On the Inadequacies of Being....

... or the way I've fallen completely and utterly in love, and the fact that, even though most of the times it makes me feel giddy,
on a natural adrenaline high,
happy (completely utterly blissfully happy),
sometimes, some days (like today) in which by itself I already feel blue or sad or simply regretful
(for the excessively alcoholized evening I had last night, for example),
I start feeling scared of how intense that high, that excessive bliss, feels...

How to love so much 'til it hurts... without actually getting hurt...?

Then it starts feeling inadequately vulnerable. I feel inadequately vulnerable... and then my thoughts start spiraling towards that side of the specter I shouldn't be visiting at all. Being scared of how strong this feels is supposed to be alright, except that by nature one starts wondering wether you're alone in this situation. My brain knows the answer ... so does my heart... so what part of me is this which governs the fears and can actually have power enough to affect my moods (in passing or not so much)?

Why is it that fears, no matter how subconscious they start off as, seep into our everyday thoughts with such ease, as if they were natural and logical assumptions, instead of presenting themselves as what they really are? Goddamned weeds in the line of thought!

Then maybe, just maybe, analyizing them and identifying them as viruses of the well-being of the mind, I can isolate them as such, erradicate them, just get rid of the fears, dismiss them as plain time-established insecurities which need not be there!

Yes, then I can work with what I really can count on: simple, reliable logic and emotion...





BTW: This rant is in no way related to the "Life Line" Doctrine presented in Donnie Darko. Thanks and good night.

The Reason of Being

... or why the concept of this journal has defeated itself in purpose. The name in itself says it all: Tangled Emotions. Whereas I found myself in a situation of stormy standstill, like the sea: calm on the outside but broiling with life underneath it's mirrory calmness... now I find myself in a totally different place: a total calmness, utter bliss. A place I had never been before ... and it concerns me that at some point I won't have all that much to talk about (at least where my love life is concerned) because it will all be so ... alright... makes me happy but then defeats the initial purpose of this cybernetic space ... which means I shouldn't have destined it to be ONLY about my love life ... which means I'm gonna have to either change its name or tangle my emotions in respect to other areas in my life (which would be ... unnatural ... although interesting)....


Just had to question and re-state the purpose of this journal: no longer to gripe about my love life or lack thereof... just another journal...

Flatlining

... But in the best sense possible. An utmost tranquility, serenity, that cannot be described by mere words. I may not be taking flight anymore, but the most important part of me has: my heart. At last my heart feels free to love, devoid of desperation and insecurities, it loves like a calm sea... washing over, slowly advancing, enormous, sometimes ominous, sometimes inviting, but inevitable and always there. For the first time in perhaps more than 10 years, this process takes yet again place in my heart. A process that surely and steadily burns set into my heart, changes my world, makes it more real, more colorful, more ... THERE!



Blessed be the moment our lips joined...