I can't help but to feel that every time I burst out into one of my temper tantrums I'm being unfair to those around me, those who love me. I keep bashing mindlessly, unaware of the unfairness of what I say, of how I make others feel. Of how I have made him feel. I keep saying over and over how special he is to me, however my actions, my temper tantrums, my claims make him feel shitty. I need to control this,
I need to be able to place myself in his shoes, be able to see that I am not the only thing in his mind. Be able to remember however that he loves me, that I am important to him as he is to me.
Here I am, amongst people I couldn't care less about, and he is in his bed, perhaps sleeping, perhaps not in bed and working, I don't know. But I know he felt like shit, and I hope he doesn't anymore, but only he will be able to say when we get in contact again.
In the meanwhile, all I know is that THIS feels like shit. THIS feels like hipocrisy embodied. This feels like something I don't want to be doing, somewhere I don't want to be at. All I want is to do, either from near or from afar, is to reassure him of how precious he is to me and how nothing but sweet he has been to me. I can't complain. I am not complaining. But sometimes I move my mouth and all that pours out is a long whine, a big splotch of complain, bitch and rabble. Dear gawd, let me stop! :'( I can't bear to hurt him any longer, this is not what he deserves. He deserves better, he can do better than this. I will try to reach that approppriate level of "better", be worthy of him, make him feel the way I feel he is to me: precious, adorable, pricelessly and perfectly un-perfect but totally perfect in my eyes in every single way.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Apparently...
I just learned how to take a good picture.
That up there is my stepsister, only nine months younger than I am and already married. Terribly frightening, no? Yes! But I wish her the best and hope the guy doesn't give me reason to rip his guts out with my brow tweezers.
Contrary to what may seem by the pic, the wedding was ...
... I have no idea, I didn't go to the wedding.
I took this shot at the reception. And the reception was ... well, your typical rural party up in the mountains with lots of lechón a la vara and alcohol and drunken idiots breaking into the party just to make asses out of themselves even if no one knows who they are. Yeah... at least Eze was there to give me moral support on that one matter plus he at last got to meet the other side of the family. He spent most of the time with my stepbrother gabbing each other's ears off about LOTR (which by the way I saw ROTK extended version on Saturday night, excellent experience, thanx Eze!). My sister went to the wedding party too, so at least there was some Campo representin' in tha houz (or somethin')
Let me know what you think of the pic. Those who are in dire need of a cheap photographer for their special occasions are welcome to ask. All I require is a lax dress code and free food (plus a moderate fee, won't ask for much). :-D
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Things that make you go hmmmm...
- Like sitting listlessly at your job post, waiting for a service ticket to come up on screen, and suddenly noticing that the girl you've been eyeing for the past two days (the one you noticed not so much 'cuz she's cute, but more because she kinda looks like a thinner version of you and dresses like you and -today- is wearing a colored-dots skirt, and you're sure that you'd do her under the influence of a single Children's Panadol) is actually an architect. The envy/desire doubles.
- BTW: If the day goes on like this I might get to need that single Children's Panadol. My migraine is coming back.
- Plus I'm trying to remember the webpage Pepe used to upload his playlist on an html (quite automatically, I believe). But first I'd have to readjust some CD titles and etcetera. This Pod is a total mess. Currently listening to: Bring Me the Disco King - David Bowie...
- Feeling better overall, thank you. Passed two "fire-tests" in the last 18 hours, think I passed ok. One of them being, though, product of my utter clumsiness (ditzy me! I actually BELIEVE I have spent more time with this cell phone than I actually have)
- But still, utterly bored. I turn into fucking Chella I'm Bored from 8 to 5. Ewgh!
- BTW: If the day goes on like this I might get to need that single Children's Panadol. My migraine is coming back.
- Plus I'm trying to remember the webpage Pepe used to upload his playlist on an html (quite automatically, I believe). But first I'd have to readjust some CD titles and etcetera. This Pod is a total mess. Currently listening to: Bring Me the Disco King - David Bowie...
- Feeling better overall, thank you. Passed two "fire-tests" in the last 18 hours, think I passed ok. One of them being, though, product of my utter clumsiness (ditzy me! I actually BELIEVE I have spent more time with this cell phone than I actually have)
- But still, utterly bored. I turn into fucking Chella I'm Bored from 8 to 5. Ewgh!
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Snippets from Work
I have discovered a new fear. I don't know if it has to do with a dream I had some weeks ago, a dream so terrifying - it delved so deep into my own psyche. That day I woke up crying. I had dreamt this:
I was living in this sort of commune or apartment building with Eze. My sister lived there too, and a bunch of other friends. Eze and I were kind of moving our stuff from one apartment to the next (a kind of dumb move, I suppose). I was moving, in particular, some sort of grill or stove-top range on a rickety wheeled cart, kind of like a BBQ cart. Alfonso came in and told me how nice it looked where I had put it (whatever! I know, this isn't important to the whole dream). Then I decided to do the dishes (cannot escape that chore, not even in dreams). While I was doing them I see this big blur cross the hall by the kitchen and go straight to the backyard (yes, an apartment with a backyard, unusual but not impossible, ask Eze and Alfonso). I realize it's my Dad! And Eze is tailing him, carrying some boxes. I ask him "Did you just meet my Dad?" and he nods. Then I see him, my Dad, coming back to the house and I jump on him, all happy, as I would be if I saw him right now. Then I follow him outside, and I see he's traveling in this new, white Hummer. When I peek inside I see ... Mom :-S and my brother. My Mom's all prettied up and behaving all happy and coquettish, so I understand it from the dream that she and my Dad got together :-S? Ew! Anyways, I don't give it much thought, but then I kind of lean in to keep talking to my Dad and my Mom starts driving the Hummer! (that is DEFINITELY a dream, Mom can't drive a big car!). She's backing up and dragging me with the car. My ass is in the air and she's giving me a ride all around the block.
When I get back I go out with my sister. The funny thing about this compound is that it's more like an educational community that's sharing building space with a mall and smaller stores. Therefore it's got two access points: one through a bookstore (kind of like a crossover between Borders and Castle Books) and another through an abandoned alleyway right on the side of the mall. We use that one and it's more like a carpeted slide with hills and valleys (reminds me of the movie Toys). We slide down into the alleyway through a gaping hole hidden from the outside by bushes and tall grass.
When we try to go back in (don't ask me, the details of what we did outside are totally beside me) we find the hole in the alleyway and I go in first, but midway through the rise up into the compound I almost get stuck. The tunnel is getting smaller by the second. On me! I tell my sister to back down to the alleyway, that we would try the other access point, through the store.
We go into the store and I find it filled with people, with a sense of upheaval and change. Lots of the smaller stores are closed, and there's this ant-like crowd making lines to buy books. I remember then that the door to the apartment compound is the second to the left (the other doors lead to offices and such). But when my sis and I reach the second door all I see is this metallic-gray hall with an entrance like that of a bank safe and some handymen installing elevator lights right by the door. The hall beyond has no doors. I keep walking, pretty sure I am mistaken, but I arrive to the third door and find it as usual. I turn back and I can't find my sister! I faintly remember having seen her turn into the second door, no matter what. This terrifies me, I don't know exactly why, but I get desperate. I call her cellphone, looking among the crowd to find her red jacket, but the answer I get is a man. And I hang up because I know she won't be there. I call Eze, fearing the worst. Someone picks up. A man. Not him. And I know that them, my life, has disappeared forever.
This dream was bad in itself, it made me cry and see how much Eze and my sis (and my life as it is!) mean to me. But today I saw a wall where a door used to be and it struck the same chord. The change of structures, making access points disappear, sheer walls where the entrance used to be. Blocking the view, the mind, the knowledge, the existence of that which is meaningful to us. Terribly frightening indeed.
I was living in this sort of commune or apartment building with Eze. My sister lived there too, and a bunch of other friends. Eze and I were kind of moving our stuff from one apartment to the next (a kind of dumb move, I suppose). I was moving, in particular, some sort of grill or stove-top range on a rickety wheeled cart, kind of like a BBQ cart. Alfonso came in and told me how nice it looked where I had put it (whatever! I know, this isn't important to the whole dream). Then I decided to do the dishes (cannot escape that chore, not even in dreams). While I was doing them I see this big blur cross the hall by the kitchen and go straight to the backyard (yes, an apartment with a backyard, unusual but not impossible, ask Eze and Alfonso). I realize it's my Dad! And Eze is tailing him, carrying some boxes. I ask him "Did you just meet my Dad?" and he nods. Then I see him, my Dad, coming back to the house and I jump on him, all happy, as I would be if I saw him right now. Then I follow him outside, and I see he's traveling in this new, white Hummer. When I peek inside I see ... Mom :-S and my brother. My Mom's all prettied up and behaving all happy and coquettish, so I understand it from the dream that she and my Dad got together :-S? Ew! Anyways, I don't give it much thought, but then I kind of lean in to keep talking to my Dad and my Mom starts driving the Hummer! (that is DEFINITELY a dream, Mom can't drive a big car!). She's backing up and dragging me with the car. My ass is in the air and she's giving me a ride all around the block.
When I get back I go out with my sister. The funny thing about this compound is that it's more like an educational community that's sharing building space with a mall and smaller stores. Therefore it's got two access points: one through a bookstore (kind of like a crossover between Borders and Castle Books) and another through an abandoned alleyway right on the side of the mall. We use that one and it's more like a carpeted slide with hills and valleys (reminds me of the movie Toys). We slide down into the alleyway through a gaping hole hidden from the outside by bushes and tall grass.
When we try to go back in (don't ask me, the details of what we did outside are totally beside me) we find the hole in the alleyway and I go in first, but midway through the rise up into the compound I almost get stuck. The tunnel is getting smaller by the second. On me! I tell my sister to back down to the alleyway, that we would try the other access point, through the store.
We go into the store and I find it filled with people, with a sense of upheaval and change. Lots of the smaller stores are closed, and there's this ant-like crowd making lines to buy books. I remember then that the door to the apartment compound is the second to the left (the other doors lead to offices and such). But when my sis and I reach the second door all I see is this metallic-gray hall with an entrance like that of a bank safe and some handymen installing elevator lights right by the door. The hall beyond has no doors. I keep walking, pretty sure I am mistaken, but I arrive to the third door and find it as usual. I turn back and I can't find my sister! I faintly remember having seen her turn into the second door, no matter what. This terrifies me, I don't know exactly why, but I get desperate. I call her cellphone, looking among the crowd to find her red jacket, but the answer I get is a man. And I hang up because I know she won't be there. I call Eze, fearing the worst. Someone picks up. A man. Not him. And I know that them, my life, has disappeared forever.
This dream was bad in itself, it made me cry and see how much Eze and my sis (and my life as it is!) mean to me. But today I saw a wall where a door used to be and it struck the same chord. The change of structures, making access points disappear, sheer walls where the entrance used to be. Blocking the view, the mind, the knowledge, the existence of that which is meaningful to us. Terribly frightening indeed.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Worried about myself
Today has been the day of the weirdest reactions from me, ranging from psycho to desperately jealous over bullshit. I don't know where all of this comes from, I don't know why my emotional range is veering so sharply away from what my mind knows to be true. Why the doubt? Why the rage? Why the jealousy? Why this acrid sadness sticking at the back of my throat, choking me up, filling my tongue with a salty aftertaste of tears not yet spilled?
Why do my eyes water up at imaginary mishaps and heartbreaks? Why do I already feel heartbroken?
I feel lonely even if I'm constantly surrounded by people, even if I get calls every once in a while... I feel lonely inside myself. I think I need help, but I can't even bring myself to look a shrink up.
I don't know what I want. I want to get out of here, but I don't know where I wanna go. I feel heartbroken, but nothing's wrong in my sentimental life. I miss my Dad, but I don't feel like calling him more often 'cuz I don't know what to say (except "I miss you", but I've said that before, to no response at all, just a swift change of subject from him or his wife).
I feel lonely, but I want to be alone too. I feel neglected, but it doesn't mean I haven't been tended to. It can't be anyone else's fault. Just my own.
I don't understand what's wrong with me. Do I want to?
Why do my eyes water up at imaginary mishaps and heartbreaks? Why do I already feel heartbroken?
I feel lonely even if I'm constantly surrounded by people, even if I get calls every once in a while... I feel lonely inside myself. I think I need help, but I can't even bring myself to look a shrink up.
I don't know what I want. I want to get out of here, but I don't know where I wanna go. I feel heartbroken, but nothing's wrong in my sentimental life. I miss my Dad, but I don't feel like calling him more often 'cuz I don't know what to say (except "I miss you", but I've said that before, to no response at all, just a swift change of subject from him or his wife).
I feel lonely, but I want to be alone too. I feel neglected, but it doesn't mean I haven't been tended to. It can't be anyone else's fault. Just my own.
I don't understand what's wrong with me. Do I want to?
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Intimacy
On Friday I realized what "intimacy" is really about.
Every year, since I joined the working class, a Christmas party is held. This varies in few details from one workplace to the next. The place, the people, the music, the drinks, the dress code... it all doesn't matter 'cuz it's for the same reason (drinking to your bowels' content on your employer's budget) and with the same excuse (Christmas spirit... bah, humbug, says I, but not for the same reason I used to 'til last year - more on that ... any other day).
Thing is that usually the message in the invitation and the motto during the party and the word rolling from one corporate tongue to the next is the same: "So we can get to know each other better, so we can share this moment together". But who does that?
One goes into the party more or less in small groups, or maybe alone but you eventually end up in the same group of people you work with. It is a strange occurrence if you get to meet new people, and if you do you will inevitably forget all about it by next week.
For some sad people, this party is the be-all end-all of the whole year festivities. They would rather be there than with their own family. For some even sadder people (specially women, and I included myself in this little group at one point, but no longer) it is an excuse to spend more time with their clandestine affair, maybe even dance a number or two "for the sake of Christmas spirit" ... oh, brother! You know that as soon as you scurry out of the place, both of you will scamper to the nearest motel, fuck your drunken brains out and then he will go home to his wife, and you will arrive all sad, alone and depressed to your own home
But last Friday I finally noticed the real scale with which intimacy works. At least in my life it has changed and it feels more appropriate now. I was feeling all out of sorts and lonely in there. I definitely don't fit in anymore, and the difference lies in that I don't want to anymore either. I scrammed out of there as soon as I noticed a lost call from (ironically) the one person that left me to arrive all lonely and depressed to my empty home at some point in my life. That one phone call was a lot more real than all I had experienced in that lousy party. And as soon as I got home, talked to my sister, brother, mom and boyfriend, that one phonecall lost relevance too. I finally understand where the core of intimacy lies. Not in sex, but in love. In family.
Every year, since I joined the working class, a Christmas party is held. This varies in few details from one workplace to the next. The place, the people, the music, the drinks, the dress code... it all doesn't matter 'cuz it's for the same reason (drinking to your bowels' content on your employer's budget) and with the same excuse (Christmas spirit... bah, humbug, says I, but not for the same reason I used to 'til last year - more on that ... any other day).
Thing is that usually the message in the invitation and the motto during the party and the word rolling from one corporate tongue to the next is the same: "So we can get to know each other better, so we can share this moment together". But who does that?
One goes into the party more or less in small groups, or maybe alone but you eventually end up in the same group of people you work with. It is a strange occurrence if you get to meet new people, and if you do you will inevitably forget all about it by next week.
For some sad people, this party is the be-all end-all of the whole year festivities. They would rather be there than with their own family. For some even sadder people (specially women, and I included myself in this little group at one point, but no longer) it is an excuse to spend more time with their clandestine affair, maybe even dance a number or two "for the sake of Christmas spirit" ... oh, brother! You know that as soon as you scurry out of the place, both of you will scamper to the nearest motel, fuck your drunken brains out and then he will go home to his wife, and you will arrive all sad, alone and depressed to your own home
But last Friday I finally noticed the real scale with which intimacy works. At least in my life it has changed and it feels more appropriate now. I was feeling all out of sorts and lonely in there. I definitely don't fit in anymore, and the difference lies in that I don't want to anymore either. I scrammed out of there as soon as I noticed a lost call from (ironically) the one person that left me to arrive all lonely and depressed to my empty home at some point in my life. That one phone call was a lot more real than all I had experienced in that lousy party. And as soon as I got home, talked to my sister, brother, mom and boyfriend, that one phonecall lost relevance too. I finally understand where the core of intimacy lies. Not in sex, but in love. In family.
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