Hourglass

... and the minutes scurry away. The time is coming that I should leave, and I know that with it, it carries no regrets. However, I am starting to doubt the effectivity of this move, how will it make me forget that which lives in my heart? Is it possible to fall out of love when the love you've fallen INTO is more real and deeper than the greatest love ever immortalized in page and pen? Could I really forget the best moments in my life? Would it be fair, considering that I do not forget the worst moments all too easily?

You still look at me behind beady glasses and perhaps this steely wall that keeps your feeling locked away, hidden out of my sight. However I can still smell you, I can still see you, I can still feel you, and even though it might just be the carcass, the shell into which love was encased almost a year ago, I still love it, the way you cherish the gift's wrapping even though the gift is gone.

Nonetheless, the fact that love shines not through anymore, does not give your eyes that perfect glow ... it breaks my heart and shatters the pieces into the finest dust. I yearn for a love that doesn't live anymore, I asked and pleaded once, and even though I plead no more, my heart still yearns and cries out for the soulmate you once were. Our past has been encased and pasted into the pages behind me, I cannot reach out and relive, too certain have you made it that there's no way to return to that ecstatic state of mind, body and soul, thet merge of two into the perfect ONE that made both parts... perfect ... just as you are.

...yet again... for Heri.

Exhausted / Venting

... or how I want to get my groove back, however people keep tugging me in different direction.

And friends are not friends when they impose themselves on you without consideration of previous plans and/or the fatigue you're already feeling with existing obligations. This is pissing me off so bad, I can't even function right.

Let's see, let's make this call right here (J.J.)...
... and a voicemail, I get, which is fine cuz I DON'T impose myself on my friends. What is UP with this girl? Why do other females find this even remotely normal?!

Am I the abnormal one here? :-(

A Piece of You

You can't help it, you can't evade it: a piece of you will always live in me. Even if I never carried you child, even if I was never married to you, even if I was never an official pair to you ... I loved you immensely, and to this day the feeling carries an echo through my heart.

Forever will I always be reminded of the very few nights we spent together, hearts and limbs entwined in a soul-embrace, drenched in the salty darkness of an evening by the beach ... or a kiss under the rain. Whenever I get the feeling of a dark glass puncturing my heart, you will be there. That piece of you... bleeding the eternal love that once lived in me ... and still remains.

.. for Heri

Carta Abierta a ...

Aunque suene un poco desfasado, inclusive ilógico y hasta injusto, he tomado una decisión: no envolverme en situaciones a medio resolver. Me he entregado varias veces en cuerpo (no en alma) a aquellos a quienes mi corazón estimó como inofensivos. Uno no decide de quién enamorarse, no obstante el mismo corazón posee un subconsciente (aparentemente) q puede distinguir entre aquellos q nos pueden dañar mediante la intensidad y aquellos que no.
Y en contra de toda racionalidad, los que nos pueden dañar son los mismos a los cuales podemos amar con toda nuestra alma. Más miedo me da la persona a la cual le noto la capacidad de hacerme amarlo intensamente, porque sé q tambien puede hacerme un daño al mismo grado de intensidad.
Por ello opto no entrar en relaciones donde no me puedan ofrecer lo justo y viceversa. Ahora mismo, hoy por hoy y como están las cosas, yo no puedo ofrecerle nada justo a quien desee estar conmigo. Yo me voy. Y sé que la única persona q demuestra la capacidad de enamorarme como una tonta tampoco me puede ofrecer lo justo a mi. Por ende: nada va. Solo la ilusión de poder disfrutar de su mirada, de su voz, de su energía y su compañía... hasta que llegue el día en q me tenga que ir. Luego, q la vida decida si podemos reunirnos, o no.

Restart

:-/
I know it's not love, I know the emotion is mainly visceral and even a bit whimsical. However, it is stronger than what I've felt for some time now (I think?). Maybe because I'm moving on, maybe subconsciously I am looking for something to cling to, to make "staying put" safe and easy. Or maybe it is true attraction. Why even question it? His gaze burns my insides and melts me, corrodes me, makes me feel immense and small all in a single quiver of an eyelash.

This doesn't point to a "falling-in-love" scenario, maybe. Or maybe it does... "uncertainty excites me" (oh so true.

Coming from a different country, with a different attitude, different making from a different mold ... makes me shiver with delight (however the circumstances make me more anxious than anything). Nothing has happenned, and at least in my mind, whilst things remain the same, nothing will.

But in my mind his name echoes ...