5th anniversary celebration. I think it will pull off very well. Just wish there were more I could do to help. But I think they've got the bases pretty covered.
That evening, though (last Friday) the show held together quite well, what didn't work for it was the deluge of artsy snobs that were there for the social scene and standing, taking non-stop, making the din drown out the gorgeous music Balún was playing. This pissed me off a bit (and quite a bit more when José had to ask everyone to shut up and the din grew higher in volume as he started to talk... the fucking nerve!).
That night I stayed over at Eze's apartment.

Saturday

Woke up later than I should have, set myself out towards Bayamón. Had a lonesome lunch at Faccio's Pizza (had been quite a while since I had a meal by myself out in public, other than in junk food places). Wasn't all that bad, and would've been better if there hadn't been a whole other plan in store other than to rest that meal a while longer. Had to immediately go pay lunch and head for Sam's. My mother's never-ending quest for ass-breaking prices. Every stinking Saturday! Or Sunday... Well, finally got to meet Bayamon's store, which wasn't bad at all (except for the parking, which I guess, due to limited space, was very scarce, and had to park a bit far, but hey, I could have cared less if it hadn't been that muggy --- as a matter of fact: it was muggy all freaking weekend! temps thrown out of whack thanx to the Pope!
After Sam's I went to Felo's house. There's this project we have, decorating his room --- well, his house actually. But his room first and foremost. This is something I am partly terrified of, but I guess it's good practice for me, in case I do decide to embark upon more serious courses towards being an interior designer. Painted the ceiling and part of his walls (ran out of blue-sy paint). Day after woke up with a mighty neck strain. ^_^ Gajes del oficio!
Went home, had a bit of a shuteye, but very brief. I dunno what I spent the rest of the evening on, but at 8PM I got in the car again and went to Radio Universidad, help Eze out with the usual: summary and photos. There were a few of those I took which I liked a bit. Gotta get more practice though. Popu mentioned the energy over there as very positive. I felt likewise. Although stressful for Eze, it all flowed smoothly, and we had a nice dinner at Levi's to top it off. Went with Eze to his parents'... very late, had a heart-arresting fright on the way... (**reminder to self: never let Eze drive ever again under the influence of much tiredness**)

Sunday

Went with Eze and his family to Isabela. Met his father's uncle. A very charming old man, a widow, who apparently hasn't really gotten over his deceased wife. But a very talkative man, indeed. :-) As a matter of fact, the whole town of Isabela, the part where Eze's father (and Eze at one time) were brought up, is wonderfully quaint. Colorful ... wish it hadn't rained that much.
Eze took me trekking into the woods (almost untouched by man, beautiful to the point of frightening me, unfortunately the piece of land is gonna be marred by an expressway sometime in the mid-future). Anyways: thanx, Eze, for one of the best tours yet of one of the towns I like most in this island.
After a nice drive through in Isabela, we headed out, and stopped for dinner on the way. Had mofongo relleno con camarones. A classic to ask for if there is any available.
When we got back to Toa Baja we were so tired that we stretched out on Eze's bed and fell asleep 'til almost 11PM. Got home at 12.

Right now? Tired... very tired. Wanna sleep. But it was worth it, every single second of the weekend! ^_^

There's Only Me

Listening to: "There's Only Me", Rob Dougan

You're all I want.
You're all I need.
You're all I've got.
All I see.
It won't be long.
'Till sudenly
you'll find he's gone.

And you'll turn around and see.
There's only me,
from whom there's silence in your heart.
There's only me,
waiting patient to the last.

You wait and see.
One day your love will surely start.
You'll turn around,
you'll find when everyone departs.
There's only me.

You walk in the room.
You take you scat.
You don't turn around.
You don't see me.
I'll make hime go.
You'll find one day he'll disappear.
You'll turn around.
And find that not a soul is here.
There's only me.

The irony of this does not escape me. This harbringer of looming heartbreak... while he's out there, on the road of black rainclouds.

Días como hoy...

* Me doy cuenta que cada día son menos los que me entienden - o menos son los que yo creo que me entienden. Gente con la que alguna vez tuve un "sobreentendido" (como un entenderse sin palabras, ese click especial entre amigos) de pronto me encuentro con que distan mucho de poder ver lo que sucede detrás de esta fachada.

---> Seguramente NINGUNO de los que lee esto es una de esas personas.

Sin embargo, los que sí se van quedando ^_^ son los que yo sé que pueden compartir un pensamiento conmigo, una filosofía de vida. Son los que saben lo que está pasando. Gracias por estar ahi!


* Me siento un poco perdida en el espacio. Supongo que es normal cdo no hay mucho que hacer.

* [Días como hoy] es mejor ir a mi otro blog. Es mucho más interesante. ¬_¬

unos cuantos puntos ....

. El tapón de esta mañana, absurdo absurdo absurdo. Por culpa de él ponché un minuto tarde (creo q aquí redondean a cuarto de hora, si es así, bye bye $2.50). Aun así, mi iPod me jugó las cartas bien, y a pesar de los calambres menstruales (disculpen el exceso de info), pasé medio tapón escuchando Tom Waits (se lo dije a Eze el otro día: "I finally got him, too bad I had to get him while I am high.").

.. Estuve comentándole ayer a Eze que si mal no capto, suelo escribir en este blog sólo cuando algo me está rompiendo la madre en la cabeza, cuando algo me jode de más, cuando estoy triste o en crisis. Los momentos en que me estoy sintiendo bien no los registro aquí (no sé a cuánta gente le ocurre, pero desde la adolescencia la crisis me ha resultado muy buena musa). Lo curioso de todo este asunto es que quien me lea va a pensar que ando en una depresión constante, en una crisis sin fin ... y no, es 50-50, no se equivoquen. De todos modos, me estoy sintiendo mejor, no sé qué fue lo q hizo click en mi cabeza. Tan pronto reciba mi plan médico (si todo va a mi favor: 21 de mayo) montaré una búsqueda de psicólogos, a ver si alguien me puede ayudar a descifrar qué es lo q me pasa realmente. Gracias a Code por su consejo (nuevamente). Hay cositas q aunque a una no le gustan cuando se las dicen, tienen sabor a verdad, un trago amargo de esto de vez en cuando es lo q despierta a uno de el estupor de la auto-pena (papi estaría muy de acuerdo).

... Hoy me dejaron sola y tranquila en el trabajo, trabajé un poco más de lo usual (si, en tiempo pasado, que es cómico pq no es ni mediodía, y lo q trabajé de seguro fue como 3 horas y media). Pero es un buen cambio, desde la semana pasada tenía a "los muchachos" (asi le llamo a los técnicos, q cosa tan afectiva! :-P ) aca en mi área todo el tiempo, y ya llega el tiempo en que YA BASTAAA! vayanse a trabajar! a veces tener al lado alguien que te está hablando y montando conversación sin tu buscarla, enferma un poco. Más si son por 6 días casi consecutivos.

.... Pronto es la graduación de high school de mi hermana. Esto incluye un baile de graduación. Un baile para el cual no tengo nada q ponerme. Definitivamente no quiero ponerme falda. He visto par de sets de pantalón la cosa mas chula, pero gastarse $50 para algo q rara vez vas a usar? :-S ugh! esto me recuerda la razón por la que odié tanto mi propio prom.

..... Ayer me fui en un viaje de "recuerdos". Saqué mi maletita de CDs y me puse a rebuscar entre los de multimedia - en específico múltiples backups a través de los meses/años de trabajo aquí, antes de mi hiato y consecuente cambio de laptop a desktop PC. Encontré de todo, y creo q pronto me pondré a "remasterizar" (jaja! si, seguro) las fotos para subirlas a cualquiera de las paginas disponibles.

...... Dos links q valen la pena: Apple Geeks y Return to Sender

I am sitting here with very little that I can actually say, but many emotions broiling inside.

Sometimes you wish for things that you can't actually sustain, not in a practical, realistic matter. However you dream of it, wish for it... want it so bad that you start feeling it won't happen. You get so used to things getting botched or fucked up halfways, that you figure it will happen so in your life always.

Growing up does things to you, it also changes your dreams and your aspirations. Very few things stay the same as the dreams you had when you were a child. At least I know that in my dreams and lifelong goals for my life, the core value of what I want is the same: I want to be happy, lead a happy life. What I see as happinness has changed through the course of time, and many of the decisions I have taken, the big ones, have been in pursue of what I believe to be my happinness.

Somewhere along the line I read or heard one of those chain letters that tend to take up precious bytes in your inbox, it said something along the line of being happy now, instead of when we actually acquire whatever it is we believe could make us happy. It was a good advice, surprisingly, and would be the key to many a miserable existence. However, it is more difficult to follow than it seems at first.

Maybe because of our human condition, maybe because we're greedy little monkeys, but thing is: we are never happy enough with what we have. We are always looking for new ways to make our life better, to be more content with our existence. I guess this is how science and technology came to be. It's all good until it touches your private life.

I have hurt the one I love. Somehow I made him feel that he wasn't good enough, and how far from the truth!

Tonight, however, I have yet to find the right words to soothe the wound. I am at loss for words, even if the emotions broil away, scalding the edges of my throat.

I have been so besotted with the whole notion that he and I are alike in so many ways, that we get along fabulously, that I haven't felt as happy and comfortable with someone else ... that something got lost in the way. Maybe I forgot to ground myself in reality and keep it in mind that we are not one and the same, that when such relationships happen, inevitably someone will get hurt at some point. Such is real life, such is love. And such are human relations: you should never trust another more than you trust yourself. No one can carry you better than your own two feet.

I think that right about now I should be dropping the pink shades and pour the watery piña colada down the drain. Reality may have a bite to it, but it is ultimately what we all should be partaking on.

Honeymoon's over, Diana. Time to wake up!

See-Saw

Watched Saw.



It's been the sickest movie I ever saw (pun intended, sorry)

My sister kept asking me over and over what I thought about it.

Still cannot answer, I just think it is very very sick. I think gore has started to turn me off, and the movie was predictable at the points where it was supposed to be scary. Unlike The Ring (both movies) which holds a certain artistic appeal to me ...



However, that one scene with the drug addict who's got her jaw hooked to the most twisted contraption I ever saw ... if the movie had been like that, a bit more like


The Cell...

maybe ... (hey! I do not think J Lo is a great actress or artist. I don't think she's even GOOD to start with, but the movie's visuals are lovely).

Also saw (in Saw) a tribute (?) to Dario Argento (Suspiria , in which there's a scene of a girl falling into a pit filled with barbed wire)...



This is a scene that stays with you forever.

If it wasn't a tribute, then James Wan should do a little research on the genre he's delving into.

Well ... I'm out! See you next time, in Diana's Horror Flickshow of Inconsistent Taste in Movies.

There's still hope

These past few days I have been going through some "learning" experiences, mostly due to the emotional rollercoaster in me. The days have been of self-constraint and takin it easier than I normally would. Just turned my brain to Lo-Res. Let's play in Win 3.11 Mode.

Got an offer I cannot refuse: I lose? $20 .. I win? A nice wad of weed. Plus I get a free preview of things to come, which is not half bad. Actually, it's very very very good and promising, and makes the weekend seem brighter, more fun, yay!



This is the part where the movie gets all flowery and grooovay!

Anyways, this week I only work 'til Wednesday. I have Thur and Fri off (Christian boogaloo weekend, Spring Break and Fertility Festivities all rolled into one ... expect the Rabbit Inquisition soon).



Mom wants to go to Palmas on one of those 4 free days we get this weekend (thanks to Eostre).



Still, the plans are on hold since it could all interfere with our hostess's plans. So we'll see if I get a little sun or no sun at all this weekend (I'd rather stay in the shade).

Other than that, another thing showing profile possibilities this weekend is a meet with J. Possible exchange of Apple software (I might be getting Halo ... which probably means I might learn how to play something) ... and suddenly I crave coffee.

Auto

A lo mejor esta no era la idea. Pensar no es lo mismo q escribir, pero al menos a mi me ayuda. Que me pasa, q cada tanto tiempo peleo por nada, me hago un manojo de nervios, los temores afloran y me echo a llorar con una facilidad pasmante? La condicion de "mujer victoriana" se me sale por los poros cada quince dias y yo misma, si hago un parentesis y me miro desde afuera, me doy pena. Y como todos sabemos o debemos saber, la pena es "prima hermana de jodete" .

Por que me dan estos arrebatos de emocion colerica/melancolica? Le echo la culpa a los miedos, con mucha mas presteza a las hormonas, a veces a los demas (aunq casi siempre regreso a echarme la culpa yo misma, y termino sintiendome que me deberia morir y me doy pena otra vez, y asi por el estilo). La mente mia corre con una facilidad increible, no se a que edad cogi la costumbre de esperar lo peor. A lo mejor fue cuando lo peor estaba sucediendo. En todo caso, un pasado inconveniente no deberia ser excusa para crearme calamidades imaginarias cada dos por tres en el presente.

El problema es que aun no he creado un mecanismo de escape, negacion, solucion y/o distraccion para estos ataques de imaginacion hiperactiva. Algunas veces he logrado vencerla con distracciones, una suerte de desenfoque de lo que me esta sucediendo, para luego regresar a la situacion refrescada y con un punto de vista un poco mas logico. No siempre se dan estas distracciones, cuando se dan es sin querer, no se como procurarmelas.

Entiendo, sin embargo, que la solucion no esta en las distracciones, que seguramente llegue a ella el dia que mi mente deje de jugarme las trastadas que me juega cuando las circunstancias se unen con ese "yo no se que". O el dia que llegue a entender exactamente por que me pasa eso. No se cual de las dos esta mas dificil, se me ocurre que entenderlo es mas asequible.

Pero no se relacionarlo con nada. Una imaginacion hiperactiva, hasta el momento, no se ha determinado como una enfermedad o condicion. De chiquita solia ser una cualidad positiva, se prestaba para el aprendizaje rapido y creativo. De adulta me causa mas problemas que otra cosa, especialmente porque ya no se por donde canalizarla, por donde darle salida a las imagenes que me cruzan la mente. Ademas, la imaginacion me llego al punto de dejar de ser fantasiosa, para empezar a estar templada por las experiencias anteriores, los golpes de la realidad de un adulto ser humano. Por eso a veces anhelo (no extra~o, ANHELO) regresar a mi ni~ez. Las complicaciones eran mucho menores. los miedos eran pocos, y siempre habia alguien que, no importa que tan insignificante el temor o la preocupacion, estaba dispuesto a sentarte en su falda, acurrucarte, limpiarte las lagrimas y decirte que todo iba a estar bien. Esos son lujos que nadie se gasta ahora, ni pedirlos (porque sabes que nadie lo va a hacer por ti, y te van a ver como una loca ridicula) ni hacerlo (porque el orgullo de adulto, el enjuiciamento instantaneo de lo ajeno, las preconcepciones de lo q debe ser un adulto son cosas que se nos indoctrinan en la pubertad y quedan grabadas en nuestro subconsciente).

Ya en algun momento bastante reciente llegue a la conclusion de que tengo serios problemas en adaptarne a la adultez. Tanto en el aspecto de las responsabilidades, como en el manejo de las relaciones afectuosas. Aun me queda un dejo rebelde de mis actitudes adolescentes y tambien un poco de las expectativas romanticas de la vida. No se, honestamente, como eliminar eso. No se inclusive si deba de hacerlo meramente porque se hace incompatible con los epitomes de la madurez en la mente de quienes me rodean.

Fuera de ese fallo de adaptacion de mi parte, no se que es lo que rige mis exabruptos hiper-emocionales. Hormonas? Podria ser, pero ya esto es algo que se sobra, se que sufro de Sindrome Pre-Menstrual hasta cierto punto, mas en el sentido fisico que en el emocional. Por eso se me hace raro ya pensar q las hormonas son las causantes de esto.

Mirandome mas de cerca, no se me ocurre pensar en algun factor de mi vida presente que me haga realmente infeliz. Tengo una familia bastante afectiva y unida (con sus dos o tres desaveniencias que esperarse, eso pasa con los divorcios). Tengo un novio inmejorable (a punta de haber estado "buscando" y tratando con mas de una docena durante poco mas de diez a~os). Tengo un trabajo que, aunq no me apasiona, tampoco me molesta e inclusive hay dias que me siento feliz alli. Tengo planes de recomenzar mis estudios para poder hacer, aunq sea a tiempo parcial, lo que SI me apasiona. Osea, no es una vida perfecta, pero no hay nada de que quejarse tampoco.

Sera a lo mejor que ya estaba tan acostumbrada a que algo andara cagado en mi vida, q ahora encontrandolo todo "arreglado" me sienta en necesidad de da~ar algo? Sera de esos miedos aterradores de que sea todo demasiado bueno para ser verdad y este tratando de forzar un "despertar de este sue~o"? Sera q no me atrevo a aceptarlo todo como es y ser realmente feliz a tiempo completo, sin necesidad de dramas ni crisis mayores? Esta ultima opcion me suena un poco a realidad. A lo mejor me malacostumbre por a~os a que el drama es significativo de que estoy viviendo la vida de modo consecuente. A veces, en tiempos tranquilos, me miro y me da la ansiedad de querer hacer algo distinto, me da miedo a caer en la rutina, en un "comfort zone" que me convierta en una conformista. Es algo subconsciente casi, un relampago de duda que luego se desvanece sin dejar rastro ... o si deja rastro y esto es lo q es?

En cuyo caso estoy del carajo, porque no me conformo con ser feliz, tengo q ser feliz y excitante?

Y en cuyo caso tendria que disculparme con los que me rodean, porque a la larga o a la corta, ellos (mi familia, mi novio) son mi pilar de fortaleza. Y por mas jodido que todo lo anterior suene, una cosa tengo muy clara, y es que no deseo perderlos, ni por un segundo se me ocurre eso.

De algun modo tengo que acoplarme y acostumbrarme de que una vida accidentada no necesariamente te hace feliz, y que una vida con sus peque~as rutinas, sus "comfort zones" esporadicos. no necesariamente te hace un conformista.

Tengo que dejar de pensar en los miedos, dejar de recurrir a ellos como algun modo de autotormento para sentirme mas cautelosa, mas preparada. Tengo q dejar de ver las cosas como un preparativo para lo peor. "Lo peor", o lo q muchos definen como tal, me ha pasado ya en par de ocasiones, pero continuo viva y clinicamente aun en mi salud mental. Preocuparme por "lo peor" nuevamente no va a evitar que suceda. Tan solo me va a amargar "lo mejor". El presente.

nymph

... this constant state of ... awareness... worries me....

I just received my final paycheck from Evertec. Over a thousand dollars, something which, trying to calculate back and forth, doesn't make much sense to me. Not even if the next X-mas bonus cme included. However, I am not one to throw away a blessing, so this little fat piggy is going to bed ... a nice comfy bed in a bank, of course. Eze suggested that I put that check into a separate account and start growing an educational fund for myself. Not half-bad idea. That and the tax return I'm getting **gleeful smile over here**.

Maybe I'll be able to go through my studies with little economic discomfort. Let's pray for that. Ah-menn!

It has been maybe two or three weeks ... I don't know for certain how much time has passed, but it has been long enough since I last had some decent "quality" time alone with Eze. It hasn't been his fault, really: work is always there in the foreground, specially these last few weeks (anniversary celeb coordinations and such) and almost a whole week of being sick hasn't helped much. Plus my own birthday, which was a time of gathering, but left little time for us to spend alone.

I miss him, and he keeps asking me why do I miss him, since we spend about 3 or 4 nights a week together. But, at least to me, sleeping with someone doesn't necessarily qualify as "time together". And these past few times, be it my fault, his or no one's, the only time we spend together alone is in bed or in the car en route to someone's house or to meet someone. All that is fine, such is real life, but ... I can't help feeling something is amiss.

Lately, we have grown a bit less tolerant of each other, we fight with more ease, and I can't figure out for the life of me if it is due to too much time together, or too little. Doesn't mean I love him less, on the contrary, I grow more and more attached to him (even if he says he isn't ready for a full committment ... I can wait...)

It scares me to think that he might grow weary of me, even if he says he won't (romance always makes a promise that real love will break). I know I can get to be overbearing, but I cannot help it. I like being close to him, to see him smile, and more than that, to see him smile at me. These last few days, problems have clouded that smile over ... which I can understand but still pierces my heart to see.

I have asked him many times to set a weekend aside so we can get away. It's always something To Do but it is never done. The urgent things always come first. And it will always be such, 'cuz this is REAL LIFE, and as such, urgent things will ALWAYS come first. Problem is: I am ready to burst. I have to get out of my house for a longer time than just a fortnight, have to get out of San Juan ... have to drive out onto the road (a road that was my friend on countless occasions, a relaxer, a therapy) ... I think I might have to take that trip alone. One thing I did not realize when I fell in love with Eze is that I fell in love with someone who's got an unbudging passion for what he does. I love that about him. His Saturdays are totally committed to his radio program (except on one occasion, something that I am almost sure he regrets). I totally respect that and admire it. Might as well just live with that, pack my things, and set out for the sunset alone. At least for a weekend. At least for a while. Maybe some seabreeze will open up my mind and clear the cobwebs.

Maybe I can come back a refreshed person, someone who will stand by strong and undemanding. I think that first I have to tend to myself.

A bit of foresight

Spring is almost full blown here, and there have been some changes in my life, and a few others are afoot. I feel a stable period in my life settling down, however it doesn't stop being exciting.

1) A few weeks ago I returned to my old job. It has been almost surreal but at the same time a natural move. It almost seems as if I had never been away. I feel much calmer, my constant depression is not so constant anymore... I am even getting my self-confident-groove back ;-) Maybe the changes are not so noticeable to those who see me on a weekly or monthly basis, but those who surround me in my day-to-day life know that the bouts of depression and constant rage fits are pretty much gone.

2) My sister is graduating from high school on may. Now this is one of the big reasons I didn't want to leave the island. To be able to see my baby sister bloom into the world of college. To see her shed her high-schooler skin (I bet it will be a rather slow process). I am very glad I will be there.

3) Summer is almost here, and with it, the dead days at work. Slacking off will be a major activity. And I like that (I am a total work-bum, I know).

4) Soon I will be able to gather money enough to take at least one photography course ... maybe even pursue the whole degree in Escuela de Artes Plásticas. Plus Felo (a friend of ours) just asked me to decorate his room (for starters) which will give me a fine letout for the artistic antsies in me.

Small antsies to fill your day

Eze is sick: bronchitis to be exact. Which worries me a little and I kinda feel responsible for that. All that smoking near to him could not have done anything but help this condition along. :-( And this week in particular was not the best for him to get sick (work obligations and such), which makes the matter more disheartening.

I already miss him, and it hasn't been even 24 hours since I last saw him. :-(

Eze, here's to hoping you feel better very soon...

Nothing to complain about

I have to count my stars, regarding my family and friends. There have been times in my life in which I've felt very alone, or compelled to be something different than what I already was, do things differently than I would do by myself, to please those around me.

Yesterday proved that I finally found a real home in the hearth of my friends'and loved ones'hearts.

Between my mom, my sister and my boyfriend, they planned a lunch/dinner/brunch? to be remembered. I'd say that the only persons missing for real were my father and his wife. It would have been sheer perfection then. Some people missed this bash, and to them I give my thanx. Those of you who were meant to go or wanted to go but couldn't, thanx too. I know I'm surrounded by love, be it near or far.

I can't really say much about yesterday, nothing would make justice to my astonishment at the whole bunch of people that attended and were there for me. It just boggles my mind that much.

Pepe and Mari also had a little surprise waiting for me at Borders in Escorial. Thanx to you 2 too (and to Leo and Velmi for being there!).

I have nothing to complain, really. I have a job that I enjoy (or at least it gives me TONS of time to do thing I enjoy), incredibly great friends, a wondeful family and an exceptionally loving boyfriend (I love you, Eze) ... who by the way, was there in high spirits and a big smile in spite of feeling like shit. Totally invaluable, what you did for me, Eze. THANK YOU!

Kisses for all, I will do my best to return the expressions of affection to each and every one when the time comes! :-D