ON AMBITION

ON AMBITION

Since I was a little girl, I refused to join into the rat race. Kids were scrambling all over each other to be the most intelligent, the most athletic, the prettiest, the fastes, the richest, the coolest, the most popular kid. I was always content to live a happy life with my parents, to indulge in my own nonsensical fantasies. I was happy to revel on the surroundings that fed those fantasies and gave scenery to my perennial world of make believe. I was a self-sustaining child, feeding off faerie dust.

As I grew up, my outwardly colorful personality (the princess, the ballerina, Alice in Wonderland and dark-wicked-with-wife-to-Darth-Vader all rolled into one) rolled inward, ensconced in itself and simple began the cocoon process.

Then I just wanted to become beautiful (never the most beautiful, just beautiful enough to be loved). Music came into my journey, a silky thread of plucked harpstrings and liquid voices, coiling around the pulpy, pale center that was my unfinished soul.
I really don't know when the cocoon burst open, maybe it silently ripped into the night, and contrary to my initial wishes, not the butterfly seeped out, but the moth... into the darkness, I am sure. That's what swirls and laces my wings with sorrow.

Even throughout those times when I stashed away all trascendental feelings and thoughts, I was never ambitious enough to join into the rat race wholeheartedly. I watched as my friends stomped their feet and declared with a firm voice what they wanted to be, hollered into the vast city air that they were important too. I was content enough to revel into the simple pleasures of sex, drinks and trivial good times. I might have made a good call girl then.

Today I have little by little become horrified with what ambition does to some, but I have the distinct feeling that I have surfed all this time right by the shore. Career-wise I am at best undecided, at worst... a weakling. But sentimentally... I believe that to be my core: my feelings, watery emotions that bathe the rest of me. That part has been becoming my strongest asset and my weak spot altogether for the longest time.

No ambition... but love to give by the loadful.