On the Inadequacies of Being....

... or the way I've fallen completely and utterly in love, and the fact that, even though most of the times it makes me feel giddy,
on a natural adrenaline high,
happy (completely utterly blissfully happy),
sometimes, some days (like today) in which by itself I already feel blue or sad or simply regretful
(for the excessively alcoholized evening I had last night, for example),
I start feeling scared of how intense that high, that excessive bliss, feels...

How to love so much 'til it hurts... without actually getting hurt...?

Then it starts feeling inadequately vulnerable. I feel inadequately vulnerable... and then my thoughts start spiraling towards that side of the specter I shouldn't be visiting at all. Being scared of how strong this feels is supposed to be alright, except that by nature one starts wondering wether you're alone in this situation. My brain knows the answer ... so does my heart... so what part of me is this which governs the fears and can actually have power enough to affect my moods (in passing or not so much)?

Why is it that fears, no matter how subconscious they start off as, seep into our everyday thoughts with such ease, as if they were natural and logical assumptions, instead of presenting themselves as what they really are? Goddamned weeds in the line of thought!

Then maybe, just maybe, analyizing them and identifying them as viruses of the well-being of the mind, I can isolate them as such, erradicate them, just get rid of the fears, dismiss them as plain time-established insecurities which need not be there!

Yes, then I can work with what I really can count on: simple, reliable logic and emotion...





BTW: This rant is in no way related to the "Life Line" Doctrine presented in Donnie Darko. Thanks and good night.