Deserved Self-Bash

I can't help but to feel that every time I burst out into one of my temper tantrums I'm being unfair to those around me, those who love me. I keep bashing mindlessly, unaware of the unfairness of what I say, of how I make others feel. Of how I have made him feel. I keep saying over and over how special he is to me, however my actions, my temper tantrums, my claims make him feel shitty. I need to control this,

I need to be able to place myself in his shoes, be able to see that I am not the only thing in his mind. Be able to remember however that he loves me, that I am important to him as he is to me.

Here I am, amongst people I couldn't care less about, and he is in his bed, perhaps sleeping, perhaps not in bed and working, I don't know. But I know he felt like shit, and I hope he doesn't anymore, but only he will be able to say when we get in contact again.

In the meanwhile, all I know is that THIS feels like shit. THIS feels like hipocrisy embodied. This feels like something I don't want to be doing, somewhere I don't want to be at. All I want is to do, either from near or from afar, is to reassure him of how precious he is to me and how nothing but sweet he has been to me. I can't complain. I am not complaining. But sometimes I move my mouth and all that pours out is a long whine, a big splotch of complain, bitch and rabble. Dear gawd, let me stop! :'( I can't bear to hurt him any longer, this is not what he deserves. He deserves better, he can do better than this. I will try to reach that approppriate level of "better", be worthy of him, make him feel the way I feel he is to me: precious, adorable, pricelessly and perfectly un-perfect but totally perfect in my eyes in every single way.